Warning ... Adult Content:

This Blog may contain adult content which is unsuitable for children or the weak of heart!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

An exciting day....

Most of my friends are of course oblivious to my lifestyle choice.

They are aware that i am seeking a Man...

But they do not know the type of Man i seek...

So when i am traveling somewhere to meet someone...

They think it odd.

I would disclose to them the details,

if i thought for one minute they could understand it.

But to "explain" this lifestyle to a Vanilla...

Is an extremely difficult task.

I have tried through the years...

But never with any success.

So the friends we make within the lifestyle

are typically true friends.

They know a side of us our Vanilla friends will never really grasp.

They are aware of our trials and tribulations,

and typically have been there as well.

Today, i am meeting a friend ...

A "fellow blogger" that i have become quite acquainted with over the past several months.

She has been my sounding board, and i hers...

Her friendship is non judgmental...

And one i have become quite appreciative of.

And yes i am also meeting some one else today....

But for that meeting,

i am keeping my emotions closely guarded...

So yes i am excited for the day...

Monday, May 30, 2011

Need..

i need you :


to lay your hand upon my heart and still the fears

to reach into my mind and place your soul safely inside

to place your lips on mine and fill my spirit with life

So that with each breath i breathe

i am reminded of the gift of life you have given me....

Whether it be through the caress of your words

or the seduction of your touch against my skin

to "feel" the beauty of life

deep within my soul...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

a tall order no doubt....

The attraction of control

is something i have wondered about

for a very long time.

What is it within me

that wants that...

craves that....

so very much?

To let go

to release

to hand everything over completely

is not something which can easily

be accomplished.

i am aware...

It takes trust beyond trust

But it is not "just" Trust...

There are so many uncommon values

i seek in one man.

The ability to laugh

is also a necessity.

And in many that i meet

that seems to be the one thing

i am not finding.

And maybe it is the pressure

of the moment.

But the ability to overcome

the "pressure" is key.

To relax and be real...

to feel the "joy"

and express it.

To create an easiness

in a not so easy situation.

Yes a tall order to fill...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

the perfection of defects...

There are as many types of Dominant Men as there are days in a year.

What separates one from another?

Is it simply that desire to take control?

No they all want that...

But there are those that are patient and respectful

there are those that are tolerant and unbiased

there are those that are human

and befittingly so...

That do not make "demands" at least not

prior to having the authority to do so.

There are those who feel the value in

being simply who he is...

Their desire is not to push you down

but rather to lift you up...

when i feel their need to debase

i first consider the reason.

Are they attempting to show their superiority

if so....

it means they have lessons in life.

Perfection would not interest me

i need to know they too place values on flaws.

With no defects

there is no growth...

for those that are lord master almighty

i am not the one for you...

i have many (too many) defects for you.

i want to be by your side

and not under your foot...

it is for me ...

a much more peaceful place to be.

Friday, May 27, 2011

and the message?

Dreams can be so totally strange...

but what is difficult

is trying to comprehend

the meaning...

When we look at the things that appear to us

in our deep deep sleep

Is there a message?

the dream was this...

i woke up and he was standing over me,

a figure of a man...

all i could see were eyes

no mouth

no face

just eyes

and i felt fear...

then he pushed me over onto my stomach

but i didn't fight it

he had one hand over my mouth

and the other hand

held my hands tightly behind my back

as he straddled on top of me.

and all i remember

is him pulling my head back

with his hand that was over my mouth

and he was stretching my neck, my throat

and i couldn't breath...

and still i did not struggle

and when i woke

the fear i felt

was still within me...

i laid there for hours

waiting for the calm to return

contemplating what the message could be.

Even now, hours later

that fear...

is still present...

And the message?

i have not a clue...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

On being Friends....

There was a comment yesterday

about meeting new "friends"...

And i wanted to say something there

but figured

if i did

it would turn into another blog....

So here is the "other" blog.

I have tried when meeting some of these men

to maintain a friendship.

But it doesn't work...

Especially when they read my blog,

And understand where things went wrong...

or didn't understand anything.

They think i am being unfair to them

they do not understand those things which i hold as integral...

They think things like a kiss

are just not that important.

I mean these are Dominant men,

and confidence is a trait i am most attracted to.

So i do tend to take things at a slower pace

than they would prefer.

i hold back a great deal

and put on my "tough" hat

"no you cannot control me"

before the face to face.

Every once in a while

one sneaks through the cracks

and i give up just a little.

But what kind of Dominant

would he be

if he didn't push for more.

And sometimes we don't even make it

to the face to face.

Because they do not understand

why i hold back.

And there are some who still

insist

there was something there,

when truly there was not.

i know what "it" feels like

to find the one....

And yes you do know it

with no doubts...

You feel it with every inch of your being...

And when i do "feel" it...

The face to face will be the beginning

and not the end.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

If only...

He was charming, attractive, intelligent...

yes the girl was excited....

he looked just like his picture...

we talked....

we laughed....

we kissed...

and

nothing....

not a single spark.

If only there was a way...

to make it be there...

to force it....

or maybe ignore the lack of...

But this means too much to me

and it needs to be completely right.

Almost just doesn't work.

And i do feel bad for him.

He had hopes too...

Sometimes this search....

well...

it just sucks!






Tuesday, May 24, 2011

seeking tingles....

It is impressive when they make things happen...

When they do not just sit back waiting...

Today is my day off...

and i am traveling.

two hours north....

and he is traveling 4 hours west...

It is just lunch.

But so necessary

that face to face.

i honestly do not have expectations...

i have been down this road too many times.

And it is not like a nilla meeting

where i know it really is not going to go anywhere...

we are on the same path,

wanting the same things...

so it is simply the chemistry test today.

It sounds so easy...

But anyone reading this knows

Simple and Easy it is not.

Especially when looking at a TPE relationship.

i will be looking "closer"

not so much at him

but how he makes me feel inside.

looking, hoping for those ever so rare tingles...

and if they are there...

i hope he goes home

and clears a closet...


Monday, May 23, 2011

On closet clearing...

well i know your waiting for the details

of the nilla date....

well ....

it didn't happen.

No... i cancelled...

clingy is fine

as long as it is me clinging...

But otherwise

i don't like clingy...

and apparently

he doesn't like women

that don't like clingy...

because when i told him he was too clingy

he was upset.

He told me i was confusing romantic

for clingy...

but when someone clears a closet in their home for you

after only one short meeting

that's clingy merging with stalker...

So i will stick with my far away

Dominants...

and only hope maybe

there will be some closet clearing

there instead.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My obsession...

Looking back...

it is hard to view this past year

and not wonder...

Did i miss him ...

some where in all the flurry of emails and chats...

Did i walk right by him and not know it?

or maybe...

my expectations

are not really based on reality

or are set too high.

i always hear people say

when you stop looking

you will find.

But the need to find

is so damn strong...

How do you just pack that away?

Ignore the need

when it burns through your soul...

It is to a degree an obsession

Obsession:
the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.


Yes that describes it...

And obsessions are not really healthy are they?

This search...

it truly is all consuming.

So to say i am obsessed with my obsession...

Yes that is an accurate statement...

But maybe there is such a thing as a healthy obsession...

to know what you want

what you need

Cannot be, by itself, unhealthy...

or can it?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

keeping busy...

well the vanilla dating is moving along...

date number two last night...

But it was also bachelor number two...

And for me....

it was a definite...

No ... not happening... No way...

So the picture fibbing is not Collar me exclusive...

i actually drove by the guy, not recognizing him.

He recognized me, came up to my car and knocked on the window.

If he hadn't told me what he was wearing,

i may have been more scared...

But in the outline of his face...

yes i could see that picture was indeed him

ten years ago....

ugh!

At least bachelor number one,

i recognized from a distance.

So i guess that becomes a good thing.

My date number two, with bachelor number one, is Sunday.

He is in charge of planning.

i am excited to see what he comes up with...

So although the nilla dating is simply a filler,

It keeps my mind occupied.

And that is something this girl needs...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Lurking behind the shadows...

Things have been rather dull lately...

i have had no one pulling strings

no mind fuck...

and i miss that.

it sends my mind in a different direction

One of thought provoking

sexually charged

highly erotic

fantasy.

The mental aspect of this lifestyle is key for me.

without it,

It is almost a vanilla existence.

There are things i can do,

peruse the blogs...

read some hot steamy erotic literature...

surf through pictures...

just lurking through the internet...

But its not the same

as maybe a task...

to feel the "power"

the control...

So out of boredom

i went on a nilla date last night.

Nothing major...

a time filler of sorts...

and i will go out with him again.

And in the back of my mind i will be thinking...

please when you kiss me...

grab a handful of my hair...

pull me close...

let me feel it....

that power, that control

that want, that need...

pull that lil girl out...

But am i just setting myself up?

Who knows....

Maybe deep inside him there is a Dom...

Just hoping to find that lil girl...

time will tell...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

oh those bullies...

those demanding ones....

Sheesh....

When will they ever learn.

i am not seeking a Man who will simply Bark orders...

and then finish his sentence with "understand slut"

Yes i do understand...

i understand you have no clue

about what being a Master is really all about.

It is not about your ability to yell the loudest,

or the most often

It is about your ability to NOT yell at all...

to get exactly what you wish for by using your brain

and not your vocal chords.

And i wonder....

does this method of theirs

ever really work?

Are there women who drop to their knees

simply because he barks the order?

If one feels the need to demand respect,

then he certainly has not earned it.

And the ones who say "you will only address me as Sir...."

i think they have read too many Gor novels...

And not to say there is anything wrong with the Gor Novels...

i have read quite a few

But they are fantasy...

And when one confuses reality with fantasy...

well there are places you can go

where they will assist you in outlining the differences...

And sweet little pills they can give you

So you can more easily define the distinction.

But for this one....

a bully is a bully

and a Master is not a bully...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

lost...

A crazy few days to say the least.

And through all the craziness,

all the bumps in the road,

i am reminded once again

of how very much i detest being

a Masterless submissive...

There are times when friends and family

just cannot fill the void that HE can.

And as tough and strong as i think i am,

certain things come up to just slap me back to reality

i am not so tough.....

i am not "that" strong...

that i can just go through life "handling" everything

all the time

with ease and control...

i miss having that "Master" so very much

and although he didn't always have the answers

or the quick remedies

i always knew

he was always there...

And that i was not alone...

i so miss that...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

playfulness..

Kinda neat feeling the lil girl

out and about so much lately...

Full of smiles...

And wondrously wicked thoughts...

and i always look at where those feelings originate...

and always, it goes to the men i am speaking with...

the ones who encourage that side of me...

who see the need for the lil girl to feel alive

to feel safe

to laugh and smile, full of life.

And i am thankful to them for that.

That i feel comfortable showing them

that often protected, often sheltered

side.

It is undeniably freeing.

It is not about age play or anything like that,

its a carefree, worry free place

where there are no judgements,

its all about open and honest truth.

It is about reaching inside and saying this is who lives inside,

she is good,

she is sweet

and she loves life...

She loves this life...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

i feel within...

Craving....

to kneel...

to bow....

to be fucked...

to feel his power against my skin...

His crop....

His cock...

within my mind...

to yield...

to release...

to know i have found the one...

the one to lead...

craving ...

to smile...

to laugh...

to cry...

to feel...

it is controlling...

filled with pain...

with joy....

to look in his eyes....

To see his smile....

To feel he has searched for me....

As hard as i have searched for him...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

On Needs...

I had a  nice conversation yesterday about needs.

His position was that needs are absolute, one cannot exist without, like water or air,

that too many say they "need" this lifestyle,

when they really don't need, but want.

And that too often, needs and wants get convoluted.

i understand his point but i cannot say i agree.

For me to say i need this lifestyle...

Well certainly i would not die without it...

Not in the physical sense, but in the mental sense ... yes!

When the alternative is to live life unhappy, unsatisfied...

Then it becomes a need in either book.

There is a wonderful website for submissive s that offers some great insight

into the differences between needs and wants.

Luna K's

For the most part,  i am aware of my needs and of my wants.

As well as the differences between them.

i need trust, i need to feel safe and protected, and i need to love and feel loved.

i want to feel playful and carefree, i want to be used, to be fucked, to be spanked.

And yes those wants could easily be needs.

But those needs are certainly not wants.

For me ....

my needs are clear and defined, unwavering and uncompromising...

very much like water or air...


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My CM rant....

One of the many typical conversations on CM:

His message: Lovely Legs

my response: Thank you

His message: what are you seeking here?

I'll be back in 2 hours

my response: Well hopefully you are not asking me to write for 2 hours : )

What i am seeking.... I am seeking a capable and worthy
Dominant Man who is aware of his needs, and is fully

capable of putting forth the effort to insure his needs are met,
and in doing so, meet the needs that i possess...
i guess that is it in a nutshell!


His message: mmmm sounds delic, do you enjoy being tied up?


This is my issue, first and foremost i have a profile.

And on that profile i clearly state what i am seeking.

So that leaves two scenarios:

1. He didn't read my profile

or

2. He is not clear on what that profile says.

My guess is number one.

And next, his response to what i am seeking....

Did he even read that?

ugh.....

It can be so very frustrating.

I do say i want someone intelligent on my profile,

but then if they don't read it, they wouldn't know that.

Now multiply that by 25,

because that is how many messages i got yesterday.

Granted they were not all quite that bad,

and many i did not take the time to respond back,

because typically they are overseas,

or worse have not written anything in their profile.

So why is it so difficult to stay sane, to stay centered,

to meet the "one"....

I guess that explains it....

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

finding balance...

In having absolutely nothing going on in my life right now i am left with an abundance of time. And in that empty time, my mind wanders! Now stop worrying, it is okay, really it is...

It allows me time to consider things from my past, the different scenarios that
have crossed my path in the past few months, and where or what could have been different or even better.

It helps me to define better what i need to do to get to the goal i am attempting to reach.

We learn from our past.

And typically those lessons are ones that have the greatest impact on us.

With experience, we have an awareness.

And there are times when this "school of hard knocks" that i seemingly attend each day, can be compared to a trip to the dentist for a root canal.

But i also know the power of "positive thinking" and although the difficulty in finding that "positive" amongst all the root canals can be a tad difficult, it is also, so very necessary.

So today is a day for the beach, a day to find balance, to re center my mind, to find the value in the lessons, and to put them behind me and move forward, one foot in front of the other.

It will be a very good day....

Monday, May 9, 2011

The price... (fiction and fantasy)

If only she hadn't made that one mistake, that one minute of stolen pleasure. But she had, she knew when she did it, there would be a price to pay for her indiscretion. There was no going back. He had made a point of telling her several times this week that Friday would be the day she would pay for her mistake. And now here she was, waking up on Friday morning. The thoughts of what the day would bring, filling her mind. He would not be too cruel, would he?

It was just one innocent moment of pleasure stolen! She knew that orgasm did not belong to her, it was his. He had made that perfectly clear in the beginning. She was never to cum without his permission.

In her mind she could hear him saying "that is my pussy and i decide what it needs". Rules are rules, and with him, there are never to be any deviations in those rules.

Throughout the day at work her mind would wander, what was he planning. It became nearly impossible for her to focus on anything else. The entire time she was filled with anticipation, and the day dragged by. Each time she would look at the clock it seemed to be going at half speed. Finally the day was over, the week end was here it was time to go home and face the music.

As she walked up to the door, the thought occurred to her, maybe she could call and just say she wasn't feeling well. Maybe he would take heart and be gentle with her. No, that would not be the "right" thing to do. She made the mistake, she knew she needed to take her punishment like a big girl. She needed to make it right.

As she walked in the door, she caught glimpses of the bedroom, the flogger, the nasty crop, the cane, the paddle, the tawse, oh how she hated that one, all neatly laid out. As she looked in his eyes she saw the smile. He enjoyed seeing her nervous, he fed on it.

She did as he instructed, she undressed, she put on the collar, the cuffs, and then the blindfold, purposely leaving one little area of the blindfold a bit too far over so she could see a tiny little space. Of course this did not go unnoticed by him, he quickly corrected that, giving her a nice firm slap on the ass for her attempted oversight. Then he led her down the hall. She walked slowly knowing the pain that was about to befall her.

He laid her on the bed, face down and attached the wrist cuffs to the hooks he had so strategically placed. Then he ordered her "ass in the air i need a clear shot" and proceeded to attach the ankle cuffs. She complied, waiting for the first blow, anticipating it. She knew her pussy was soaked, it had been all day, but even more so now.

She listened, maybe she could tell which "implement" he was going to use first. But no, she hears nothing, she is not even sure he is still there. What is he doing? Is he just standing there watching her drip? Or did he leave? Go some where else, leaving her in this completely exposed position? What if there is a fire? What if she has to go to the bathroom? What if he is there watching, but not alone? All the different scenarios playing through her mind. In what seemed like hours, but in reality were just a mere few minutes, she heard his breaths, she felt him near. Her mind relaxed, and at that moment.....






Ah yes the Mind Fuck... so damn powerful.... i do love it so...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

on comfort...

So life is returning to normal once again.

Whatever Normal is...

The CM profile is back up and i am having to weed through the foolishness already...

i do attempt to look for lessons in things...

But in this one there was no lesson.

i honestly felt as if i was as close as possible to what i need.

But i need the weak knees, the fluttering heart, the wet pussy syndrome to go along with everything else.

Without it, it is just too normal.

And normal is the opposite end of the spectrum from where i need to be.

And i have to ask why?

Why normal is not enough, is it something genetic, is it a defect in my being that normal is not acceptable?

i guess in the end its kind of like having blue eyes.

i could put in a pair of those colored contacts and change my eyes to green, but at some point, i would need to take them out and my eyes would still be blue.

And when it really boils down, there is nothing wrong with having blue eyes.

And being comfortable with who and what i am....

Not normal....

There is nothing wrong with that either.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Almost perfect...

Its is so strange how difficult chemistry can be...

I so wish i could just say "poof" let there be chemistry...

But unfortunately, it is just so damn hard to find.

I met a really nice man, with a truly wonderful mind, and hoped upon hope that

just for that first moment i could "feel" the chemistry.

Everything else is so truly perfect,

but it just wasn't to be.

If only i knew that it would come with time,

but it doesn't.

So i am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and trudging forward.

He is out there somewhere....

Friday, May 6, 2011

butterflies...

Tonight is the night....

The girl is as nervous as can be!

i see this door in front of me...

The door i have craved for so very long.

And tonight the door will open,

and i will peer in

and see

is this the door for me?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

1% away from perfection...

If i were asked what the most painful part of this journey is...

i would have to say it is dealing with the "let down" i feel when talking with someone seriously for a period of time, then realizing it is not quite what i am looking for, and opting to move on.

i am aware that i am not alone in that "let down", that he will feel the let down as well.

i have to open myself up in the exploration process, there is no option, and try as i may to protect myself, it is never possible to really avoid the pain.

i tend to process things differently though.

When i feel it is not right, and i walk away, i do not look back.

i know there is a reason i walked away, and regardless as to whether that reason is right or wrong, i felt the need to walk away.

i do not go back and revisit with a "well maybe if i tweak this or that, it will work."

To me it needs to feel 100% completely right.

I just cannot within my mind find a way to submit to 99%.

We need to be on the same path, heading in the same direction with that ever elusive thing we call chemistry as our constant companion.

That makes up the 100%.

Twice yesterday i was contacted by 99%'s.

i feel bad having to justify my reasoning for walking away.

But i have to go with my gut, if something doesn't feel right, then it just isn't right.

Currently the one who has captured my attention is one of those i spoke to 6 months ago and for one reason or another, he got busy, i got distracted, we never met.

The paths, the destination are perfectly aligned, and this week end i will find out if it is indeed 100%.

The chemistry is not something either of us can control, if it is there for both of us, it is quite possible my search has ended.

And if not, it will hurt, but i will pull up my big girl panties, ur ok i will find a pair of panties, dust em off, a nice lace thong should work, so i can pull em up, and i will trudge on.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

what i wonder...

In reading the various blogs, there are many that live in 24/7 situations.

That is the ultimate goal for me.

But i cannot help but question myself.

Am i capable?

Often things look so good from the outside, and then once inside, it is not at all

as it appeared.

I worry about that.

I have never lived in a 24/7, as a matter of fact i have lived on my own for 22 years, doing things basically my way.

In my previous D/s relationship when i was at his house, it was his way.

I was always fine with that.

But then when i would return home, the D/s ended, and it was back to my way.

And i always knew in the back of my mind, i would be returning to "my way" shortly.

There was no structure, no routines other than those i had for myself.

But i wonder, can i adjust?

Can i fully let go of "my way"?

And maybe i am putting the cart before the horse so to speak.

I do have a tendency to "over think" just about everything in my life.

Maybe it will just flow naturally...

I do not question my desire...

but my ability.

Insecurities are never fun.

I do have tremendous sympathy for who ever he is...

He is definitely going to have his hands full with this one.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

with abandon...


Feeling Control...

Craving Control....

They do tend to go hand in hand.

The more i feel it, the more i crave it.

Chocolate for the soul.

Yes i am a control freak....

haha but not the one in control.

i want nothing to do with that.

i want to feel the control, the focus...

It is the drug.

But not one administered lightly.

i do fight it

the walls stand strong

until suddenly without notice...

they start to cave.

And i stand there

naked and needing.

But oh so very content...

Surreal and serene, it is a world like no other.

It is a release, a freedom,

a lightness of being...

Letting go...

No worries, no stress

But so alive

and so at peace...

video

Monday, May 2, 2011

Master of the Mind ****

Well the girl has been doing a few of her own sways and sighs these past few days...

Not under the control of the flogger or the whip...

But certainly feeling the control.

Yes the mind fuck can be even more intense than any implement for creating those sways and sighs...

And he has Mastered the art quite well.

He has penetrated the shell...

Or maybe imploded it....

there are no unanswered questions, no ill feelings in the soul...

not one shadow of a red flag...

the lil girl is alive and well, full of wonder and amazement...

the oh so tingling images

the sweet sadist has created...

The smiles, the unpredictability, the anticipation...

they all tell her...

he has got it.

He has crawled inside her head...

and took a look around...

He has found the buttons,

And he has pushed them.

Leaving her with a "wow", a huge smile, and some very wet thighs...

He has my attention! Every drop of it!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

sways and sighs

Yes the munch went on as scheduled...

But No, the girl did not play.

She really didn't feel the need to.

Her mindset is at a great place these last few days...

and if it is not broke....

But it was nice to go.

To see the floggers flailing,

and the arses swaying,

to hear the crack of the whips,

and the submissive sighs of pleasure and pain.

But for me, it simply reinforced the notion that i cannot just play to play.

i need that connection, that power "exchange" and not on a momentary basis.

So yes i may be different....

But that is okay.

i am not lost and wandering...

At least not these days.

These days i am talking, only talking with one who does help me focus.

A mix of needs and wants and a few laughs sprinkled in for good measure.

And for me, it is the perfect mix...