illusion...

I am in a bratty mood.

I do not feel well.

I do not feel like writing today.

Yesterday, just to put me in a foul mood, an old "friend" told me he was worried about me. After reading my blog, he told me he felt i was losing touch with who i am. He told me i was opening myself up for pain, for disappointment. (and some other not so nice things) It forced me to spend way too much time yesterday defending myself.

And it hurt.

But for some unknown reason, inside, i think that was his intention from the beginning.

To hurt me, to make me feel more vulnerable.

He knew i was excited about my upcoming "date".

With friends, i anticipate support. But when jealousy and the need to control come into the mix, it causes me to re examine motivations.

So today i will spend my time neatly wrapping up that conversation into a nice little box, and sticking it far away in a little corner in the closet. Not forgetting the conversation, but also paying no heed to the mean words exchanged.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day, and i will dance tomorrow.

Being a bad girl really is okay...

I can feel within me some changes.

I would never say the words fuck or slut or, heaven forbid, cunt.

But now they just roll off my tongue quite unconsciously.

Am i becoming a bad girl?

I always thought i was a bad girl, deep inside, all those kinky erotic thoughts all the time.

So maybe i am becoming a badder bad girl.

The inhibitions become fewer, the desire to show "who i am" stronger.

The need to pursue what i want in my life has become almost insatiable.

And i am okay with that.

The acceptance that maybe i am not "normal" in the vanilla world is one i relish.

I have no desire to be normal.

I view normal everyday, and i love being different than that.

I love that the people reading this, understand it.

Maybe once in a while, it will generate a wisp of a smile because they have felt that too.

And they know, just as i do, that they are in some pretty cool company.

Putting the pieces together...

Attempting to identify myself with a particular group is almost impossible for me, other than to identify as submissive. I am slave, i am lil girl, but i am neither constantly. But i am always submissive.

So am i looking for a Daddy or a Master?

To define a Master, would it not encompass a Daddy?

I know i am complex, i am fully aware of that.

He needs to be fully aware and very secure with who "he" is. That is asking for a lot.

It will take an exceptional Man.

My issue with IB was that he was too rigid. He was always being the Master, and not the Daddy. I am certain that for someone he will be an exceptional Master. But for me, it wasn't a good "fit".

It does take more than just knowledge or experience. You cannot create "mindset", nor can you create "chemistry".

With V i already know the chemistry is there. With just a thought, "things" tingle.

I read the things he has written, and i see the "fit".

Clearly the mindset is there.

Currently he is struggling with some "not so good" decisions he has made in his life. The regrets of those decisions, are holding him back.

But the time has come to let go of those regrets.

To open up his mind, his heart to living life as he wants, as he needs.

i am not certain that i am the one that can do that for him, but he needs to be open to the reality that just "maybe" i am.

Just as i need to be open to the reality that just maybe i am not.

Tuesday is approaching, and this lil girl is filled with excitement, with anticipation and a little bit of fear thrown in the mix. All very good emotions...