Things were off and i knew it, i felt it deep inside, but pushed it away, wanting it better, knowing it could be if he would just take the reins, embrace what he had and be happy with that!
But promises made, turned to promises broken!
If there is one key in this lifestyle, it is TRUST!
Without it, no doors will open! The walls will remain standing! There is no half way in trust...It is yes or no, black or white, stop or go!
If you have read my blog for the past few months, you know there was another in MPH's life. She was a former from last year, according to him!
According to her, she was his fiance!
On July 22nd, he told me 2 weeks tops and she would be gone!
So cut to 3 weeks ago, MPH moved from 4 hours away to live with his lil slut, namely me! Yes he pulled up stakes, quit his job there, found another here and we have been living 24/7 since!
Things started beautifully!
I was as happy as could be, couldn't imagine being happier!
Yes, i knew she was still in his life, but i dealt with it, same as one would with a big zit right smack on their face! You know it will go away eventually, but each time you look in the mirror, the question eats at your soul, why does it not leave?
You try every miracle cream on the planet, but still, it is there! Looking right back in the mirror, at you! Your hostility grows...
(yes i like the comparison too!)
Anyway, last week i wouldn't give up my pin number for my ATM card! And it wasn't really that which bothered MPH, but what i said in refusing the number, i said
"the trust isn't quite there yet". He was shocked! How could i not trust him yet?
I explained he had given me his word, she would be gone!
And she wasn't gone, she was still there every single night around 10 pm for that good night call! Yes we are cuddled up in bed, when he needs to "go outside for the call". Heaven, isn't it!
Anyway, last night he scared me. i felt compelled to use the safe word! He quit, however, the fact that i needed to use it... in the past 16 years i have never used a safe word until last night! That said everything!
Today when i returned home from work, there was a note, and he had moved out!
He says he is going to fix the situation and will contact me when it is done!
To me it was cowardly!
It is unforgivable!
So just what do i do with this collar on my neck?
The only communication we have had, was that question via text!
His response:
"Do what you want and i will let you know when she is out of my life, then you can let me know if you can learn to trust me!"
So tell me my friends... what do i do with my collar?
A. keep it on, he will come back, but do i really want him back?
B. Tuck it neatly into the jewelry box until he returns...but no i don't think i want him back...
C. Craigs list!
or ...
D. break it up into a hundred pieces and toss it away, just as he has done...
I just don't know!
oh my! It's not my place to answer this, but my sweet friend...protect yourself..its seems that MHP is not.
ReplyDeleteif you want to chat..you know my email.
Hugs
:) TY!
ReplyDeleteHard to answer that one. He doesn't seem to be dedicated to you though. Take care of yourself, because he doesn't seem interested in taking care of you. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWilliam
Thank you William!
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is I'm sorry. And good luck on coping with this. You deserve to be treated better.
ReplyDeleteFD
Thank you FD!
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to hear how things played out. Trust...the foundation of it all. Takes time to build and can be lost in a second. Regaining it? That can be the hardest part of all...if maybe not even possible. Only you know, or will know, if you can ever trust him...assuming he does try to come back. It very well may be that this lack of trust is always in the back of your mind and you can never get beyond it totally. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best, as always.
ReplyDeleteDV
Yes DV, what trust there was is now completely shattered! I honestly do not believe it will ever be found again! Leaving as he did, a note, instead of talking to me... well... true colors! I do deserve better, i am fully aware of that! I will get through it, stronger and more wise than i was before! But thank you for your friendship and support....
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are hurting. Sorry this happened to you. I wish the best for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you poured out! I am actually doing quite well so far... Maybe one of those times where i will crash and burn later but thus far... all is ok!
ReplyDeleteYou are so very strong- it is evident in your post... and he does not deserve YOU....imho
ReplyDelete~faithful
Thank you faithful! I think most all submissives are really quite strong! When we need strength it is there! Thank you for your warm thoughts!
ReplyDeleteoh I'm so sorry!! and it seemed to be going so well too!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
I hope you will find out how you want to handle this. About the collar; only you know that...that is all feeling! It's like deciding when to remove and engagement/wedding ring. I know it took me quite awhile before i could bring myself to do that....
Good luck!
(((((HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteThank you sweet girl! It was funny that the need to get it off was almost immediate, but i waited for his text first, how silly is that! It obviously had more meaning to me than it did to him!
ReplyDeleteThank you sfm....
ReplyDeleteTo be frank...it sucks. (And that's my non-literary term for it.)
ReplyDeleteWhen you put your whole self into this, everything that you are - you're TRUSTING that they are too, and you find out that it's just not being reciprocated.
Yep. It sucks.
The temptation, the pull of what you know you felt with him...that's thinking with our heart. Thankfully, our head - the brain we have that keeps us sane and absolutely freaking brilliant in this lifestyle decision, it tells us what we really know to be true...that we deserve better.
And when that better comes along - in WHATEVER manner it comes along - it will be so very good.
Trust your head.
C.
Ugh so sorry to hear about this =( Not sure what to do with the collar....I would probably cry my eyes out all over it or rip it to shreds haha...but thats an emotional response ;)
ReplyDeleteVery nicely expressed His_C! And really right on!
ReplyDeleteI definitely was moving forward with my heart... it just felt so good so right but then the bottom falls out and i am left wondering why did i not see it coming? Because i was thinking with my heart! I can't say that is a bad thing... if i analyzed each person i let into my life, i would be a very lonely person! So it boils down to trust, trust in our hearts pointing us into the right direction... not always successful!
Thank you GB... friggin emotions anyway! :)