when the fog lifts...

He keeps asking me....

"You sound distant... what is wrong?"

And i repeat "Nothing is wrong"

But to a degree, i guess i am a bit out of sorts.

However, to say why that is... well...

I don't know why...

I am hoping when i see him tomorrow

that the "out of sorts" will find its way back to being

well... in sorts?

i know 5 days without seeing him is not that long...

But it doesn't make it easier!

And well, we had a bit of a misunderstanding that kind of threw me just a bit.

It was certainly nothing major, and it is well over now...

But i guess when i get thrown...

i need more than a "its okay" from the telephone or text to regain my balance.

And i know...

I need to see him, feel him...

to find my balance.

This "getting to know you phase" is difficult at times.

To expect there to be no sharp curves, no bumps in the road...

that would just be silly!

But the strange thing is...

when i see him, when i am with him

it just feels like there are no sharp curves, no bumps...

i don't even see the road...

oblivious to life outside the "Him"!

It is that treacherous road back,

yes, that is where the danger lurks...

when life returns without him!

The precision of the Dance...

Since time seems to be in short supply these days i took a few hours last night to surf the many blogs i have been missing as of late... with good reason of course!

But one in particular had me thinking... sins  posting on new relationships. And since this girl is currently jumping head first into a "new" relationship, it made me think about what MPH is going through these days, or most any Dom just stepping into those "new" shoes!

Now mind you, i am speaking only of the "real" Doms and not the wannabees (those that are just out to get laid or the wolves in sheep clothing types) But the true honest Dominant Man! In most cases they too have been searching for that "one" so when they find her and as sin says "the dance begins" they are not only choosing the music, but the location, the dance steps, the lighting, the temperature and all the other details of that dance,  rest firmly on their shoulders. It is in this view that we are able to see his true worthiness and capabilities.

If he tries dancing a Rumba when the music is a Waltz, it falls back to him. After all, he picked the music!

But when the dance is in perfect unison to the music and all the details fall perfectly in place, and he knows his planning was executed with precision, and we look up at him and say "take me, fuck me, let me be that nasty little slut you so crave.." Then his burden is lifted, knowing his preparations and all the planning of the little details, has shown her he is worthy, he is capable of being the Man she calls Master.

finding balance...

In having absolutely nothing going on in my life right now i am left with an abundance of time. And in that empty time, my mind wanders! Now stop worrying, it is okay, really it is...

It allows me time to consider things from my past, the different scenarios that
have crossed my path in the past few months, and where or what could have been different or even better.

It helps me to define better what i need to do to get to the goal i am attempting to reach.

We learn from our past.

And typically those lessons are ones that have the greatest impact on us.

With experience, we have an awareness.

And there are times when this "school of hard knocks" that i seemingly attend each day, can be compared to a trip to the dentist for a root canal.

But i also know the power of "positive thinking" and although the difficulty in finding that "positive" amongst all the root canals can be a tad difficult, it is also, so very necessary.

So today is a day for the beach, a day to find balance, to re center my mind, to find the value in the lessons, and to put them behind me and move forward, one foot in front of the other.

It will be a very good day....

on comfort...

So life is returning to normal once again.

Whatever Normal is...

The CM profile is back up and i am having to weed through the foolishness already...

i do attempt to look for lessons in things...

But in this one there was no lesson.

i honestly felt as if i was as close as possible to what i need.

But i need the weak knees, the fluttering heart, the wet pussy syndrome to go along with everything else.

Without it, it is just too normal.

And normal is the opposite end of the spectrum from where i need to be.

And i have to ask why?

Why normal is not enough, is it something genetic, is it a defect in my being that normal is not acceptable?

i guess in the end its kind of like having blue eyes.

i could put in a pair of those colored contacts and change my eyes to green, but at some point, i would need to take them out and my eyes would still be blue.

And when it really boils down, there is nothing wrong with having blue eyes.

And being comfortable with who and what i am....

Not normal....

There is nothing wrong with that either.

sways and sighs

Yes the munch went on as scheduled...

But No, the girl did not play.

She really didn't feel the need to.

Her mindset is at a great place these last few days...

and if it is not broke....

But it was nice to go.

To see the floggers flailing,

and the arses swaying,

to hear the crack of the whips,

and the submissive sighs of pleasure and pain.

But for me, it simply reinforced the notion that i cannot just play to play.

i need that connection, that power "exchange" and not on a momentary basis.

So yes i may be different....

But that is okay.

i am not lost and wandering...

At least not these days.

These days i am talking, only talking with one who does help me focus.

A mix of needs and wants and a few laughs sprinkled in for good measure.

And for me, it is the perfect mix...

adjusting the sails...

It is so delightful to peruse through the many blogs on D/s and feel the many different perspective defined throughout each.

Some of those touch me each and every time i read their words, they just have a way to reach inside and hold my heart.

And often with those words, i am taken away into another place.

They have a way of instilling a peacefulness inside, of helping me to re focus on what it is that i need in my life, of helping me to calm the fears of the unknowing of what hopefully may lay ahead for me someday.

And i find hope, i find serenity and even a sense of simplicity.

Through their words i see the other side, the freedom, the beauty, the completeness that they have found in their lives.

With that, i once again, find clarity.

I know my needs...

And although there are times they become distorted, or oblique, i trudge through, i refine that vision, i adjust the course and eventually i find my way back.

And now....

my sails are set, the course defined....

Balance

Closing my eyes and...

clicking my heels three times.....

It has been a rough couple of days.

And just like every other single submissive blogging woman,

i need a good healthy dose

of refocusing.

Just to find my balance.

Or as thesubmissivebf   calls it...

Maintenance.

And maybe this week end at the munch....

I will play....

I will take the "shy girl" public

and just do a little "maintenance"...

Not sure i can...

Not certain i will...

But i am "toying" with the offer...

running off to chase Butterflies again...

Not at all unlike most bloggers, i spend a great deal of time surfing through and reading other peoples blogs.

Considering their experiences, comparing them to my own.

This morning after visiting  Sfp's my topic has changed.

I am absolutely delighted for her...

But that has not happened to me and i ask myself, is it me?

Then i roam over to Aisha's

And find this is more my CM experience.

This i am unfortunately, an expert at.

I begin a dialogue, and then within minutes or maybe a few hours, they are asserting their "Dominance"...

And i run...

They are left standing there saying "what did i do wrong? "

I feel like i could be any "submissive", and it would be the same words spewing from their keyboard.

I do not want to feel that way.

And maybe that is the "princess" in me that wants to feel unique or special, who is searching for that "unique or special Dominant".

Is that being realistic?

So i am taking a walk, stepping away, gathering my thoughts, off to chase butterflies once again.

the fine line....

This lifestyle is so diverse, there are so many different segments, and so many different levels within each segment. One should never find this lifestyle boring!

If it becomes mundane, there are issues somewhere within the segments.

Acting up or becoming "slack" is a sign that something has gone awry some where.

In my previous relationship, when things became stagnate, i would slack, fully expecting him to bring things back to where they should be. But when that didn't happened it was perceived as one of two things.

First was the guilt, he is unhappy and i have failed!

And second was the blame, he is just not strong enough to take control.

The truth be known, it was really neither scenario.

It just wasn't "right". It didn't fit.

I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

We both wanted it to work so badly, that we didn't see the "misfit" at the time.

My commitment in my search, is for it to "fit". To recognize the square peg.

Ha ha, it sounds so easy!

It really takes patience, and a strong willingness to look beyond whats in front of me.

Being selective, not compromising are not "faults" but rather confidence and dedication.

It is believing that it will fit.

Believing that it will feel right.

Not just "some of the time", and maybe not "all of the time", but finding that fine line.

Finding the balance.