The desire to play, just play, with no strings, no expectations is a feeling that never stops at my door step.
When i throw myself into something, its more like a dive off a cliff.
Once i let go, there is no stopping. It is a complete free fall.
Maybe its a birth defect, i honestly do not know, but i have always been that way, and at this age i imagine it will never change.
It is not just in the lifestyle, it is everything i do, every relationship i enter.
Nothing is half assed. I see it through to completion, or until i hit the big brick wall.
And it takes a lot of bruises to get me to say "uncle" and walk away.
I imagine that is why i walk so carefully.
Why each possible move is considered before hand, each possible scenario replayed.
And sometimes it would just be better to be shoved off that cliff, but i am too careful for that.
Certainly i miss out on a lot, this all or nothing mindset holds me back from experiencing a great deal.
However, i am powerless to change it.
To look at it as anything less than a "protective mechanism" would be wrong.
If only i could put the blind fold on and jump...