waiting...

Silence!


It is so safe..... isn't it?

In saying nothing.... one says so much!

He is silent....

And that makes me feel... well .... not safe!

Vulnerable....

That thing i run from, hide from, avoid like the plaque....

Just waiting for it to end, for life to return to that comfy sweet place i love so much...

So i close my eyes, i hold my breath....

And i wait....

a million little pieces...

Sometimes life seems so simple, so easy....

But it just isn't!

As i have mentioned in about 20 past blogs, patience and i, well we are polar opposites! It avoids me like the plaque! And apparently its absence in my life, has taken its toll on me!

And maybe, i honestly do not know, but just maybe, the past relationship
he was in was over. But, for me, it was not over enough!

I really have tried to be patient, to be tolerant, to push those "ugly" feelings to the side, unsuccessfully!

Two calls to Her in just a few hours, well that pushed the buttons, then the rush out the door in the morning, the final straw!

The pain of that moment was just too much...

And yes my heart is broken into a million little pieces!

But i know it is the right thing to do, to walk away, to let him figure it out!

If he comes back to me without her in his life, i will welcome him with open arms, but i can't "expect" it, i can't wait for it to sort itself out!

It is far too painful...

This man brought something very special to my life, and i can only hope he can figure it out!

Here in the present...

There are times i look at you, and i know, you are not here....

But i wonder where exactly is that mind

when it leaves me...

where does it wander off to?

I see the distance in your eyes

i want so bad to just reach in

and pull you back...

But i know

only you can do that

while i wait

helpless and full of need!

Wanting is not enough...

my need and your need

yes they are the same

but on the opposite ends of the spectrum...

i knew you needed to go there

to resolve old issues

and knowing you are doing just that

makes it well, not easier!

And patience and i

we are old foes...

never really walking the same path,

at the same time.

i will try to be patient

to show you

how very much this means to me

how very much i need this

i need you

to be here

really here

not just in body

but in mind and soul

as i am for you...

Holding tight

It is my nature, and of course most submissive womens' nature to always allow him to set the pace of the relationship. There are so many different standards in a D/s relationship that are not really the "rule" in a nilla one, but that is just the nature of the beast, and we accept that, after all it is he who is in control. And for that control that i most eagerly surrender, i accept his decisions as being the best for "us".

He has plans. Many plans to move our relationship to the next level. And yes i am all for it. I want it as badly as he does. Long distance is never any fun. Phone calls, text messages, IM's, they just do not replace the touch, the feeling of his presence, they are simply the bread crumbs, but certainly not the meal. And although he is only 4 hours away, at times it seems so very distant, even though we still manage to see each other at least once, if not twice a week. He is so wonderful about that!

But there are times it feels to me like i have spent the past few years "preparing" for a transition such as this in my life. De-cluttering my life, not holding on to "stuff". All in the hopes that just maybe someday i would meet my "him" and if i was fortunate enough, i would be able to live in a 24/7 without a major amount of
adjustment in my life.

But for him, whether it was an issue of not anticipating finding the "one" he was searching for, or staying very much in the moment and not looking beyond, i am not sure. Or maybe it is simply a matter of "timing". But he does have "stuff" in his life which he needs to attend to prior to us moving forward. And that old Nemesis "patience" is called upon from me once again. And patience and i, are well, very much like oil and water. Not a very good blend!

The realization that this needs to be "cleared" prior to finding room in his life for "us", is one he is well aware of and seemingly quite willing to work on. What we have in the "us" is not something that happens often, i have searched a very long time to find this, and it is without question, what i need and want! It is for me a perfect fit!

And because of the importance of that, i will hold tightly to patience with all i have within me....

100 frogs later...

Anyone that has been reading my blog knows what a difficult journey finding my "Perfect Him" has been. I have run the gambit on the type of men i have encountered over the past year...

It was the impetus to writing a blog. Some of the experiences were just too strange for me to understand, and writing this blog would help me sort things out. With each one i met, there always seemed like there was just a little something amiss, and i knew settling was not possible for me...

Finding MPH was something that at times i thought was just impossible. How many times i thought "this one is close, maybe it will grow with time" but always inside that little voice would say "keep looking"... Once again more accurately defining what i thought was missing!

With time, i would become discouraged, questioning the reality of what i thought i needed in my life, maybe i was asking for too much?

And emotionally it was beyond difficult, especially with those that did feel there was "something" there, when i did not.

And then suddenly, when i first looked into his eyes, i could see "us" as a possibility...

But it was not without its fear...

Fear that it cannot possibly be real, there must be something i am not seeing, it just isn't possible that i have finally found what i have been looking for.

A few nights ago this is the message he sent....

"I wanted you to know that you sure do live in my thoughts. It seems that nearly every waking hour my thoughts are of you and what a beautiful and special
creature you are. My mind keeps going back to how you look at me some of the
time, touching my very soul at times seeing how you do feel about me. And I can
see it in your eyes most of the time, as I do hope that you can see in mine how
you are the most fascinating woman I have ever met. I really do hope that you can
be and are, the very last woman in my life. I know that if you are, I will try as
much as I can to show you every day just what you mean to me."

Yesterday at work, i received flowers, for no reason other than he wanted to show me i was in his thoughts... A completely new experience for me!

When you look back exactly a month ago in my blog, i was talking about the bully's i had encountered....

Things can change and change fast!

So my message here is this... Stay strong, yes there are far too many frogs and not nearly enough PH's out that... but you just never know when your paths will cross, when your eyes will meet, and in his eyes you will see ... the one!

Taking time.....

Stepping back ...

is not the same as walking away.

Stepping back is simply

moving at a much slower pace...

Watching and waiting.

This Man holds a piece of my heart

one i have eagerly given...

And time is always a good thing!

lost...

A crazy few days to say the least.

And through all the craziness,

all the bumps in the road,

i am reminded once again

of how very much i detest being

a Masterless submissive...

There are times when friends and family

just cannot fill the void that HE can.

And as tough and strong as i think i am,

certain things come up to just slap me back to reality

i am not so tough.....

i am not "that" strong...

that i can just go through life "handling" everything

all the time

with ease and control...

i miss having that "Master" so very much

and although he didn't always have the answers

or the quick remedies

i always knew

he was always there...

And that i was not alone...

i so miss that...

maybe....

Life is returning to normal once again.

The profiles, back up and running.

The munch is coming this week end, and my "single" reservation placed.

I doubt i will stay for long.

But i am going anyway...

It is a play party and although i do not play,

I dream...

I remember....

It reinforces the search.


And although the search seems to be never ending,


I won't quit.


I won't settle,


i will not stop defining my needs and wants...


No i will never stop dreaming...


He is out there some where...


defining his needs, his wants...


Holding on to his dreams...


And who knows, maybe this weekend...


Our paths with cross...

leaving tizzy behind

Idealism...

I have this image of perfection...

Of thinking that everything will be in pristine order...

Just fall perfectly within the mold.

And when something doesn't fit exactly right into that mold, i transport into "Tizzy" mode.

And of course being that patience and i are contrary to the other,

It creates a particularly difficult challenge for Him (yes i need to come up with a name or something of designation for the significant one)

Patience he has, thus far, thankfully, although to always expect that is also unrealistic.

In visiting Tizzy, i miss the beauty of "right here, right now".

My worries, my insecurities...

He is not oblivious to them by any means.

He recognizes them almost immediately, and then begins the expedition.

And in a matter of a few words and a little time, the calmness returns.

He does that...

And i so need that.

Tick Tock.....

I am approaching a full year on that dreadful site Collar me.

I imagine i have over that year, spoke with a few hundred men.

All very different in their "vision" of what they seek.

And for me, things have become more defined, based on my conversations, the feelings instilled in those conversations, and the realization of the meaning behind those feelings.

Viewing this life under a microscope, adjusting this, tweaking that.

The basic foundation remains unchanged.

Control.

For me, that is the cornerstone.

Everything revolves around that.

Can he handle it, is he capable, am i safe in doing so...

Those questions and answers always swirling through my mind.

Never an easy task.

They require time to look deep, and more importantly, patience to insure the answers are correct.

Time i feel i have, but patience....