Life in La La Land....

It is so nice to be missed....

For one who never misses a day to blog...

and then suddenly 2 days

and no blog....

You know something is amiss...

Thanks for the concern, but i am just fine...

well kinda...

The girl has been struggling...

internally

an unrest...

Don't you hate that "stomach in a knot" sort of feeling....

the gut which never lies....

is saying something.

Interpreting that message...

yes there in lies the difficulty!

i live in a la la land of sorts...

never wanting the people i care about to ever feel hurt...

and often i sugar coat

leaving the truth some where under that sweet sugar shell.

My meeting the other day...

the Him that i met...

was not the him for me.

He is still a keeper in my mind....

just not a keeper for me.

I knew it wasn't all there for me

the burning lust....

But he was a nice guy

One i didn't want to hurt...

But my gut, was telling me

to keep looking...

i tried to push it away, ignore it...

But it persisted....

and finally i gave in...

i walked away from him...

i know it is the right thing

but that really doesn't make it easier.

It is that 99% versus 100% thing...

And maybe it is that la la land that i live in

thinking things should be, will be 100%...

And i will probably spend my life alone

searching for that 100%

never accepting 99%...

But i can't quit trying...

it just may be right around the corner...

The natural flow...

The core of a D/s relationship for me

has nothing to do with the sex...

okay well maybe not...

nothing....

But it goes so far beyond the sex.

For me, i need to look deep inside him,

to know him, really know him....

how his mind works, what is in his heart...

what he deems as important in his life...

the good and the not so good...

before i can determine his ability to handle the "power" of us.

Those things in his mind, his heart

need to be in tune....

with what is in my mind and in my heart.

Therein lies the element of trust.

When you trust that he wants what you want

that he needs what you need,

and not simply in regard to sex,

but rather in life as a whole...

That is the point when the light turns on

that you know,

yes he is capable,

yes he is worthy.

The need to let go

of all that you hold close

suddenly without force,

is "naturally" his...

as smoothly as that.

Its not really a decision

it just simply... is!

To get to that point takes time...

it takes deep explorations of thoughts,

of feelings...

It takes communication in the rawest form.

i need for him to open up,

to show me those thoughts, those feelings...

Show me who he is...

i need to feel safe

to let go of the doubts, the questions....

to feel the flow is as smooth and "natural"

as it was meant to be...

the surpirise of a smile...

Friendship and surprises....

That was my day yesterday...

First was my meeting with SBF...

we talked

we laughed

she is as delightful a woman in person

as she is on the pages of her blog...

Then i was off to the "other" meeting...

the one i had set no expectations on.

i went into it almost thinking

lets get this out of the way...

Well guess what?

he threw me for a loop...

i like him!

he was sweet

he was charming

every bit the gentleman...

He made me feel safe...

and yes

he even knows how to kiss...

this one may be a keeper...

time will tell!

So this girl is skipping off to the beach today

with a smile in her heart....