Holding tight

It is my nature, and of course most submissive womens' nature to always allow him to set the pace of the relationship. There are so many different standards in a D/s relationship that are not really the "rule" in a nilla one, but that is just the nature of the beast, and we accept that, after all it is he who is in control. And for that control that i most eagerly surrender, i accept his decisions as being the best for "us".

He has plans. Many plans to move our relationship to the next level. And yes i am all for it. I want it as badly as he does. Long distance is never any fun. Phone calls, text messages, IM's, they just do not replace the touch, the feeling of his presence, they are simply the bread crumbs, but certainly not the meal. And although he is only 4 hours away, at times it seems so very distant, even though we still manage to see each other at least once, if not twice a week. He is so wonderful about that!

But there are times it feels to me like i have spent the past few years "preparing" for a transition such as this in my life. De-cluttering my life, not holding on to "stuff". All in the hopes that just maybe someday i would meet my "him" and if i was fortunate enough, i would be able to live in a 24/7 without a major amount of
adjustment in my life.

But for him, whether it was an issue of not anticipating finding the "one" he was searching for, or staying very much in the moment and not looking beyond, i am not sure. Or maybe it is simply a matter of "timing". But he does have "stuff" in his life which he needs to attend to prior to us moving forward. And that old Nemesis "patience" is called upon from me once again. And patience and i, are well, very much like oil and water. Not a very good blend!

The realization that this needs to be "cleared" prior to finding room in his life for "us", is one he is well aware of and seemingly quite willing to work on. What we have in the "us" is not something that happens often, i have searched a very long time to find this, and it is without question, what i need and want! It is for me a perfect fit!

And because of the importance of that, i will hold tightly to patience with all i have within me....

Over his knee...

It has been far too long, but finally the girl had her long awaited Over The Knee!

What is it about OTK that is so damn erotic to me?

It must be more than just the "control" factor, or the submissiveness of the act itself.

But from the time i actually bent over his knee, the arousal started...

Maybe it is just feeling "his" touch as the skin warms up?

Maybe its the words that he is saying as my eagerly awaiting and exposed arse is wiggling on his lap?

Maybe its the sting as his hand lands ever so firmly...

Maybe its feeling the cock underneath me as it hardens with each blow...

Maybe its the rubbing, probing and inspecting along the way..

Or maybe it is all of it, all rolled up into one big ball of intensity....

Yes i do believe that is it!

When it is the right "one", when you know it is the warm up

and not just the show,

when you know it is his to do with as he wants,

then oooh that makes it all that much more "perfect"...

My Gift...

Obviously its not the one i wear during play, but for everyday!

I love it, and the meaning with which it was given...

Yes he is a keeper....

The precision of the Dance...

Since time seems to be in short supply these days i took a few hours last night to surf the many blogs i have been missing as of late... with good reason of course!

But one in particular had me thinking... sins  posting on new relationships. And since this girl is currently jumping head first into a "new" relationship, it made me think about what MPH is going through these days, or most any Dom just stepping into those "new" shoes!

Now mind you, i am speaking only of the "real" Doms and not the wannabees (those that are just out to get laid or the wolves in sheep clothing types) But the true honest Dominant Man! In most cases they too have been searching for that "one" so when they find her and as sin says "the dance begins" they are not only choosing the music, but the location, the dance steps, the lighting, the temperature and all the other details of that dance,  rest firmly on their shoulders. It is in this view that we are able to see his true worthiness and capabilities.

If he tries dancing a Rumba when the music is a Waltz, it falls back to him. After all, he picked the music!

But when the dance is in perfect unison to the music and all the details fall perfectly in place, and he knows his planning was executed with precision, and we look up at him and say "take me, fuck me, let me be that nasty little slut you so crave.." Then his burden is lifted, knowing his preparations and all the planning of the little details, has shown her he is worthy, he is capable of being the Man she calls Master.

On being a babbling brook...

After a few wonderful days with MPH, the chemistry is still there and very Hot!

The initial "intensity" is always a question, can it sustain, is it real...

That question was answered with a resounding Yes!

The spark has not faded in the least, and in getting to know each other,

I realize he is not a one act show,

each time we are together,

i see more of who he truly is inside

and in this view,

i feel safe, i feel wanted, i feel owned.

And although i will not be adding begging to my repertoire any time too soon,

he was wonderfully forgiving (for about 12 seconds) when i started the giggling...

of course he quickly cut the giggling short,

owww.... ok no more giggling...

But the effort was appreciated, and the promise made that i will indeed

seriously (um... without the giggles) work on it!

To actually say what it is i really and truly want,

seems to be such a difficult task for me.

He really isn't after rehearsed and contrived,

He wants it to come naturally,

the babbling brook...

but its like a road block somewhere in between my mind and my voice,

what i want at the time is clearly in my mind,

but voicing it, actually saying the words

seems to be just too difficult

at that particular time...

But whatever the case, what ever the cause,

the man holds my heart,

gripping it tight in his hands, as he tenderly caresses it.

And the girl,

she just loves the way he is holding it,

protecting it,

caring for it,

and making it dance...

Breaking the silence....

In person, i am not a chatty type of girl.

I am much more the quiet and shy type.

I detest whiny so much, that maybe it is my way of insuring i do not become whiny.

However, it is his desire that i become more verbal.

Not in our casual conversations...

But in the heat of the moment

he wants to hear me beg...

And things being as they are....

it is my want to be as "he" wants me to be.

So begging will have to be something i learn to do.

It sounds so easy...

But it is not exactly something you can practice.

And what if i start laughing as i am doing it?

That would only make things worse...

No i am certain with him, i will not be laughing.

MPH is very much a man that knows what he likes

what he wants

And will always get just that.

One way or another....

So the girl is off to learn the art of proper begging....

And who knows

i may just find that i like it too...

and the blog...

will be sitting here...

in silence!

100 frogs later...

Anyone that has been reading my blog knows what a difficult journey finding my "Perfect Him" has been. I have run the gambit on the type of men i have encountered over the past year...

It was the impetus to writing a blog. Some of the experiences were just too strange for me to understand, and writing this blog would help me sort things out. With each one i met, there always seemed like there was just a little something amiss, and i knew settling was not possible for me...

Finding MPH was something that at times i thought was just impossible. How many times i thought "this one is close, maybe it will grow with time" but always inside that little voice would say "keep looking"... Once again more accurately defining what i thought was missing!

With time, i would become discouraged, questioning the reality of what i thought i needed in my life, maybe i was asking for too much?

And emotionally it was beyond difficult, especially with those that did feel there was "something" there, when i did not.

And then suddenly, when i first looked into his eyes, i could see "us" as a possibility...

But it was not without its fear...

Fear that it cannot possibly be real, there must be something i am not seeing, it just isn't possible that i have finally found what i have been looking for.

A few nights ago this is the message he sent....

"I wanted you to know that you sure do live in my thoughts. It seems that nearly every waking hour my thoughts are of you and what a beautiful and special
creature you are. My mind keeps going back to how you look at me some of the
time, touching my very soul at times seeing how you do feel about me. And I can
see it in your eyes most of the time, as I do hope that you can see in mine how
you are the most fascinating woman I have ever met. I really do hope that you can
be and are, the very last woman in my life. I know that if you are, I will try as
much as I can to show you every day just what you mean to me."

Yesterday at work, i received flowers, for no reason other than he wanted to show me i was in his thoughts... A completely new experience for me!

When you look back exactly a month ago in my blog, i was talking about the bully's i had encountered....

Things can change and change fast!

So my message here is this... Stay strong, yes there are far too many frogs and not nearly enough PH's out that... but you just never know when your paths will cross, when your eyes will meet, and in his eyes you will see ... the one!

As they disappear....

For him it is a necessity that initially...

we just talk....

this time together,

its not about addressing the physical needs

It really is so far away from that

His joy at being there with His toy...

as he explored and prodded

was very apparent.

His eyes hid nothing...

as he viewed the marks he had left last week...

(Yes they are still there, quietly sinking back into the flesh they rose from)

he was seemingly bidding them farewell.

He understands my need to trust

and the fears that tend to accompany that need.

He held me in his arms and whispered all the words i so needed to hear...

insuring not only that i heard them, but that i held onto them, tightly, deep inside, as well.

And i did...

i felt his heart caress mine

and i knew i was safe

those ugly little fears...

they too were quietly slipping away...

and inside i was free...

free to let go...

to give all that i am inside to him to hold, to protect, to care for.

And that he did, just perfectly!

His toy....

Finding what works for me, what fits into my ideal of what i want in my life, has been a journey of pain and often exasperation for me.  There have been times when i have spoke with someone and said yes this "may" work, but with time, realized that was not the case. Just "something" did not fit!

Then it would be a return to the drawing board, questioning if i will ever find "Him"....

Finding the one who fits, A Dominant man who possesses a twisted sense of wanton deviant lust, blended with a touch of laughter and control, and then throw in a few sprinkles of the real life,  and there you have my perfect him!

Yes the subject of my search... "My Perfect Him", the one that fits...

My Perfect Him, MPH,  has just left, heading home.... back to his real world!

But not without leaving his toy sitting on the edge of perfection...


When i am with him, there is no outside world, no other place exist except the one right here, right now with him, no concerns of tomorrow or yesterday, it is our place, our time, right now, right here!

In his presence.... it fits, perfectly!

Each time i have been with him, it has felt that "easy"! So easy it scares me! Nothing can really feel so good, so perfect can it? There must be something wrong some where that i am just not seeing... and just then.... a rush of his scent breezes by, or i hear the serenade of his words in my mind, or feel the pain of his use on my body.....

And i am reminded...

It is real, and yes it is just that easy ... just that perfect.

Inside, this lil girl is reduced to one big ball of mush, feeling oh so cared for, oh so owned, and just so damn happy and satisfied....

With all the trials and tribulations life has shown me, i have found the one spot where life is perfect, where everything just "fits", where i can relish in being a toy, his toy....

The voice inside...

Aisha made a comment on my post yesterday that had me thinking... about trusting in ourselves. Trusting that we ourselves know what we need. And i think for the most part we do, we know the basic outline. And for each of us, that outline may vary.  But we also need to listen to our gut, our instincts, that little voice inside!

Recently   SBF  wrote about how she is not "cut out" to be a slave. And i can relate exactly to what she was saying. However, things may change in time, and being open to the possibility of change, is important.

For myself, there are times i think i need a Man to take control all the time, or even the majority of the time, but when i find one who "is that way", i run the other direction. Fear can be a thrilling emotion or it can also be debilitating.

Fear can keep us suppressed, stifle our growth.

I find i have a difficult time just throwing myself blindly forward. I need clear lines. It is not just within the context of a D/s relationship, my life is that way as well. I need to know the direction i am traveling. Flying by the "seat of my pants" is never a comfortable option for me. I like to be organized, to have order.

But "staying safe" and knowing, or "thinking" i know what i need or want, may not always be the best thing for me. Sticking my foot out and over that line in the sand, moving out of the safe zone, allows me release, to grow, and experience things i may have never experienced had i always stayed "safe".

In D/s, what it always comes down to, is him. Our desire to place a well deserved "trust" into his hands. Knowing that in doing so, we will experience new things, things we may have always thought we did not want or like, things outside our comfort zone, but always knowing that with him, we are safe. We may feel fear, but there are times we may need to embrace that fear, and just trust!

Trusting him, yes that is important, but it is also important that we trust ourselves and the decision we have made to place our trust in "him". That voice inside that says yes he is worthy, yes he is capable. Sometimes it may work out and sometimes it may not, but in doing so, we have grown!

Taking time.....

Stepping back ...

is not the same as walking away.

Stepping back is simply

moving at a much slower pace...

Watching and waiting.

This Man holds a piece of my heart

one i have eagerly given...

And time is always a good thing!

The not so comfortable zone...

Lately i have been asking myself, where exactly is "my" comfort zone.

I know it is imperative for me to be pushed, to find where the comfort zone ends and the "un" comfortable zone begins.

It is not as exact as drawing a line in the sand and saying i will stay over here. It is finding that place where you know nothing bad can happen. Feeling safe is just one of those things that i need. Where that line is, depends completely on the level of trust.

Trust is never something you can force...it evolves! There is no timetable, no predictability factor, it builds with time. It is never easy, at least not with me.
Maybe it is due to the "let downs" i have experienced in my life, i honestly do not know. I know i have become hardened. At times there are questions nagging at me, things i need to know prior to moving forward, a roadblock so to speak. I can not just "let go" of those questions, of those feelings that just maybe, i am not safe.

Those nagging questions need answers, complete and honest answers! Without those answers my only option is to step back, to go into a "protective" mode.

So now, unfortunately, i have hit a roadblock. I have found that uncomfortable zone, and I am stepping back!

adjusting to change...

Yes changes are a foot... and thus, so is the design of my blog! Although my free time lately has been rather minimal, and believe me when i say, that is just SO NOT a negative. i am just now feeling as though life is getting back on a more even keel.

Although things are early, and try as i may, i am trying not to get too far a head of myself... yes there are certainly changes going on. Adjustments addressed! I have spent a very long time really not answering to anyone and now suddenly.... i am sending a text or making a call ... where i am going, when i return, etc. Fortunately for me, he is a Man of patience and understanding, but i do know both of those qualities can wear thin if tested too often...

And although distance can be challenging, he is only 4 hours away, it could be much worse! But we do speak, email and text through out the day, so really much of the time, i forget about the 4 hour distance. At least until i climb into that big empty bed alone, then 4 hours away seems so very far!

It is an exciting time, but also a difficult time, this getting to know each other!
Often reading too deeply into the others words or actions. However, as is true in any type of relationship, if the lines of communication stay open, if we are given the opportunity to express our thoughts and feelings, to work out issues prior to them becoming issues, then things will flow. And so far, the flow is awesome...

So not unlike the blog, it is a work in progress! I will most likely change it as time allows... the blog that is...

Test Drive part 2

In a lifestyle built around honesty, the importance of opening oneself up, letting someone in, giving them a view to the true soul inside, can never be down played.

He sat there in the chair, fully clothed, while i was naked at his feet. Most men,
would be not be spending this time talking, opening their soul... But he did.
Telling me of some of the experiences in his life that have shaped him, not things easily spoken of. At times bringing me to laughter, and other times, not so much.
He would stop intermittently to insure i was comfortable, or maybe to kiss me, or run his hand through my hair.

There was no "rushed" feeling, just an easiness. And as i looked up at him, i felt a sense of his need. His needs are not based solely on his cock, it goes much deeper than that. He refers to it as his "Jimmy". The person who through thick and thin, has his back. A concept i too understand.

As he spoke of his life, i felt such a sense of closeness to him. This beautiful Man before me, was not just offering me his Cock, but his heart as well. On this test drive, he was showing me his engine, teaching me how it runs, walking me through the owners manual.

I felt honored! He is not your "typical" Dominant. He makes no demands... "you must call me Sir or Master", no that is not his style. He is very much his own Man. His concerns are not in what "others" think or say... yet his concern about what i thought, or what i felt were very apparent. He needed me to know him, to feel safe, to trust that his intentions were sincere. To know he is not viewing this as a "fix" for today...

And as i listened to him, i felt drawn to him, drawn to his heart, his mind and yes to his cock, that need of his, that so touched that need of mine...

So this Master of mine has left me with a dilemma. My blog... The Empty Collar!
Just what do i do? I guess a revamping of sorts is in order! Yes a problem i welcome with open arms....

The Test Drive...

So the plan was made... i would go there and spend 24 hours as his, just to see what life with him would be like. I was free to leave at anytime... If at the end of the time there, we both agreed we would move forward.... Or not!

And as you all know from my last post... the girl was definitely "smitten"... driving there with hopes and anticipation.... Talking with him most of the way, feeling really good about everything.....

And now the details..... (well some of them at least... the basics)

First thing he does, is puts a collar on me... just as a reminder, oops maybe it was the second, i think he had me get undressed first and stand there completely naked, as he looked me up and down smiling that devious smile of his...
then i think was the collar... ya know my mind was moving in a million different directions and well i wasn't actually taking notes, so i may not have everything in proper order...

but after that we sat and talked for what seemed like an hour maybe more... he told me a lot about who he is as a Man... giving me that glimpse into the Man before me... and i loved it.... He is a bit of a former bad boy in his youth, but one with a tremendous amount of strength and determination, he has over come a lot of roadblocks, qualities i so admire and respect...

This man who tells me he is not really a Sadist... yes is indeed a Sadist, but ... he is not what i would say is a typical Sadist.. he is a very sensuous Sadist.
Just a man and his toy... and play with his toy he did! For hours upon hours... Carefully noticing my reactions, always insuring i was feeling safe. Stopping only to feed his toy.. which he did rather nicely, placing the food in her mouth piece by piece, showering his toy, drying her off, making her laugh, making her scream, growl and purr, but through out... his care, his concern always at the fore front.

And in the morning, when i woke up in his arms, i knew this is exactly the place i needed to be, with the Man i needed to belong to... i just knew it! No questions, no qualms...

We are two very similar souls, seeking the same things in life...With him i felt safe, i felt cared for, i felt adored and i felt owned...

This "Him"....

ohhhhh Yes it is Tuesday....

And in just a few hours i will be there

with "Him"...

I have been writing this blog for basically 6 months now

and always when describing the "one" it was just a "Him"

Knowing those things that i was searching for in a "Him"

But never really knowing who that "Him" may be...

And although in my mind i have ideas of what that "Him"

would be like...

This "Him" is so much more...

Things like his scent....

i never thought about that

but his scent...

Drives me wild...

He writes to me a lot...

opening up his soul,

allowing me a view....

i had never considered the importance of that...

or the effect that would have on me.

i knew the "Him" would need to have a rather intense mind...

But this "Him" pushes that beyond.

But what really does it for me...

is how this "Him" makes me feel inside.

i always knew the significance of that

but really had no idea what it would actually feel like...

i knew what it felt like before...

but that was different...

a different him...

a different time...

a different me.

But today i know!

And it feels...

well

fucking awesome...

In just a few days....

We spoke briefly back in the fall, but for one reason or another, we drifted. A note here or there, but no real depth to any of them... until a few days ago... then everything suddenly became a whirlwind. He came here to meet... and with that meeting, came hope and .... sizzling chemistry! Then a second meeting, yes it is real! So much so, the girl let down the walls, and in he walked...No push no shove...But there he was.. comfortably nestled deep within in her mind!

Yes the chemistry is hot

the mindset

all i have ever looked for....

The girl is doing handstands and somersaults...

the smile has not left my face...

Is it possible

that i have found him?

Everything feels "right"

that ever elusive 100%

it seems it does exist.

And although i am "trying" to keeps things "close to the heart"

it doesn't seem to be working

there is too much joy, too much excitement to keep it restrained...

it feels so damn good

running a muck within.

Tomorrow i am going there

and i will know

with no doubts....

and maybe

just maybe

it was him in my dreams

his face that i could not see

and my search

will end with him....

the thrill of the ride....

This search has been such a roller coaster ride....

Yes that aptly describes it....

At times its been completely thrilling.

my mind racing at the speed of sound

delighting in the many mind fucks...

Other times i am digging my nails in

hoping to not be hurt...

or to hurt anyone else.

And often when the ride stops

i climb out

dazed and dizzy...

And so many times

i just climb right back in

eager to ride again

with barely a chance to breath...

uncertain of the ride

but always with a sense of hope

that maybe this will be the ride

the one ride

that finally makes me feel

complete and content...

Life in La La Land....

It is so nice to be missed....

For one who never misses a day to blog...

and then suddenly 2 days

and no blog....

You know something is amiss...

Thanks for the concern, but i am just fine...

well kinda...

The girl has been struggling...

internally

an unrest...

Don't you hate that "stomach in a knot" sort of feeling....

the gut which never lies....

is saying something.

Interpreting that message...

yes there in lies the difficulty!

i live in a la la land of sorts...

never wanting the people i care about to ever feel hurt...

and often i sugar coat

leaving the truth some where under that sweet sugar shell.

My meeting the other day...

the Him that i met...

was not the him for me.

He is still a keeper in my mind....

just not a keeper for me.

I knew it wasn't all there for me

the burning lust....

But he was a nice guy

One i didn't want to hurt...

But my gut, was telling me

to keep looking...

i tried to push it away, ignore it...

But it persisted....

and finally i gave in...

i walked away from him...

i know it is the right thing

but that really doesn't make it easier.

It is that 99% versus 100% thing...

And maybe it is that la la land that i live in

thinking things should be, will be 100%...

And i will probably spend my life alone

searching for that 100%

never accepting 99%...

But i can't quit trying...

it just may be right around the corner...

The natural flow...

The core of a D/s relationship for me

has nothing to do with the sex...

okay well maybe not...

nothing....

But it goes so far beyond the sex.

For me, i need to look deep inside him,

to know him, really know him....

how his mind works, what is in his heart...

what he deems as important in his life...

the good and the not so good...

before i can determine his ability to handle the "power" of us.

Those things in his mind, his heart

need to be in tune....

with what is in my mind and in my heart.

Therein lies the element of trust.

When you trust that he wants what you want

that he needs what you need,

and not simply in regard to sex,

but rather in life as a whole...

That is the point when the light turns on

that you know,

yes he is capable,

yes he is worthy.

The need to let go

of all that you hold close

suddenly without force,

is "naturally" his...

as smoothly as that.

Its not really a decision

it just simply... is!

To get to that point takes time...

it takes deep explorations of thoughts,

of feelings...

It takes communication in the rawest form.

i need for him to open up,

to show me those thoughts, those feelings...

Show me who he is...

i need to feel safe

to let go of the doubts, the questions....

to feel the flow is as smooth and "natural"

as it was meant to be...

the surpirise of a smile...

Friendship and surprises....

That was my day yesterday...

First was my meeting with SBF...

we talked

we laughed

she is as delightful a woman in person

as she is on the pages of her blog...

Then i was off to the "other" meeting...

the one i had set no expectations on.

i went into it almost thinking

lets get this out of the way...

Well guess what?

he threw me for a loop...

i like him!

he was sweet

he was charming

every bit the gentleman...

He made me feel safe...

and yes

he even knows how to kiss...

this one may be a keeper...

time will tell!

So this girl is skipping off to the beach today

with a smile in her heart....