Just as it should be.....

i try not to anticipate MPH, i think i have discovered that it is futile to attempt!

A very good thing most assuredly ...

Keeping me guessing is one way to keep my interest peaked!

Two days ago, as we were speaking on the phone....

(he was giving me masturbation instructions, telling me which plug i needed next)

i turned around to find him standing in my bedroom!

That sudden feeling of i am being watched, startling at first,

then elation!

Our earlier conversations, were all centered around the future,

the next step...

already my mind was in a place of missing him, needing to feel him near.

And there he was, standing behind me, ready to pounce his prey!

And pounce he did and spank, and bite, and fuck, and well you got it...

for hours...

until his lil slut was thoroughly reminded of what being owned truly entails!

He is really quite demanding of his slut

At times i feel i cannot give anymore, so he proceeds to take...

and take some more....

it is then that i realize how truly owned i am.

He can take all he needs or wants

any way he needs or wants

at any time he needs or wants...

It is his!

That is "this thing we do"...

It is not mine to possess, to control in any form or fashion!

It was before i met him...

But now, it belongs, i belong...

completely to him!

Just as it should be!

lucidity...

Last week i stumbled...

I looked at the path ahead, i got scared and jumped off!

i allowed myself to go to a place uninvited...

But the past few days he was here

Realigning our path, reinforcing our destination...

eliminating my apprehension.

Insuring no doubts, no unresolved feelings were hidden underneath the facade.

His commitment to us absolute!

He made that clear.

We are on track ...

The distraction minor in comparison...

He moved away from her last December

But left pieces of himself behind

Pieces... like old photos of his childhood, mementos of days past...

she refuses to let go of those things he holds close.

Denying him access.

He did try...

And i do so understand wanting those things.

Things which can never be replaced.

But his willingness to leave them with her, in lieu of us...

That speaks for him.

Of course neither of us wants that,

but the fact that the option is there in his mind

helps to ease my mind, my insecurities!

And if that path should become unclear again,

i need only to say so to him.

And he will do what he needs to do to keep us aligned.

It is trust in him, and in his commitment to us...

And i do!

good bye Amy.

How very sad and tragic! 

She was a beautiful woman, an awesome voice and a very hurting soul!

I do not know much about her, i am really not the type to go search info

on Celebrities, but she always caught  my attention!  

She was odd, yet her unmistakable uniqueness  was charismatic!

Even the first time i saw her i was drawn to her pain!

She wore it most innocently...

I see a tremendous amount of women in this lifestyle

with that same characteristic!

But then i may just start getting philosophical, and well thats not any fun!

So i will say to those who carry burdens in their life...

Let it go, find a way to

just let it go...

We get just one life

and to feel all that weight, is just not worth the price!

The meaning of a collar!

We talked...

He is upset that i walked away without talking it over with him first.

I can't blame him for that.

he is right!

I did feel at the time,

that i talked about it for weeks leading up to it...

Like i was screaming it!

But a collar

it means not walking away...

it means talking and working it out

and if working it out is impossible

then he will take the collar off...

i understand this!

A collar means more than that...

it is a binding of two souls

into one....

It is not to be treated as an accessory...

a piece of glitz

to shine and sparkle in the light of day only

For even in the darkest of times,

the collar

and what it represents does not change...

The issue?

It will change, it will be gone, it is not forever!

a week, maybe two...

But the collar, it has no end, only a beginning

a new way

a new life

and i forgot that...

i took it for granted...

And for that i am sorry...

My collar is back

and never will i be the one to remove it again...

Someday...

He doesn't get it....

He doesn't understand why it hurts...

or even that it does hurt!

He thinks i made a mistake

by giving up on us!

I certainly did not want to give up...

I thought he was it!

The One....

MPH

But there is only room for one

and apparently he is a package deal!

He said yesterday

That he won't be back...

And that hurts....

The loss of hope!

But i can be strong

when pushed....

so i will push

and i will get through it...

And someday it will not hurt anymore!

But today it seems as if that "someday" is such a long way away...

a million little pieces...

Sometimes life seems so simple, so easy....

But it just isn't!

As i have mentioned in about 20 past blogs, patience and i, well we are polar opposites! It avoids me like the plaque! And apparently its absence in my life, has taken its toll on me!

And maybe, i honestly do not know, but just maybe, the past relationship
he was in was over. But, for me, it was not over enough!

I really have tried to be patient, to be tolerant, to push those "ugly" feelings to the side, unsuccessfully!

Two calls to Her in just a few hours, well that pushed the buttons, then the rush out the door in the morning, the final straw!

The pain of that moment was just too much...

And yes my heart is broken into a million little pieces!

But i know it is the right thing to do, to walk away, to let him figure it out!

If he comes back to me without her in his life, i will welcome him with open arms, but i can't "expect" it, i can't wait for it to sort itself out!

It is far too painful...

This man brought something very special to my life, and i can only hope he can figure it out!

Speaking up! Well kinda...

I have changed through the years.

Most of those changes for the better...

At least, i think so!

In my marriage, i went weeks with no sex, and never did i utter the words

"Fuck me, just take me right here, right now"

No, I was a good girl!

Never would i consider saying what was truly in my thoughts...

And in my previous D/s relationship....

when things would start feeling off kilter...

Never would i utter a word of dissatisfaction!

I would just ignore the feeling....

And now, maybe it is because of the importance of this relationship to me

or maybe it is because of the lessons i have learned through the years,

Or just maybe it is "Him"...

I tend to say what is on my mind,

never intending it to be a complaint of any sort,

But more of a "this is how i am feeling"...

This relationship is, in my eyes,

what i have searched for, what i have needed for a very long time.

Always hoping for, but never really certain it was possible!

So when something is on my mind, it finds a way to my lips...

And sometimes i think i confuse him.

I know that often i speak in riddles never really saying what i mean...

But when we are together,

everything is intense,

heightened!

And of course that is not a bad thing by any means...

until it wears off!

And i am here

and he is there...

Then it just becomes, well kind of difficult...

I have never been such a needy woman before.

But he does that to me

and i am not really certain how to handle that within myself!

In the past i have managed to stifle my needs, to hide them, to disregard them!

When i am with him, my needs are met!

That in itself is new to me!

But then we part...

And in a few days

after all the intensity dissipates...

My mind craves...

My "need" becomes over powering...

and when i try to deal with it...

I feel unequipped...

I can't seem to explain it

even now the words aren't there!

But "it" is...

Until tomorrow anyway...

when i see him, all will be wonderful!

Such a vicious circle!

Here in the present...

There are times i look at you, and i know, you are not here....

But i wonder where exactly is that mind

when it leaves me...

where does it wander off to?

I see the distance in your eyes

i want so bad to just reach in

and pull you back...

But i know

only you can do that

while i wait

helpless and full of need!

Wanting is not enough...

my need and your need

yes they are the same

but on the opposite ends of the spectrum...

i knew you needed to go there

to resolve old issues

and knowing you are doing just that

makes it well, not easier!

And patience and i

we are old foes...

never really walking the same path,

at the same time.

i will try to be patient

to show you

how very much this means to me

how very much i need this

i need you

to be here

really here

not just in body

but in mind and soul

as i am for you...

chasing frogs...

i wake up and peek at the clock through my half opened eyes, "ah good i slept til 6 am, much later than normal!" It is going to be a good day!

I walk out to my kitchen to make my cup of coffee when out of the corner of my eye i see an image. I look up and sprawled across my kitchen ceiling, is something well.... different.

Of course i am half blind without my contacts or glasses, so i rush back to my bedroom to retrieve my glasses, then run back to the kitchen.

Hmmm nothing there!

But i am certain i saw something up there.

So i resume my coffee fetching. watching every nook and cranny closely....

But when i return for cup #2, up on the very top of my cupboard i spot the beady
little eyes staring back at me.

After realizing that the screaming i was doing was basically pointless...
some sort of sanity is slowly returning and i see it is just a frog, a silly little harmless frog!

Thoughts race through my mind, how do i get it OUT!

I considered the broom, but no, i could squish it and i wouldn't want to do that!

ohhhh i thought, maybe the fan duster, thats soft and won't hurt it, but it may only knock it off the cupboard ... then what?

hmmm Master lives 4 hours away, no i guess that is not an option!

First things first, i need a picture of this ferocious subbie eating frog!

then i grab the step ladder and a bowl and lid, and slowly so as not to scare the poor thing i climb up it. Yes i was worried about scaring him!

Now mind you since i live alone, i do sleep completely naked, and the thought of the frog seeing me in that state, well didn't really enter my mind!

So there i am climbing up the ladder at 6;30 am naked with a bowl and lid, and no sooner do i get to the top step and Mr frog decides he is not liking that particular cupboard, noooo the one on the other side of the kitchen is much more appealing! And of course the best route is the one which goes directly over my head!

Anyway, to cut to the chase after his 4 other locations, and several startled screams of fright later...i capture Mr Frog half in the bowl and half out. Of course no way to put the lid on, and he is fighting for freedom! Then the thought occurs to me, i am naked! I should have thrown at least a shirt on prior to my expedition! I can't set the bowl down to get dressed... Well maybe when my neighbors see me, outside naked, they will understand my plight!

ohhhh Lucy!

Yes, starting the day frog hunting... not much fun!

Releasing the slut...

I have always said how much i enjoy the mind fuck, well i think i have the perfect Him for that.... he pulled it off! I never knew what to expect from him next... He does not disappoint!

For anyone who knows me, they know i have just a touch of the princess in me. Yes i like nice things, the nails done, the hair impeccable, always looking nice, yada yada...And really it is not that i am afraid to get my hands dirty, its just that i better not break a nail doing it!

So his devious mind was working overtime thinking of ways to make his toy blush!

First, he had me meet him at a sweet little, ok not sweet, more like ummm seedy hotel right off the interstate. (yes the room came complete with a used hypodermic needle on the floor) After a bit of conversation and some rather intense play, he dressed his slut up in cuffs, collar, and initially a sleazy outfit (but then thankfully toned it down a bit) for a little bit of dinner on the town. oops almost forgot, here is the sadist in him, no shower! nope... no clean up for the princess after play, cuz real sluts they don't do that! UGH! But i did get the honor of watching him clean up! For some reason he really enjoyed me sitting there drenched in lube, sweat and of course not to mention, some bodily fluids, hair going every which way, ya know that just thoroughly fucked look... watching him get all sparkly clean. Go figure....

Then it was off to dinner...

Yes it is possible i just "felt" like everyone noticed the cuffs and collar, the scent of sex, the messed up hair and make up, and the look of slutty submission in my eyes... but maybe no one really did notice. They were really just staring at his rugged good looks. Yes, that must be it! And i am going to just keep telling myself that... No One Noticed the slut!

But a slut i was, not just any slut, but his slut. And really deep down, that is all i really want to be. Although the princess is still there, it is more on the outside than it is on the inside...

So the princess, turned slut, has returned from her adventures with her Master with a bigger smile on her face, and in her heart, than when she left...

Got to love the mind fuck!

when the fog lifts...

He keeps asking me....

"You sound distant... what is wrong?"

And i repeat "Nothing is wrong"

But to a degree, i guess i am a bit out of sorts.

However, to say why that is... well...

I don't know why...

I am hoping when i see him tomorrow

that the "out of sorts" will find its way back to being

well... in sorts?

i know 5 days without seeing him is not that long...

But it doesn't make it easier!

And well, we had a bit of a misunderstanding that kind of threw me just a bit.

It was certainly nothing major, and it is well over now...

But i guess when i get thrown...

i need more than a "its okay" from the telephone or text to regain my balance.

And i know...

I need to see him, feel him...

to find my balance.

This "getting to know you phase" is difficult at times.

To expect there to be no sharp curves, no bumps in the road...

that would just be silly!

But the strange thing is...

when i see him, when i am with him

it just feels like there are no sharp curves, no bumps...

i don't even see the road...

oblivious to life outside the "Him"!

It is that treacherous road back,

yes, that is where the danger lurks...

when life returns without him!

The First...

Life these last few weeks has been very exciting for me. I am not what one would call a relationship junkie, in and out of relationships, especially when it comes to D/s. And although MPH is not my first Master, i am finding many "first" with him which helps greatly to generate these feelings of excitement, as well as a tendency to look beyond today.

In my previous D/s relationship, when i entered into it, it was to learn what these feelings inside were, the need to submit, to explore the kink that was over taking most all of my thoughts. I was 34, and really not thinking much beyond the moment. I was 6 years out of a very unfulfilled marriage, raising a small child, focused much more on motherhood and having a career than i was on having a "Master". And for 13 years that relationship filled my need!

But now it seems like a horse of a different color. I look at MPH and i see a man that i so "need" in my life. Is it just the "chemistry" that i feel with him, that creates that need? Or is it a culmination of timing, of being at a point in my life where "priorities" have adjusted, which in turn creates a different set of needs and wants? Or maybe it is just "Him"?

There are things that are unique to him, the way he holds me when he sleeps, the way he cares for me, even the way he fucks me, all very unique to him. He makes me feel safe, feel loved and most assuredly owned. And for me, to feel those 3 emotions, all at the same time, that is a first!

From the inside out....

My few days with my Master have come and gone, and not unlike every time we have been together, we have some how managed to spend pretty much the whole time completely absorbed in each other. Feeling total joy from the inside out...

As i look around the room, i see the remnants of our time together, the toys, the rope, the collar and cuffs... all reminders of how very fortunate i am! The whole time together, the outside world was far away, removed from my mind completely!

And now, he is on his way home and the world is calling me back...

Even though i would love to just "stay" in that place he takes me, i know i have "things" needing my attention. As if i need to separate the "us" in my mind, to step outside for just a bit, and handle those real life things staring me in the face today.

Last night my uncle, my favorite uncle, lost his battle with Cancer. I knew something was going on the way my phone was ringing, all family members, one right after the other, until i finally answered. And if it had happened prior to meeting MPH, receiving that news, the result would surely have been different. i would have cried for him, as i did when he received the diagnosis. But last night, i found i was relieved, he was no longer in pain, and more importantly he was with the woman he spent his life adoring until she passed away a few years ago. Since she passed, it was as if he was simply moving through life "maintaining". His loss evident to all who knew him.

But when the news came, i looked at my Master, and understood much more than i could have or would have previously! Finding that "one" who brings light to our life, from the inside out, well there just isn't anything else that compares!

And although i will miss my uncle terribly, it was those days when he lived life fully with the woman he loved by his side, that i will think of most often. Those days that his smile came from the inside out...

being reminded

"Who do you belong to?"

"To you my Master"

"That is right! And do i need to remind you of that?"

"No my Master"

"No what my slut?"

"No my Master, i know... i belong to you"

And with that he spins me around putting my hands on the counter, and bending me over it.

"Move those legs back and Stick that ass out"

Eagerly, i do as instructed.

Five or six heavy smacks on each cheek, i try as i may to not move, to hold my ass perfectly still, giving him the perfect target in which to aim. But as his hand meets the skin, the force throws me off balance. He grabs my hips, moving me back into position.

"Hold still, stop moving"

His hand maneuvers forcefully between my thighs, separating them, forcing me to stick my ass higher in the air, as he probes the wetness.

"oh my slut likes that doesn't she"

"Yes she does my Master"

"and would she like me to fuck her right now?"

"Oh god yes, please my Master please"

"Please what?"

"Please my Master, please fuck me, please fuck your slut"

Forcefully he reaches his arm around my neck and thrust his cock in my ass, unequivocally "taking" what he knows belongs to him...

As the waves of pleasure saturate my body, i know with no doubt, that yes this woman, this lil girl, this toy, this slut is completely...

and totally

his...

That Certain Something....

Although the Blog has been a bit quite lately, life in Histoy land or maybe it is better to be said MPH land is moving right along....

This dynamic has under gone some rather swift changes... ones that i revel in!

In MPH i see a Man very happily adapting to "toy Ownership". He is finding his way through this very complicated maze (yes that would be me) rather nicely.

Initially, there were times when i knew he wanted, well... something, but he was holding back, not wanting to push quite yet! As if i would take to the open highway if he were to ask too much of me! That is so not the case anymore!

He has "his" way of how he wants things, and he is by no means a "softie". I cannot just smile, bat my baby blues and say "but Master i don't feel like it" ohhhh no.... Not going to happen! If he senses hesitation... He will shoot me "that look" and poof i melt into one big ball of submissive goo! How does he do that? How does he know?

But changes, the biggest ones, are within me! I have found something within myself, something i thought was impossible....

i am truly deliriously happy!

More than i have ever in my life been! i have spent the majority of my life pushing men away, don't get too close.. i will bite! But with him, it is different! He just has that certain something, it is more than just that over powering Domliness, (huh? its telling me Domliness isn't a word... really???)

I guess i will just chalked up to that chemistry thing... Because i have no other way to define or explain it!

All i can do is soak it up, in all its beauty, all its richness and enjoy each and every moment...