The Test Drive...

So the plan was made... i would go there and spend 24 hours as his, just to see what life with him would be like. I was free to leave at anytime... If at the end of the time there, we both agreed we would move forward.... Or not!

And as you all know from my last post... the girl was definitely "smitten"... driving there with hopes and anticipation.... Talking with him most of the way, feeling really good about everything.....

And now the details..... (well some of them at least... the basics)

First thing he does, is puts a collar on me... just as a reminder, oops maybe it was the second, i think he had me get undressed first and stand there completely naked, as he looked me up and down smiling that devious smile of his...
then i think was the collar... ya know my mind was moving in a million different directions and well i wasn't actually taking notes, so i may not have everything in proper order...

but after that we sat and talked for what seemed like an hour maybe more... he told me a lot about who he is as a Man... giving me that glimpse into the Man before me... and i loved it.... He is a bit of a former bad boy in his youth, but one with a tremendous amount of strength and determination, he has over come a lot of roadblocks, qualities i so admire and respect...

This man who tells me he is not really a Sadist... yes is indeed a Sadist, but ... he is not what i would say is a typical Sadist.. he is a very sensuous Sadist.
Just a man and his toy... and play with his toy he did! For hours upon hours... Carefully noticing my reactions, always insuring i was feeling safe. Stopping only to feed his toy.. which he did rather nicely, placing the food in her mouth piece by piece, showering his toy, drying her off, making her laugh, making her scream, growl and purr, but through out... his care, his concern always at the fore front.

And in the morning, when i woke up in his arms, i knew this is exactly the place i needed to be, with the Man i needed to belong to... i just knew it! No questions, no qualms...

We are two very similar souls, seeking the same things in life...With him i felt safe, i felt cared for, i felt adored and i felt owned...

Life in La La Land....

It is so nice to be missed....

For one who never misses a day to blog...

and then suddenly 2 days

and no blog....

You know something is amiss...

Thanks for the concern, but i am just fine...

well kinda...

The girl has been struggling...

internally

an unrest...

Don't you hate that "stomach in a knot" sort of feeling....

the gut which never lies....

is saying something.

Interpreting that message...

yes there in lies the difficulty!

i live in a la la land of sorts...

never wanting the people i care about to ever feel hurt...

and often i sugar coat

leaving the truth some where under that sweet sugar shell.

My meeting the other day...

the Him that i met...

was not the him for me.

He is still a keeper in my mind....

just not a keeper for me.

I knew it wasn't all there for me

the burning lust....

But he was a nice guy

One i didn't want to hurt...

But my gut, was telling me

to keep looking...

i tried to push it away, ignore it...

But it persisted....

and finally i gave in...

i walked away from him...

i know it is the right thing

but that really doesn't make it easier.

It is that 99% versus 100% thing...

And maybe it is that la la land that i live in

thinking things should be, will be 100%...

And i will probably spend my life alone

searching for that 100%

never accepting 99%...

But i can't quit trying...

it just may be right around the corner...

On being Friends....

There was a comment yesterday

about meeting new "friends"...

And i wanted to say something there

but figured

if i did

it would turn into another blog....

So here is the "other" blog.

I have tried when meeting some of these men

to maintain a friendship.

But it doesn't work...

Especially when they read my blog,

And understand where things went wrong...

or didn't understand anything.

They think i am being unfair to them

they do not understand those things which i hold as integral...

They think things like a kiss

are just not that important.

I mean these are Dominant men,

and confidence is a trait i am most attracted to.

So i do tend to take things at a slower pace

than they would prefer.

i hold back a great deal

and put on my "tough" hat

"no you cannot control me"

before the face to face.

Every once in a while

one sneaks through the cracks

and i give up just a little.

But what kind of Dominant

would he be

if he didn't push for more.

And sometimes we don't even make it

to the face to face.

Because they do not understand

why i hold back.

And there are some who still

insist

there was something there,

when truly there was not.

i know what "it" feels like

to find the one....

And yes you do know it

with no doubts...

You feel it with every inch of your being...

And when i do "feel" it...

The face to face will be the beginning

and not the end.

Creating His....

Well with my nice peaceful mindset today...

I keep wandering off.

Thinking...

(i know... dangerous)

But just thinking...

what it would be like...

To be owned.

To be "His Toy"...

Ah but i am already

"His Toy"...

Of course the "His" part is still the elusive mystery...

So that just leaves the "Toy"

But of course, toys can dream...

They can imagine all sorts of fun, creative, erotic, sweet and completely

nasty trouble to get themselves into...

And i must admit, i am fairly accomplished at that.

Especially when the mind is free, and happy, and feeling oh so playful.

Like today...

Today, the "His" factor

can be anyone the toy wants him to be...

Doing all those things

the toys mind envisions...

And just maybe...

When it is no longer just a dream...

when reality comes to play..

The "His" of her dreams

And the "His" of reality

will be...

one and the same...

Just playing with His Toy...

the Hard Knocks...

Every experience, good or bad, contains within it a lesson.

"Tell me what your vision of 24/7 would be?"

To me, this is an important question, and if properly answered, could have saved us both some anguish.

But it did not get answered, until later, until after the meeting.

And when it was finally answered, it did not sit well with me.

It showed me his vision, was not my vision.

My vision is simple, so very simple...

Dauntless Vitality said it wonderfully (Yes he always does) in his post last Sunday:

"it is about mutual trust and respect. It has an element of one being in control and the other submitting to that control. Yet, at the same time it is about mutual love, admiration and adoration."

That is my vision! It seems so simple... Almost too simple...

So one of my lessons is this:

If the question is too difficult to answer...

than i am too difficult to handle...

Unless of course he reads this blog first,

And "opts" to hide his true motivations.

Then i am just screwed...

purposeful path...

"i am not a pain slut"

"then you are not submissive"

"oh? ... Good bye"

It amazes me how many men i cross paths with who have no clue.

For me the core of this lifestyle has absolutely nothing to do with floggers, or canes or whips. Nothing to do with sex, or pain, or for that matter the pleasure.

It is COMPLETELY about the mind. It is about the control, the "exchange of power".

Those implements are simply that, and nothing more.

The true pleasure comes from the mind, the heart and the soul.

Granted my submission is not something i can offer lightly.

I can not just offer my ass to the cane without first having the desire to offer my heart.

This lifestyle is not about sex, it is about trust, about the connection between two people.

CC is now a member of the "no, i am no longer interested" group."

The reason is, i told him i had a difficult time watching my Master with another woman.

He found that appalling.

He said that meant i was too insecure.

Yes i do have insecurities, and i am certain he does as well.

But in my mind, the fact that he felt that was so very important tells me we are on two very different paths. Mine mental, his sexual.

It is not saying his path is wrong, it is just wrong for me.

If there is one thing i have learned on this journey, it is how very difficult that "connection" is to find.

I do think many "settle" because the sex is great, and do not consider the most important aspects of the "connection".

And in the end, the differences become obstacles which they are unable to overcome.

And they float from Dom to Dom, or sub to sub, not quite understanding why.

But they take no time to look deep, to insure the "minds" are traveling in the same direction.

It is very easy to offer ones body, but to offer ones mind, ones soul, ones heart, that is truly the difficult part of this journey.

And because of the difficulty of the journey, i do feel when i do "find" what i am looking for, it will make things that much more appreciated. That much more worth it! And that much more unlikely i will ever "settle".