Speaking up! Well kinda...

I have changed through the years.

Most of those changes for the better...

At least, i think so!

In my marriage, i went weeks with no sex, and never did i utter the words

"Fuck me, just take me right here, right now"

No, I was a good girl!

Never would i consider saying what was truly in my thoughts...

And in my previous D/s relationship....

when things would start feeling off kilter...

Never would i utter a word of dissatisfaction!

I would just ignore the feeling....

And now, maybe it is because of the importance of this relationship to me

or maybe it is because of the lessons i have learned through the years,

Or just maybe it is "Him"...

I tend to say what is on my mind,

never intending it to be a complaint of any sort,

But more of a "this is how i am feeling"...

This relationship is, in my eyes,

what i have searched for, what i have needed for a very long time.

Always hoping for, but never really certain it was possible!

So when something is on my mind, it finds a way to my lips...

And sometimes i think i confuse him.

I know that often i speak in riddles never really saying what i mean...

But when we are together,

everything is intense,

heightened!

And of course that is not a bad thing by any means...

until it wears off!

And i am here

and he is there...

Then it just becomes, well kind of difficult...

I have never been such a needy woman before.

But he does that to me

and i am not really certain how to handle that within myself!

In the past i have managed to stifle my needs, to hide them, to disregard them!

When i am with him, my needs are met!

That in itself is new to me!

But then we part...

And in a few days

after all the intensity dissipates...

My mind craves...

My "need" becomes over powering...

and when i try to deal with it...

I feel unequipped...

I can't seem to explain it

even now the words aren't there!

But "it" is...

Until tomorrow anyway...

when i see him, all will be wonderful!

Such a vicious circle!

Life in La La Land....

It is so nice to be missed....

For one who never misses a day to blog...

and then suddenly 2 days

and no blog....

You know something is amiss...

Thanks for the concern, but i am just fine...

well kinda...

The girl has been struggling...

internally

an unrest...

Don't you hate that "stomach in a knot" sort of feeling....

the gut which never lies....

is saying something.

Interpreting that message...

yes there in lies the difficulty!

i live in a la la land of sorts...

never wanting the people i care about to ever feel hurt...

and often i sugar coat

leaving the truth some where under that sweet sugar shell.

My meeting the other day...

the Him that i met...

was not the him for me.

He is still a keeper in my mind....

just not a keeper for me.

I knew it wasn't all there for me

the burning lust....

But he was a nice guy

One i didn't want to hurt...

But my gut, was telling me

to keep looking...

i tried to push it away, ignore it...

But it persisted....

and finally i gave in...

i walked away from him...

i know it is the right thing

but that really doesn't make it easier.

It is that 99% versus 100% thing...

And maybe it is that la la land that i live in

thinking things should be, will be 100%...

And i will probably spend my life alone

searching for that 100%

never accepting 99%...

But i can't quit trying...

it just may be right around the corner...

On Needs...

I had a  nice conversation yesterday about needs.

His position was that needs are absolute, one cannot exist without, like water or air,

that too many say they "need" this lifestyle,

when they really don't need, but want.

And that too often, needs and wants get convoluted.

i understand his point but i cannot say i agree.

For me to say i need this lifestyle...

Well certainly i would not die without it...

Not in the physical sense, but in the mental sense ... yes!

When the alternative is to live life unhappy, unsatisfied...

Then it becomes a need in either book.

There is a wonderful website for submissive s that offers some great insight

into the differences between needs and wants.

Luna K's

For the most part,  i am aware of my needs and of my wants.

As well as the differences between them.

i need trust, i need to feel safe and protected, and i need to love and feel loved.

i want to feel playful and carefree, i want to be used, to be fucked, to be spanked.

And yes those wants could easily be needs.

But those needs are certainly not wants.

For me ....

my needs are clear and defined, unwavering and uncompromising...

very much like water or air...

Caged words...

In looking at the responses i get at the various sites, initially i would receive hundreds a day. To say it was overwhelming is really a huge understatement. Now it is maybe 10 a day. Of those 8 or 9 are really BS and it is clear immediately.

I am approaching a year of truly throwing myself into this search.

I have made quite a few friends through this process, ones where i cherish their wisdom and knowledge. For one reason or another, we knew from the start that we were not a "fit". Usually it is a matter of distance, or age, or maybe "needs" were so different.

Some want to only "talk" and nothing more. And if time allows that is fine with me. But time is not something i have an abundance of.

Occasionally, one shines through, above the others. For this one i make time. He finds his way into my thoughts through out the day. Weaving a path, filled with twist and turns, and often a bit of a tingle.

I wake in the morning and he is the first to enter my mind.

And when i lay my head on my pillow at night, it is his image that lies behind my eyes as i close them.

And i wonder, does he hear the music too?

I would never throw myself "out there" and actually voice those words.

They stay inside, safe and protected. Always hoping the time will come to free those words, to let them feel the air, to release them from their confinement.

I have learned in this journey, that although the "tingles" present themselves, it takes so much more than that to be real.

The true reality is that until i can see his eyes, feel his touch, nothing truly exist beyond my mind.

Perfect Harmony...

Such a good girl for Daddy...

Ohhh baby girl you make Daddy so very proud....

Do you know what Daddy wants to do to you.....

Oh yes, words can do so very much!

I had a relatively normal childhood. A product of the 60's, both parents worked hard, we were what was considered at the time, middle class.

There was no abuse. There was discipline, expectations, routine.

So i have to ask myself where does this Daddy / lil girl desire come from?

Why do those sentences above just make me soak my panties?

I guess it really doesn't matter. But knowing the effect it has on me does!
Knowing my needs and my wants, defining them, fine tuning them, that does matter!
It doesn't change much, the basics are still in place.

Its like saying i like sunny days! Well yes i do, but not sunny and 40 degrees, i like sunny and 80 degrees! That i love! I can accept sunny and 70 degrees, but i want sunny and 80 degrees or maybe 90 degrees!

So i have answered my own question.

I know what i want, and that is why this search has taken so long! And no, being selective is not a fault, it is most assuredly an asset.

To settle on 60 and sunny, would be a mistake!