Dreams do come true....

It is truly amazing the changes our lives can experience in a very short period of time!

When I started my blog last year, I was in the midst of searching for a very special Man! Shuffling through the profiles on CM, FL and even Alt.com, hoping he was there.... somewhere in all that mess.

And as you all know, for a very long time I was only finding the frogs, some frogs were better than others, but they were none the less, not MY "Prince"!

When I met MPH for the first time, I felt something very special with him! I knew this one was different! My insides turned to putty.... I was his and I knew it!

That was six months ago...

And with time, the reality that we just "fit" became even more clear!

There were obstacles, minor, but they were there!

For the past 3 months he has worked extremely hard to show me that he is here for the long run, he cleared whatever obstacles were in our path, and has truly made "us" his focus!

He has shown me how very capable he is of being the Man, the Master I truly needed in my life! He has really stepped up to the plate!

On Thanksgiving morning, he told me to have a seat, he had something he needed to discuss with me. He got down on his knee .... and ... well ... he threw me for a loop... He asked me to marry him, to make our commitment to each other "complete" in every sense of the word!

To say I am elated, doesn't quite express the happiness i feel! Its so beyond that!

The ring... well it is just beautiful! It is him, My Perfect Him!

But first, we have this minor battle to fight, however, when that is behind us, when I can once again feel like his perfect lil princess whore, then we can make it official!

It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... The perfect pot of gold!

On Being Thankful!

When you meet someone, who by a simple glint in his eye and a smile on his face, can light your world! Your heart does its own little dance and you just know this is where you were meant to be, with this Man, this Master, the one who turns your world into a beautiful and wonderful place with each breathe you breath... You know you are owned, you are loved.....

In 1998, at age 37 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The news was devastating to say the least, I was a single mom with a 10 yr old son. To say it changed my life is putting it rather mildly. For 3 years I underwent countless surgeries and treatments. Throughout which time i continued to work and raise my son, all basically alone!

I remember hitting the 5 year mark, a major milestone, then the 10 year mark, another major one!

However, I have always remained very vigilant about changes with my body, I am quite aware of the fact that I am what is considered "high risk".

Recently the results of a blood test came back with positive markers for another type of cancer, ovarian!

And here I go again...

Only this time, things are a bit different! My son is grown and fully capable of living his life without the watchful eye of Mommy hovering over him.

And this time, oh God this time, I am not alone!

The comfort in knowing that I am not slaying this dragon alone (this time) is huge!

Sometimes the exactly right people come into our lives at exactly the right time and this is one of those times!

I have a wonderful Master who is standing by me, holding me up, giving me strength to face this, almost overly eager to take care of his lil slut ... He is truly a gift in my life!

Thank you my Love, my Life....

What to do with the Collar?

The last night we spent together said it all!

Things were off and i knew it, i felt it deep inside, but pushed it away, wanting it better, knowing it could be if he would just take the reins, embrace what he had and be happy with that!

But promises made, turned to promises broken!

If there is one key in this lifestyle, it is TRUST!

Without it, no doors will open! The walls will remain standing! There is no half way in trust...It is yes or no, black or white, stop or go!

If you have read my blog for the past few months, you know there was another in MPH's life. She was a former from last year, according to him!

According to her, she was his fiance!

On July 22nd, he told me 2 weeks tops and she would be gone!

So cut to 3 weeks ago, MPH moved from 4 hours away to live with his lil slut, namely me! Yes he pulled up stakes, quit his job there, found another here and we have been living 24/7 since!

Things started beautifully!

I was as happy as could be, couldn't imagine being happier!

Yes, i knew she was still in his life, but i dealt with it, same as one would with a big zit right smack on their face! You know it will go away eventually, but each time you look in the mirror, the question eats at your soul, why does it not leave?
You try every miracle cream on the planet, but still, it is there! Looking right back in the mirror, at you! Your hostility grows...

(yes i like the comparison too!)

Anyway, last week i wouldn't give up my pin number for my ATM card! And it wasn't really that which bothered MPH, but what i said in refusing the number, i said
"the trust isn't quite there yet". He was shocked! How could i not trust him yet?

I explained he had given me his word, she would be gone!

And she wasn't gone, she was still there every single night around 10 pm for that good night call! Yes we are cuddled up in bed, when he needs to "go outside for the call". Heaven, isn't it!

Anyway, last night he scared me. i felt compelled to use the safe word! He quit, however, the fact that i needed to use it... in the past 16 years i have never used a safe word until last night! That said everything!

Today when i returned home from work, there was a note, and he had moved out!

He says he is going to fix the situation and will contact me when it is done!

To me it was cowardly!

It is unforgivable!

So just what do i do with this collar on my neck?

The only communication we have had, was that question via text!

His response:

"Do what you want and i will let you know when she is out of my life, then you can let me know if you can learn to trust me!"

So tell me my friends... what do i do with my collar?

A. keep it on, he will come back, but do i really want him back?
B. Tuck it neatly into the jewelry box until he returns...but no i don't think i want him back...
C. Craigs list!
or ...
D. break it up into a hundred pieces and toss it away, just as he has done...

I just don't know!

Coming Home...

The call comes in...

"I want that black plug in as soon as you get home today"

Yes the dreaded black plug...

Kind of a love / hate relationship! But that's a whole different blog...

So immediately the realization hits me...

He is back!

That's the Man i have missed, i have craved so very much...

The smile carries me the rest of the way home, where i go about doing as instructed!

There was no gentleness about his tone, or his instructions...

I knew he meant business!

Shortly after i returned home, he did as well...

He did not disappoint!

He spent the next few hours using His toy, in every sense of the word...

Yes the toy is smiling, with her sore, red ass and all!

The Mirror Image...

It was a very rainy day yesterday!

So rainy, that MPH came home early from work.

He had read the blog!

We talked...

He agreed things have been "out of sorts" as of late...

Yes, he has had things on his mind lately,

He has been busy with moving, adjusting to the new place, the new job, being sick...

And yes me....

figuring me out is certainly no easy task!

He wants me to be happy, i am quite aware of that!

But when he is stressed i feel it,

and i too become stressed!

A mirror image...

And he admitted, he considered "options"

a change in the situation....

Call it temporary insanity,

but i think he forgot...

I wear his collar, the one he put on, the one i love wearing!

I am his ... completely!

I think at times he feels he is a visitor,

But i would not wear the collar of a visitor!

He is no visitor!

He is my Master, my Owner...

and i am Histoy...

in every sense of the word!

It is just a piece of paper!

Being owned...

The property of...

belonging to...

collared by...

All terms designating a non single status!

I do not consider myself in any way as being "single".

I am taken, completely and totally!

And i look at MPH, and feel he too is "spoken" for!

He is mine, just as i am his!

So last night, we are laying in bed, and out of the blue i ask him....

Do you consider yourself single?

Knowing full well the answer i would hear was "No"...

But i was wrong!

His answer was Yes!

WHAT????

Yes i was shocked, i was hurt....

Maybe it is a difference in our "understanding" of commitment!

And maybe it was due to the fact that he was not feeling well,

or that he was dosed up with cold medicine!

Yes that is it, the medicine was clouding his thinking....

So i asked again, figuring he had time to consider his answer more clearly!

But the answer remained the same...

To me commitment is a state of being!

It does not lay in the laws of the land!

He has on several occasions dared me to run down to the court house with him...

But certainly, it is far too early for that!

Granted to say one is "married" does carry a tad more weight,

but only to others on the outside looking in.

And really, they are not my concern!

But he is!

So today i am left confused, trying to understand what exactly he meant!

Feeling sky high....

When MPH finally moved in, i cleared the clothes in my closet to one side, leaving the entire other side for him. This is a difficult task for any woman. Deciding which items to keep, and which to donate to the local charitable foundations.

But for me the most difficult part of that task was determining which shoes to keep!

Yes i must confess i am indeed a shoe whore...

I love high heels!

And over the years i have learned to curb the habit of constant shoe shopping...

Often i go and window shop only, not actually purchasing the shoes, but rather admiring their lines, trying them on, taking a few steps and putting them back on the shelf.

It felt at times like saying good bye to a dear old friend, shed a few tears, then walk away not daring to look back...

But on the official day of MPH's big move in, he came bearing gifts....

One of those gifts in the form of a 7" heel...

And when i put them on, the 5'4" slut suddenly became almost as tall as her 6' tall Master...

The reality is....

Things are settling in!

After being on my own for the past twenty some years, my fears of actually living with a Man once again have calmed.

Of course, the Man makes the difference!

MPH is very easy to live with!

He is not demanding or difficult to be with in any way!

Our work schedules vary enough that we are not constantly in each others way!

But to say i have no worries...

well, that would not be quite right!

I do worry that he may become bored, that the element of excitement we had by being together just a few nights a week, would some how change the dynamic that is us.

That intensity, when we knew we only had a limited amount of time together, that is seemingly different now.

Not a bad different, just different!

There is still intensity, but it is in a way, a much more subdued intensity!

I am still his slut, he is still my Master...

That will never change!

The way he makes me feel... safe, loved and thoroughly owned

that too remains unchanged!

And really, at the end of the day, what else matters....

This place....

Waking up, next to him, knowing ...

He is not leaving, going back to "his" place...

MPH is home!

His arms wrap around me as my eyes begin to open,

he pulls me into him,

Holding me tighter,

as he takes what is his to take.

And i wonder....

Does Life get any better?

Yes i am....

deliriously happy!

A place i never thought i would be...

and a place i never want to leave!

This journey,

and all i have gone through along the way,

to get to "just this place"

Now i know,

it was all soooooo worth it!

And so the new journey begins....

Today begins a new journey!

Life in 24/7...

It is what i have wanted for a very long time...

He is what i have needed for a very long time!

I do know that

But yes i am nervous, and scared, and excited, and very much in love!

Can i handle it or will it be too much?

Am i ready?

Is he?

The lights dim,

the music begins

and this new life, this new way

is born...

No turning back...

Only moving forward!

Never stop dreaming....

My vacation is over, Master has returned to his home, and life is right where i left it a week ago.

Except...

I feel good! Like really good... about him, about us, about life...

There is just a wave of silly happiness around me and i am soaking it all up!

Seven days with him and i didn't get bored or antsy or agitated, i had no desire to flee, to get far away from him. Just perfectly happy with his arms around me, keeping me safe and secure, or watching him from across the room as his focus was directed to something other than his toy, or simply at his feet watching his eyes smile as he planned his next onslaught of his toy...

That in itself is something i thought i would never find.... I was wrong, very wrong....

And as i was catching up in Blogland, i read about the week that   SBF  had and her wannabee suitors on CM, and i am so thankful that those days are far far behind me.  But remember, MPH and i would not have met had it not been for CM, so somewhere in that whole mess of wannabees or couldabeens, there may just be the "One" who can sweep you off your feet, and offer you everything in life you have ever dared to dream of...

Just don't stop dreaming....

Cuz ya know, they do come true....

home safe and sound....

We survived!

Seven wonderful days together and

MPH hasn't admitted to being bored with me yet!

The girl is beyond happy and content!

What a learning experience this trip has been for me!

I have learned so very much about MPH, very important details...

I discovered the extent my Master enjoys driving in a car with his slave,
naked and on display...

I did finally see what the inside of those peep booths look like, and how very little room there is... ummm ... to move around...

And how well my Master can spank and drive both at the same time...

But i noticed something very significant about myself in the process.

I feel owned....

The knowing that i belong to him never far from my mind, or his!

Even when meeting his family,

I didn't feel like the girlfriend, or the booty call...

He was always aware of me and what i was feeling, and he cared, really cared that all was good!

And although we didn't come home with any new tats...

(Yes he wants his slave marked)

The idea is closer than it was before the trip.

Just the details remain unresolved,

the wording, the location, etc

for now at least...

The 7 day test...

I have been a good girl all week!

Yep, i have!

And there is a reason....

A huge test is on the horizon!

Seven days alone with MPH!

I am a bundle of excitement and of fear....

Fear of so much sex, um not just sex, MPH sex....

Hot, intense, raw passionate sex...

With the distance between us, we do not always have much time together.

Usually it is just a few days.

But he always leaves me knowing he has used me well.

Subtle little reminders, a mark here and there, a sore body part here and always there!

Plus, he has assigned me a "packing list"!

Restraints, rope, gag, plugs including the two that just make me wince upon sight...

And then of course a slut outfit, including a pair of 6" Fuck me shoes,

you know the ones...

they look so good, just don't expect me to walk in them...

Yes, fear and excitement!

But even though the blog may be a bit quiet, rest assured, the toy will not be...

She will be screaming and growling and purring and laughing and crying and most

certainly,....

she will be begging and pleading...

And hopefully

he will remember what a sweet little slave i have been all week...

smiles...

Dreams are good to have aren't they?

Holding my breath.....

Fear....

It can hold us tight in its grip.

It has the potential to change us, mold us to its liking.

For me, i try to resist most fears, or to face them head on...

Sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't!

Spiders, snakes and apparently frogs....

Well, not much i can do about those fears!

But other ones, become fears because they are the unknown...

And those i tend to face!

I learn all i can in my attempt to confront them.

When MPH and i initially began speaking, it became quite clear that
breath control was something he rather enjoyed.

For me, i had no experience with it, so it became the unknown, a fear...

Part of this "letting go" is placing my trust in Him, trusting that he will not allow harm to come any where near His toy...

He began slowly....

Gripping my throat tightly, then release....

Then again, a bit longer, release...

The look on his face as he controlled what breath i took, or didn't take....

Yes he enjoys this....

It was obvious!

And with that look, the one that made his eyes sparkle, i felt no fear...

i surrendered my air to him...

his Dominance reinforced,

my submission intensified

The unknown confronted...

The fear, gone!

Just as it should be.....

i try not to anticipate MPH, i think i have discovered that it is futile to attempt!

A very good thing most assuredly ...

Keeping me guessing is one way to keep my interest peaked!

Two days ago, as we were speaking on the phone....

(he was giving me masturbation instructions, telling me which plug i needed next)

i turned around to find him standing in my bedroom!

That sudden feeling of i am being watched, startling at first,

then elation!

Our earlier conversations, were all centered around the future,

the next step...

already my mind was in a place of missing him, needing to feel him near.

And there he was, standing behind me, ready to pounce his prey!

And pounce he did and spank, and bite, and fuck, and well you got it...

for hours...

until his lil slut was thoroughly reminded of what being owned truly entails!

He is really quite demanding of his slut

At times i feel i cannot give anymore, so he proceeds to take...

and take some more....

it is then that i realize how truly owned i am.

He can take all he needs or wants

any way he needs or wants

at any time he needs or wants...

It is his!

That is "this thing we do"...

It is not mine to possess, to control in any form or fashion!

It was before i met him...

But now, it belongs, i belong...

completely to him!

Just as it should be!

lucidity...

Last week i stumbled...

I looked at the path ahead, i got scared and jumped off!

i allowed myself to go to a place uninvited...

But the past few days he was here

Realigning our path, reinforcing our destination...

eliminating my apprehension.

Insuring no doubts, no unresolved feelings were hidden underneath the facade.

His commitment to us absolute!

He made that clear.

We are on track ...

The distraction minor in comparison...

He moved away from her last December

But left pieces of himself behind

Pieces... like old photos of his childhood, mementos of days past...

she refuses to let go of those things he holds close.

Denying him access.

He did try...

And i do so understand wanting those things.

Things which can never be replaced.

But his willingness to leave them with her, in lieu of us...

That speaks for him.

Of course neither of us wants that,

but the fact that the option is there in his mind

helps to ease my mind, my insecurities!

And if that path should become unclear again,

i need only to say so to him.

And he will do what he needs to do to keep us aligned.

It is trust in him, and in his commitment to us...

And i do!

The meaning of a collar!

We talked...

He is upset that i walked away without talking it over with him first.

I can't blame him for that.

he is right!

I did feel at the time,

that i talked about it for weeks leading up to it...

Like i was screaming it!

But a collar

it means not walking away...

it means talking and working it out

and if working it out is impossible

then he will take the collar off...

i understand this!

A collar means more than that...

it is a binding of two souls

into one....

It is not to be treated as an accessory...

a piece of glitz

to shine and sparkle in the light of day only

For even in the darkest of times,

the collar

and what it represents does not change...

The issue?

It will change, it will be gone, it is not forever!

a week, maybe two...

But the collar, it has no end, only a beginning

a new way

a new life

and i forgot that...

i took it for granted...

And for that i am sorry...

My collar is back

and never will i be the one to remove it again...

a million little pieces...

Sometimes life seems so simple, so easy....

But it just isn't!

As i have mentioned in about 20 past blogs, patience and i, well we are polar opposites! It avoids me like the plaque! And apparently its absence in my life, has taken its toll on me!

And maybe, i honestly do not know, but just maybe, the past relationship
he was in was over. But, for me, it was not over enough!

I really have tried to be patient, to be tolerant, to push those "ugly" feelings to the side, unsuccessfully!

Two calls to Her in just a few hours, well that pushed the buttons, then the rush out the door in the morning, the final straw!

The pain of that moment was just too much...

And yes my heart is broken into a million little pieces!

But i know it is the right thing to do, to walk away, to let him figure it out!

If he comes back to me without her in his life, i will welcome him with open arms, but i can't "expect" it, i can't wait for it to sort itself out!

It is far too painful...

This man brought something very special to my life, and i can only hope he can figure it out!

Speaking up! Well kinda...

I have changed through the years.

Most of those changes for the better...

At least, i think so!

In my marriage, i went weeks with no sex, and never did i utter the words

"Fuck me, just take me right here, right now"

No, I was a good girl!

Never would i consider saying what was truly in my thoughts...

And in my previous D/s relationship....

when things would start feeling off kilter...

Never would i utter a word of dissatisfaction!

I would just ignore the feeling....

And now, maybe it is because of the importance of this relationship to me

or maybe it is because of the lessons i have learned through the years,

Or just maybe it is "Him"...

I tend to say what is on my mind,

never intending it to be a complaint of any sort,

But more of a "this is how i am feeling"...

This relationship is, in my eyes,

what i have searched for, what i have needed for a very long time.

Always hoping for, but never really certain it was possible!

So when something is on my mind, it finds a way to my lips...

And sometimes i think i confuse him.

I know that often i speak in riddles never really saying what i mean...

But when we are together,

everything is intense,

heightened!

And of course that is not a bad thing by any means...

until it wears off!

And i am here

and he is there...

Then it just becomes, well kind of difficult...

I have never been such a needy woman before.

But he does that to me

and i am not really certain how to handle that within myself!

In the past i have managed to stifle my needs, to hide them, to disregard them!

When i am with him, my needs are met!

That in itself is new to me!

But then we part...

And in a few days

after all the intensity dissipates...

My mind craves...

My "need" becomes over powering...

and when i try to deal with it...

I feel unequipped...

I can't seem to explain it

even now the words aren't there!

But "it" is...

Until tomorrow anyway...

when i see him, all will be wonderful!

Such a vicious circle!

Here in the present...

There are times i look at you, and i know, you are not here....

But i wonder where exactly is that mind

when it leaves me...

where does it wander off to?

I see the distance in your eyes

i want so bad to just reach in

and pull you back...

But i know

only you can do that

while i wait

helpless and full of need!

Wanting is not enough...

my need and your need

yes they are the same

but on the opposite ends of the spectrum...

i knew you needed to go there

to resolve old issues

and knowing you are doing just that

makes it well, not easier!

And patience and i

we are old foes...

never really walking the same path,

at the same time.

i will try to be patient

to show you

how very much this means to me

how very much i need this

i need you

to be here

really here

not just in body

but in mind and soul

as i am for you...