A New Direction....

Life has been rather hectic lately! Family issues have kept me busy, not to mention work....

A million other things have been racing through my mind, about the direction i am taking with my life, my priorities, and exactly what those need to be right now!

My blog has always been something i have written for me to sort things, to put them out there and see what advice others may offer, or simply to help another who is going through some of the issues i have. I have enjoyed writing my blog. I have acquired some wonderful friendships that i would not have otherwise had.

And i have at times felt obliged to write, almost as a necessity, as a form of communicating that "yes i am fine."

But now, i need to pull back from writing, to make it less of a priority! Direct my focus elsewhere....

I will still write, but likely on a less personal front, and certainly not as often!

I will still read and comment, i couldn't survive without knowing what is happening in everyone elses life.

So, no worries my friends, the toy will be fine, and lurking amongst the shadows!

In Closing i leave you with this:

May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!

Some thoughts on "perception"

Over at DV's wonderful blog, he has been exploring the strength of submission, and the perception that the vanilla world holds of D/s! I attempted to respond there but as you can see my response became a bit long winded, (go figure) so here it is...

One conversation of late sticks out in my mind from work.  I work in a retail environment where it is mostly women and the topic of D/s came up! Maddy, an older woman of about 60, married 30 years, lets out a gasp "oh, i think it is just disgusting that whole D/s thing".  A few of the younger woman just kind of snickered and i asked her why she thought that, not meaning it to be entertaining, but for my own education!

She began to recount an incident where she and he husband Dave, were staying in a hotel. In the lobby, she saw a couple where the woman was collared and leashed, the sub referred to her Dom as Sir, and was very subservient in her actions! Maddy explained how uncomfortable that made her feel!

After further exploration, she admitted... She and her husband had not had sex in 4 years! 4 YEARS! sheesh... 3 days without an orgasm and i fall into a miserable unbearable funk!

When we asked if she missed the passion, she admitted she did, then we asked if  Dave, her husband,
really needed her to do that, would she? Knowing that the passion afterwards was going to be the most intense hottest sex she'd ever had... her response was priceless... "there is nothing i wouldn't do for him, short of hurting someone!" You could see in her eyes how she slowly began to understand where the conversation was leading...

I know Maddy is not alone in her misunderstanding of the lifestyle, nor is she alone in living life without ever knowing how truly magnificent love can be! And that is not to say she isn't head over heels for her husband, she definitely is!

If i had never tasted chocolate, how could i possibly ever crave it?

I know for me, i will never stop craving!  I am just not capable... It is not in my genetic make up!

And as horribly as this last one ended, the good times, well they only strengthen my resolve!

I know the beauty, i have felt the beauty, lived the beauty of this lifestyle and will not stop looking
for the real "My Perfect Him"....

right now....

So as i turn the page of this new book in my life, i wonder where the next path will lead! I feel as if i have come out of this stronger and wiser, but really only time will tell if that is really so!

i am not dwelling in the muck...

No, that leads no where!

We are cutting new paths, watching for new adventures... bigger better ones!

I have brought my old profiles back to life, with the warning attached that really i am not seeking right now, anything other than "good" friends!

Although i know that for anyone to take that in any literal sense would be asking for far too much!

But right now, right here, that is really all i want!

And the really bright side is.... i have lots of new toys, and do not need to ask permission from anyone to use them!!!

Every cloud has a silver lining!

What to do with the Collar?

The last night we spent together said it all!

Things were off and i knew it, i felt it deep inside, but pushed it away, wanting it better, knowing it could be if he would just take the reins, embrace what he had and be happy with that!

But promises made, turned to promises broken!

If there is one key in this lifestyle, it is TRUST!

Without it, no doors will open! The walls will remain standing! There is no half way in trust...It is yes or no, black or white, stop or go!

If you have read my blog for the past few months, you know there was another in MPH's life. She was a former from last year, according to him!

According to her, she was his fiance!

On July 22nd, he told me 2 weeks tops and she would be gone!

So cut to 3 weeks ago, MPH moved from 4 hours away to live with his lil slut, namely me! Yes he pulled up stakes, quit his job there, found another here and we have been living 24/7 since!

Things started beautifully!

I was as happy as could be, couldn't imagine being happier!

Yes, i knew she was still in his life, but i dealt with it, same as one would with a big zit right smack on their face! You know it will go away eventually, but each time you look in the mirror, the question eats at your soul, why does it not leave?
You try every miracle cream on the planet, but still, it is there! Looking right back in the mirror, at you! Your hostility grows...

(yes i like the comparison too!)

Anyway, last week i wouldn't give up my pin number for my ATM card! And it wasn't really that which bothered MPH, but what i said in refusing the number, i said
"the trust isn't quite there yet". He was shocked! How could i not trust him yet?

I explained he had given me his word, she would be gone!

And she wasn't gone, she was still there every single night around 10 pm for that good night call! Yes we are cuddled up in bed, when he needs to "go outside for the call". Heaven, isn't it!

Anyway, last night he scared me. i felt compelled to use the safe word! He quit, however, the fact that i needed to use it... in the past 16 years i have never used a safe word until last night! That said everything!

Today when i returned home from work, there was a note, and he had moved out!

He says he is going to fix the situation and will contact me when it is done!

To me it was cowardly!

It is unforgivable!

So just what do i do with this collar on my neck?

The only communication we have had, was that question via text!

His response:

"Do what you want and i will let you know when she is out of my life, then you can let me know if you can learn to trust me!"

So tell me my friends... what do i do with my collar?

A. keep it on, he will come back, but do i really want him back?
B. Tuck it neatly into the jewelry box until he returns...but no i don't think i want him back...
C. Craigs list!
or ...
D. break it up into a hundred pieces and toss it away, just as he has done...

I just don't know!

Coming Home...

The call comes in...

"I want that black plug in as soon as you get home today"

Yes the dreaded black plug...

Kind of a love / hate relationship! But that's a whole different blog...

So immediately the realization hits me...

He is back!

That's the Man i have missed, i have craved so very much...

The smile carries me the rest of the way home, where i go about doing as instructed!

There was no gentleness about his tone, or his instructions...

I knew he meant business!

Shortly after i returned home, he did as well...

He did not disappoint!

He spent the next few hours using His toy, in every sense of the word...

Yes the toy is smiling, with her sore, red ass and all!

The Mirror Image...

It was a very rainy day yesterday!

So rainy, that MPH came home early from work.

He had read the blog!

We talked...

He agreed things have been "out of sorts" as of late...

Yes, he has had things on his mind lately,

He has been busy with moving, adjusting to the new place, the new job, being sick...

And yes me....

figuring me out is certainly no easy task!

He wants me to be happy, i am quite aware of that!

But when he is stressed i feel it,

and i too become stressed!

A mirror image...

And he admitted, he considered "options"

a change in the situation....

Call it temporary insanity,

but i think he forgot...

I wear his collar, the one he put on, the one i love wearing!

I am his ... completely!

I think at times he feels he is a visitor,

But i would not wear the collar of a visitor!

He is no visitor!

He is my Master, my Owner...

and i am Histoy...

in every sense of the word!

waiting...

Silence!


It is so safe..... isn't it?

In saying nothing.... one says so much!

He is silent....

And that makes me feel... well .... not safe!

Vulnerable....

That thing i run from, hide from, avoid like the plaque....

Just waiting for it to end, for life to return to that comfy sweet place i love so much...

So i close my eyes, i hold my breath....

And i wait....