Some thoughts on "perception"

Over at DV's wonderful blog, he has been exploring the strength of submission, and the perception that the vanilla world holds of D/s! I attempted to respond there but as you can see my response became a bit long winded, (go figure) so here it is...

One conversation of late sticks out in my mind from work.  I work in a retail environment where it is mostly women and the topic of D/s came up! Maddy, an older woman of about 60, married 30 years, lets out a gasp "oh, i think it is just disgusting that whole D/s thing".  A few of the younger woman just kind of snickered and i asked her why she thought that, not meaning it to be entertaining, but for my own education!

She began to recount an incident where she and he husband Dave, were staying in a hotel. In the lobby, she saw a couple where the woman was collared and leashed, the sub referred to her Dom as Sir, and was very subservient in her actions! Maddy explained how uncomfortable that made her feel!

After further exploration, she admitted... She and her husband had not had sex in 4 years! 4 YEARS! sheesh... 3 days without an orgasm and i fall into a miserable unbearable funk!

When we asked if she missed the passion, she admitted she did, then we asked if  Dave, her husband,
really needed her to do that, would she? Knowing that the passion afterwards was going to be the most intense hottest sex she'd ever had... her response was priceless... "there is nothing i wouldn't do for him, short of hurting someone!" You could see in her eyes how she slowly began to understand where the conversation was leading...

I know Maddy is not alone in her misunderstanding of the lifestyle, nor is she alone in living life without ever knowing how truly magnificent love can be! And that is not to say she isn't head over heels for her husband, she definitely is!

If i had never tasted chocolate, how could i possibly ever crave it?

I know for me, i will never stop craving!  I am just not capable... It is not in my genetic make up!

And as horribly as this last one ended, the good times, well they only strengthen my resolve!

I know the beauty, i have felt the beauty, lived the beauty of this lifestyle and will not stop looking
for the real "My Perfect Him"....

home safe and sound....

We survived!

Seven wonderful days together and

MPH hasn't admitted to being bored with me yet!

The girl is beyond happy and content!

What a learning experience this trip has been for me!

I have learned so very much about MPH, very important details...

I discovered the extent my Master enjoys driving in a car with his slave,
naked and on display...

I did finally see what the inside of those peep booths look like, and how very little room there is... ummm ... to move around...

And how well my Master can spank and drive both at the same time...

But i noticed something very significant about myself in the process.

I feel owned....

The knowing that i belong to him never far from my mind, or his!

Even when meeting his family,

I didn't feel like the girlfriend, or the booty call...

He was always aware of me and what i was feeling, and he cared, really cared that all was good!

And although we didn't come home with any new tats...

(Yes he wants his slave marked)

The idea is closer than it was before the trip.

Just the details remain unresolved,

the wording, the location, etc

for now at least...

Just as it should be.....

i try not to anticipate MPH, i think i have discovered that it is futile to attempt!

A very good thing most assuredly ...

Keeping me guessing is one way to keep my interest peaked!

Two days ago, as we were speaking on the phone....

(he was giving me masturbation instructions, telling me which plug i needed next)

i turned around to find him standing in my bedroom!

That sudden feeling of i am being watched, startling at first,

then elation!

Our earlier conversations, were all centered around the future,

the next step...

already my mind was in a place of missing him, needing to feel him near.

And there he was, standing behind me, ready to pounce his prey!

And pounce he did and spank, and bite, and fuck, and well you got it...

for hours...

until his lil slut was thoroughly reminded of what being owned truly entails!

He is really quite demanding of his slut

At times i feel i cannot give anymore, so he proceeds to take...

and take some more....

it is then that i realize how truly owned i am.

He can take all he needs or wants

any way he needs or wants

at any time he needs or wants...

It is his!

That is "this thing we do"...

It is not mine to possess, to control in any form or fashion!

It was before i met him...

But now, it belongs, i belong...

completely to him!

Just as it should be!

The meaning of a collar!

We talked...

He is upset that i walked away without talking it over with him first.

I can't blame him for that.

he is right!

I did feel at the time,

that i talked about it for weeks leading up to it...

Like i was screaming it!

But a collar

it means not walking away...

it means talking and working it out

and if working it out is impossible

then he will take the collar off...

i understand this!

A collar means more than that...

it is a binding of two souls

into one....

It is not to be treated as an accessory...

a piece of glitz

to shine and sparkle in the light of day only

For even in the darkest of times,

the collar

and what it represents does not change...

The issue?

It will change, it will be gone, it is not forever!

a week, maybe two...

But the collar, it has no end, only a beginning

a new way

a new life

and i forgot that...

i took it for granted...

And for that i am sorry...

My collar is back

and never will i be the one to remove it again...

This "Him"....

ohhhhh Yes it is Tuesday....

And in just a few hours i will be there

with "Him"...

I have been writing this blog for basically 6 months now

and always when describing the "one" it was just a "Him"

Knowing those things that i was searching for in a "Him"

But never really knowing who that "Him" may be...

And although in my mind i have ideas of what that "Him"

would be like...

This "Him" is so much more...

Things like his scent....

i never thought about that

but his scent...

Drives me wild...

He writes to me a lot...

opening up his soul,

allowing me a view....

i had never considered the importance of that...

or the effect that would have on me.

i knew the "Him" would need to have a rather intense mind...

But this "Him" pushes that beyond.

But what really does it for me...

is how this "Him" makes me feel inside.

i always knew the significance of that

but really had no idea what it would actually feel like...

i knew what it felt like before...

but that was different...

a different him...

a different time...

a different me.

But today i know!

And it feels...

well

fucking awesome...

On growing up...

I was just asked the age old question...

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

My answer is really simple for anyone that knows me...

I don't want to grow up....

Growing up is not so much fun.

I do not have Big Shoulders.

And there are times...

the weight that is placed on them,

is too much.

I always manage....

not from want, but from need.

But its life...

It is the good with the bad and everything in between.

But oh god,

to just run around in the field and chase butterflies all day....

Wouldn't that be heaven!

today... i step back...

Today

i told him....

the square peg in the round hole syndrome was not working for me!

There was no kiss with our meeting.

And after we said good bye,

i sent him a message...

"why no kiss?"

His answer was

"kisses come with time".

But i disagree,

and he dislikes that about me

that i voice my thoughts....

and that is the square peg!

That Thing...

"Come out and play lil girl"

"No i don't want to"

"Oh silly lil girl, you do want to"

"but it is scary out there"

Sometimes it can feel frightening, that thing we call control.

Especially in the beginning.

The uncertainty, can be intimidating.

But it can also be thrilling, exciting.

Your blood racing with the commands.

Your need to see that smile or hear the words "good girl" becomes imperative.

You strive for perfection in each task.

Not always certain as to why the task is assigned, but knowing there is a reason, an end result.

It is simply a test, a push.

To feel that occasional push reminds you of the path, the path that he creates.

It reminds you...

ever so sweetly,

you are not walking this path alone.

Catch and release...

"You think I'll weep:
No, I'll not weep.
I have full cause of weeping, but this heart
Shall break into a hundred thousand flaws
Or ere I'll weep."
....William Shakespeare

Being a woman of strength, of strong character, is in itself a curse.

And it is with that curse that the greatest feelings of submission lie.

That sounds rather contradictory, but for me it is felt daily.

It is not to say that i do not bend, i certainly do.

Often i may look at a reaction i have, and realize the need to adjust.

As an example, anger.

When i allow anger to enter, it throws everything into a tumble.

I feel the off balance in its entirety.

But recognizing it, and attempting to change it, to "let go", that is where the beauty lies.

When you are able to let go of anger, to move beyond it, it truly can be freeing.

But not everything that weighs us down, or keeps us stagnate is easily recognizable.

It lies buried deep within.

And enter the capable Dominant, he recognizes it, he guides us through it, and through him we are able to release, to "let go", to be free....

Through this freedom, we are open to love, to trust and to revel in our submission.

Yes freedom through submission is truly paradise.

The hearts venture..

I honestly do not think it is that difficult.

Understanding what most submissive women need.

Granted i say "most".

There are always exceptions.

I am no exception.

I protect my heart fiercely.

I am not unlike most submissive women, strong yet extremely fragile.

I run with my heart in hand, hoping not to stumble and fall.

I define the path, the speed at which i run, and how tightly or loosely i hold that heart.

If the path looks crowded, or convoluted, my grasp is tighter, more focused.

I am not careless with my heart, often finding myself encasing that heart with an endless amount of determination and fortitude.

It is not even remotely possible for this girl to spread a little here and a little there.

If i offer my heart, it is fully and completely, without restraint.

It is in doing so, in letting go of that heart, that my submission can flourish, that my freedom is found.

It is trust, knowing that you will hold it with the same care, the same reverence as i.

You will protect it fiercely as well, always mindful of the delicateness in which it exist, and the reasoning behind why it was offered.

the discovery

I love the feeling when a Dominant can pull the lil girl out with just some simple conversation. It reinforces the feelings of how very much i need to be on this path.

It actually brings an inner smile. Who can't use some occasional fuzzies inside?

I guess that is what a day at the beach brings with it.

I love the lil girl inside.

She opens up the "freedom" to laugh and giggle, to act coy, to tease, to feel cute and sweet and carefree.

Her curiosity, her yearning and her innocence all instill a feeling of release for me, of letting go, of surrender.

I wish i could just stay in that world.

It is truly where my heart is happiest.

And what is really wonderful about this, is understanding this, grasping this, accepting it completely and allowing it to flourish.

This journey is not "all" about finding him, its also about discovering who i am and what drives me.

This is a very good step.