What to do with the Collar?

The last night we spent together said it all!

Things were off and i knew it, i felt it deep inside, but pushed it away, wanting it better, knowing it could be if he would just take the reins, embrace what he had and be happy with that!

But promises made, turned to promises broken!

If there is one key in this lifestyle, it is TRUST!

Without it, no doors will open! The walls will remain standing! There is no half way in trust...It is yes or no, black or white, stop or go!

If you have read my blog for the past few months, you know there was another in MPH's life. She was a former from last year, according to him!

According to her, she was his fiance!

On July 22nd, he told me 2 weeks tops and she would be gone!

So cut to 3 weeks ago, MPH moved from 4 hours away to live with his lil slut, namely me! Yes he pulled up stakes, quit his job there, found another here and we have been living 24/7 since!

Things started beautifully!

I was as happy as could be, couldn't imagine being happier!

Yes, i knew she was still in his life, but i dealt with it, same as one would with a big zit right smack on their face! You know it will go away eventually, but each time you look in the mirror, the question eats at your soul, why does it not leave?
You try every miracle cream on the planet, but still, it is there! Looking right back in the mirror, at you! Your hostility grows...

(yes i like the comparison too!)

Anyway, last week i wouldn't give up my pin number for my ATM card! And it wasn't really that which bothered MPH, but what i said in refusing the number, i said
"the trust isn't quite there yet". He was shocked! How could i not trust him yet?

I explained he had given me his word, she would be gone!

And she wasn't gone, she was still there every single night around 10 pm for that good night call! Yes we are cuddled up in bed, when he needs to "go outside for the call". Heaven, isn't it!

Anyway, last night he scared me. i felt compelled to use the safe word! He quit, however, the fact that i needed to use it... in the past 16 years i have never used a safe word until last night! That said everything!

Today when i returned home from work, there was a note, and he had moved out!

He says he is going to fix the situation and will contact me when it is done!

To me it was cowardly!

It is unforgivable!

So just what do i do with this collar on my neck?

The only communication we have had, was that question via text!

His response:

"Do what you want and i will let you know when she is out of my life, then you can let me know if you can learn to trust me!"

So tell me my friends... what do i do with my collar?

A. keep it on, he will come back, but do i really want him back?
B. Tuck it neatly into the jewelry box until he returns...but no i don't think i want him back...
C. Craigs list!
or ...
D. break it up into a hundred pieces and toss it away, just as he has done...

I just don't know!

Holding my breath.....

Fear....

It can hold us tight in its grip.

It has the potential to change us, mold us to its liking.

For me, i try to resist most fears, or to face them head on...

Sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't!

Spiders, snakes and apparently frogs....

Well, not much i can do about those fears!

But other ones, become fears because they are the unknown...

And those i tend to face!

I learn all i can in my attempt to confront them.

When MPH and i initially began speaking, it became quite clear that
breath control was something he rather enjoyed.

For me, i had no experience with it, so it became the unknown, a fear...

Part of this "letting go" is placing my trust in Him, trusting that he will not allow harm to come any where near His toy...

He began slowly....

Gripping my throat tightly, then release....

Then again, a bit longer, release...

The look on his face as he controlled what breath i took, or didn't take....

Yes he enjoys this....

It was obvious!

And with that look, the one that made his eyes sparkle, i felt no fear...

i surrendered my air to him...

his Dominance reinforced,

my submission intensified

The unknown confronted...

The fear, gone!

lucidity...

Last week i stumbled...

I looked at the path ahead, i got scared and jumped off!

i allowed myself to go to a place uninvited...

But the past few days he was here

Realigning our path, reinforcing our destination...

eliminating my apprehension.

Insuring no doubts, no unresolved feelings were hidden underneath the facade.

His commitment to us absolute!

He made that clear.

We are on track ...

The distraction minor in comparison...

He moved away from her last December

But left pieces of himself behind

Pieces... like old photos of his childhood, mementos of days past...

she refuses to let go of those things he holds close.

Denying him access.

He did try...

And i do so understand wanting those things.

Things which can never be replaced.

But his willingness to leave them with her, in lieu of us...

That speaks for him.

Of course neither of us wants that,

but the fact that the option is there in his mind

helps to ease my mind, my insecurities!

And if that path should become unclear again,

i need only to say so to him.

And he will do what he needs to do to keep us aligned.

It is trust in him, and in his commitment to us...

And i do!

On being a babbling brook...

After a few wonderful days with MPH, the chemistry is still there and very Hot!

The initial "intensity" is always a question, can it sustain, is it real...

That question was answered with a resounding Yes!

The spark has not faded in the least, and in getting to know each other,

I realize he is not a one act show,

each time we are together,

i see more of who he truly is inside

and in this view,

i feel safe, i feel wanted, i feel owned.

And although i will not be adding begging to my repertoire any time too soon,

he was wonderfully forgiving (for about 12 seconds) when i started the giggling...

of course he quickly cut the giggling short,

owww.... ok no more giggling...

But the effort was appreciated, and the promise made that i will indeed

seriously (um... without the giggles) work on it!

To actually say what it is i really and truly want,

seems to be such a difficult task for me.

He really isn't after rehearsed and contrived,

He wants it to come naturally,

the babbling brook...

but its like a road block somewhere in between my mind and my voice,

what i want at the time is clearly in my mind,

but voicing it, actually saying the words

seems to be just too difficult

at that particular time...

But whatever the case, what ever the cause,

the man holds my heart,

gripping it tight in his hands, as he tenderly caresses it.

And the girl,

she just loves the way he is holding it,

protecting it,

caring for it,

and making it dance...

The voice inside...

Aisha made a comment on my post yesterday that had me thinking... about trusting in ourselves. Trusting that we ourselves know what we need. And i think for the most part we do, we know the basic outline. And for each of us, that outline may vary.  But we also need to listen to our gut, our instincts, that little voice inside!

Recently   SBF  wrote about how she is not "cut out" to be a slave. And i can relate exactly to what she was saying. However, things may change in time, and being open to the possibility of change, is important.

For myself, there are times i think i need a Man to take control all the time, or even the majority of the time, but when i find one who "is that way", i run the other direction. Fear can be a thrilling emotion or it can also be debilitating.

Fear can keep us suppressed, stifle our growth.

I find i have a difficult time just throwing myself blindly forward. I need clear lines. It is not just within the context of a D/s relationship, my life is that way as well. I need to know the direction i am traveling. Flying by the "seat of my pants" is never a comfortable option for me. I like to be organized, to have order.

But "staying safe" and knowing, or "thinking" i know what i need or want, may not always be the best thing for me. Sticking my foot out and over that line in the sand, moving out of the safe zone, allows me release, to grow, and experience things i may have never experienced had i always stayed "safe".

In D/s, what it always comes down to, is him. Our desire to place a well deserved "trust" into his hands. Knowing that in doing so, we will experience new things, things we may have always thought we did not want or like, things outside our comfort zone, but always knowing that with him, we are safe. We may feel fear, but there are times we may need to embrace that fear, and just trust!

Trusting him, yes that is important, but it is also important that we trust ourselves and the decision we have made to place our trust in "him". That voice inside that says yes he is worthy, yes he is capable. Sometimes it may work out and sometimes it may not, but in doing so, we have grown!

The not so comfortable zone...

Lately i have been asking myself, where exactly is "my" comfort zone.

I know it is imperative for me to be pushed, to find where the comfort zone ends and the "un" comfortable zone begins.

It is not as exact as drawing a line in the sand and saying i will stay over here. It is finding that place where you know nothing bad can happen. Feeling safe is just one of those things that i need. Where that line is, depends completely on the level of trust.

Trust is never something you can force...it evolves! There is no timetable, no predictability factor, it builds with time. It is never easy, at least not with me.
Maybe it is due to the "let downs" i have experienced in my life, i honestly do not know. I know i have become hardened. At times there are questions nagging at me, things i need to know prior to moving forward, a roadblock so to speak. I can not just "let go" of those questions, of those feelings that just maybe, i am not safe.

Those nagging questions need answers, complete and honest answers! Without those answers my only option is to step back, to go into a "protective" mode.

So now, unfortunately, i have hit a roadblock. I have found that uncomfortable zone, and I am stepping back!

The natural flow...

The core of a D/s relationship for me

has nothing to do with the sex...

okay well maybe not...

nothing....

But it goes so far beyond the sex.

For me, i need to look deep inside him,

to know him, really know him....

how his mind works, what is in his heart...

what he deems as important in his life...

the good and the not so good...

before i can determine his ability to handle the "power" of us.

Those things in his mind, his heart

need to be in tune....

with what is in my mind and in my heart.

Therein lies the element of trust.

When you trust that he wants what you want

that he needs what you need,

and not simply in regard to sex,

but rather in life as a whole...

That is the point when the light turns on

that you know,

yes he is capable,

yes he is worthy.

The need to let go

of all that you hold close

suddenly without force,

is "naturally" his...

as smoothly as that.

Its not really a decision

it just simply... is!

To get to that point takes time...

it takes deep explorations of thoughts,

of feelings...

It takes communication in the rawest form.

i need for him to open up,

to show me those thoughts, those feelings...

Show me who he is...

i need to feel safe

to let go of the doubts, the questions....

to feel the flow is as smooth and "natural"

as it was meant to be...

the Hard Knocks...

Every experience, good or bad, contains within it a lesson.

"Tell me what your vision of 24/7 would be?"

To me, this is an important question, and if properly answered, could have saved us both some anguish.

But it did not get answered, until later, until after the meeting.

And when it was finally answered, it did not sit well with me.

It showed me his vision, was not my vision.

My vision is simple, so very simple...

Dauntless Vitality said it wonderfully (Yes he always does) in his post last Sunday:

"it is about mutual trust and respect. It has an element of one being in control and the other submitting to that control. Yet, at the same time it is about mutual love, admiration and adoration."

That is my vision! It seems so simple... Almost too simple...

So one of my lessons is this:

If the question is too difficult to answer...

than i am too difficult to handle...

Unless of course he reads this blog first,

And "opts" to hide his true motivations.

Then i am just screwed...

leaving tizzy behind

Idealism...

I have this image of perfection...

Of thinking that everything will be in pristine order...

Just fall perfectly within the mold.

And when something doesn't fit exactly right into that mold, i transport into "Tizzy" mode.

And of course being that patience and i are contrary to the other,

It creates a particularly difficult challenge for Him (yes i need to come up with a name or something of designation for the significant one)

Patience he has, thus far, thankfully, although to always expect that is also unrealistic.

In visiting Tizzy, i miss the beauty of "right here, right now".

My worries, my insecurities...

He is not oblivious to them by any means.

He recognizes them almost immediately, and then begins the expedition.

And in a matter of a few words and a little time, the calmness returns.

He does that...

And i so need that.

On his Path...

To set goals for oneself, clarity of that goal in all aspects, is essential.

I have for the past few years had a goal. I see clearly the purpose.

But the path of getting to that point, has caused me to put my life in to a type of "holding" pattern.

The unknown portion of that path, causes a type of stagnation. Not in the mental sense at all, this blog assures that will not happen.

But in the basics. The everyday "living" part. Not knowing where the path may lead me, keeps the desire to "change" anything in the basics, at a minimal.

My focus is not on the day to day basics, but rather in the destination.

Until the path is found, until i place that foot on that path, the goal remains the destination.

The path is one which i have no control other than to decide which path i will place my foot on and when i let go. Always cognizant of the destination, the goal.

I do not wish to see the path with all clarity, as He says, that would be too "safe", the ride too predictable, and that is not at all what "inspires" this girl.

But the destination, yes that needs to be clear and concise.

Reaching within to find the trust, to place that foot on that path, his path, to place the destination into his hands, our destination, that is the challenge, the purpose, and the beauty in its entirety.

where is that blindfold....

The desire to play, just play, with no strings, no expectations is a feeling that never stops at my door step.

When i throw myself into something, its more like a dive off a cliff.

Once i let go, there is no stopping. It is a complete free fall.

Maybe its a birth defect, i honestly do not know, but i have always been that way, and at this age i imagine it will never change.

It is not just in the lifestyle, it is everything i do, every relationship i enter.

Nothing is half assed. I see it through to completion, or until i hit the big brick wall.

And it takes a lot of bruises to get me to say "uncle" and walk away.

I imagine that is why i walk so carefully.

Why each possible move is considered before hand, each possible scenario replayed.

And sometimes it would just be better to be shoved off that cliff, but i am too careful for that.

Certainly i miss out on a lot, this all or nothing mindset holds me back from experiencing a great deal.

However, i am powerless to change it.

To look at it as anything less than a "protective mechanism" would be wrong.

If only i could put the blind fold on and jump...

The hearts venture..

I honestly do not think it is that difficult.

Understanding what most submissive women need.

Granted i say "most".

There are always exceptions.

I am no exception.

I protect my heart fiercely.

I am not unlike most submissive women, strong yet extremely fragile.

I run with my heart in hand, hoping not to stumble and fall.

I define the path, the speed at which i run, and how tightly or loosely i hold that heart.

If the path looks crowded, or convoluted, my grasp is tighter, more focused.

I am not careless with my heart, often finding myself encasing that heart with an endless amount of determination and fortitude.

It is not even remotely possible for this girl to spread a little here and a little there.

If i offer my heart, it is fully and completely, without restraint.

It is in doing so, in letting go of that heart, that my submission can flourish, that my freedom is found.

It is trust, knowing that you will hold it with the same care, the same reverence as i.

You will protect it fiercely as well, always mindful of the delicateness in which it exist, and the reasoning behind why it was offered.

Back to Basics...

Considering how very difficult this search has been, i am actually happy about all the realizations i have confronted.

There have been times that i have thought, this is just too tough, and i do not want to do it anymore.

It is difficult because it is also consuming. Extremely consuming.

But i am also driven.

I know what it can be like when it is good.

When you find that connection that works, there is very little on this earth that can complete you so.

I have missed that connection in my life. It leaves a void that nothing else can even remotely fill.

I miss having the "Daddy" to call when something goes awry or is causing me to question things.

I have friends that i can talk to, but its not the same.

I listen to them, but only half hearted do i trust in what they say.

Yes it is a matter of trust.

When you trust another completely, when you know without a doubt that they do have your very best interest totally at the fore thought of their mind, you listen, and you believe in their guidance, their knowledge of the best decision or choice is unquestionable. It is freeing!

That is what i miss the most.

To find that, is the driving force in this search.

But trust is difficult, it is a gradual build. You can never "expect" it, or demand it be there. When you do find it, you sprinkle a little here and a bit there and see what happens. If it feels good you add a bit more, if not, you withdraw or sometimes simply abandon it altogether and move on.

It is nice when it is there with no effort.

When you suddenly realize, this person knows, this person truly cares, with no strings, it is there.

on being owned...

It is a good thing to allow myself to "bare" it all on this site. How can it not be.

I do not hide this site, i stand here naked, my mind is open and in full view.

If i am too prideful to say what i feel, or for that matter what i am, then what would be the purpose of doing this in the first place.

Its about tearing down walls, walls that are used as a place to hide, a place of safety. Often it takes courage to allow strangers access. Often it can be humbling, and for me that is something i need. It allows me growth. And for the "good girl" that is a necessity.

I think back to the times when i was paraded in front of people naked at a lifestyle event, or the many times R would tie me to the St Andrews cross at the munch, or plant me on the sybian. There is something about hitting sub space in front of strangers that is very freeing.

It wasn't just the aspect of public humiliation, more importantly, it was about him, about the surrender, the letting go, about the trust.

It was looking at his eyes, and seeing how very proud he was, and knowing at that moment, he was where he wanted to be as well!

The phone call...

Its a funky Friday for this girl. I am feeling as if i am having an internal fight within my gut. Never a good feeling! And so many times i have kicked myself for not listening to that feeling, for checking it off as "silly".

But the feeling is undeniably there. And i know the cause, i just do not know the solution.

Well not true, i do know the solution.

I know what i would tell a friend if they had this feeling.

"Go with your gut" There is a reason it is signaling you. Listen to it! It is a flag, a large RED flag.

So what brought this feeling? Something silly, as is the course for this one.
After talking online for almost 6 weeks now, JS finally called yesterday. Yes i heard his voice for the first time. No it wasn't the voice that planted the flag, he has a wonderful voice. It was the "restricted" that he used prior to calling. When i questioned him as to why, his response was "you may be a psycho" huh? me?


So the brakes have been pushed, the hand is on the shifter, reverse is clearly in sight!