Creating His....

Well with my nice peaceful mindset today...

I keep wandering off.

Thinking...

(i know... dangerous)

But just thinking...

what it would be like...

To be owned.

To be "His Toy"...

Ah but i am already

"His Toy"...

Of course the "His" part is still the elusive mystery...

So that just leaves the "Toy"

But of course, toys can dream...

They can imagine all sorts of fun, creative, erotic, sweet and completely

nasty trouble to get themselves into...

And i must admit, i am fairly accomplished at that.

Especially when the mind is free, and happy, and feeling oh so playful.

Like today...

Today, the "His" factor

can be anyone the toy wants him to be...

Doing all those things

the toys mind envisions...

And just maybe...

When it is no longer just a dream...

when reality comes to play..

The "His" of her dreams

And the "His" of reality

will be...

one and the same...

Just playing with His Toy...

adjusting the sails...

It is so delightful to peruse through the many blogs on D/s and feel the many different perspective defined throughout each.

Some of those touch me each and every time i read their words, they just have a way to reach inside and hold my heart.

And often with those words, i am taken away into another place.

They have a way of instilling a peacefulness inside, of helping me to re focus on what it is that i need in my life, of helping me to calm the fears of the unknowing of what hopefully may lay ahead for me someday.

And i find hope, i find serenity and even a sense of simplicity.

Through their words i see the other side, the freedom, the beauty, the completeness that they have found in their lives.

With that, i once again, find clarity.

I know my needs...

And although there are times they become distorted, or oblique, i trudge through, i refine that vision, i adjust the course and eventually i find my way back.

And now....

my sails are set, the course defined....

Balance

Closing my eyes and...

clicking my heels three times.....

It has been a rough couple of days.

And just like every other single submissive blogging woman,

i need a good healthy dose

of refocusing.

Just to find my balance.

Or as thesubmissivebf   calls it...

Maintenance.

And maybe this week end at the munch....

I will play....

I will take the "shy girl" public

and just do a little "maintenance"...

Not sure i can...

Not certain i will...

But i am "toying" with the offer...

maybe....

Life is returning to normal once again.

The profiles, back up and running.

The munch is coming this week end, and my "single" reservation placed.

I doubt i will stay for long.

But i am going anyway...

It is a play party and although i do not play,

I dream...

I remember....

It reinforces the search.


And although the search seems to be never ending,


I won't quit.


I won't settle,


i will not stop defining my needs and wants...


No i will never stop dreaming...


He is out there some where...


defining his needs, his wants...


Holding on to his dreams...


And who knows, maybe this weekend...


Our paths with cross...

The emotional Sadist....

Today has a message....

Sadism is defined as:
   Abnormal behavior characterized by deriving sexual gratification from
   inflicting pain on others. More loosely, sadism refers to deriving
   any pleasure from inflicting pain.


Aisha blogged yesterday about the vulnerabilities that we as submissive woman are exposed to.

And i do believe there are men who prey on those vulnerabilities.

A type of emotional Sadist.

I do believe i have crossed paths with several of them in my life, not just here recently, but going back many years.

They feed off pain, but the pain is not one of a physical nature but rather emotional.

They are not healthy nurturing men, not men of strong character.

Their concern is not in guiding, or teaching a submissive woman, the beauty of what lies within.

But rather in finding that vulnerability, exposing it, and leaving their mark boldly on it.

They pursue the submissive purely for their own emotional charge, knowing that

nothing will ever become of it.

It was never their intention to actually engage in a healthy and nurturing relationship.

It is simply to placate their ego.

They are extremely cunning, quite unidentifiable from appearances.

They pride themselves on the skill they have developed to expose the vulnerabilities.

If you have read my blog, then you will remember cutie J from back in January.

After speaking with him for months, and  finding a place within my heart to let him in...

i finally found out, he is married.

For him, it satisfied his need to feel needed, wanted.

For me, i felt stupid for falling for him, for believing that the picture he painted was possible, for allowing him into my heart.

He will still occasionally send a text, trying to reignite the pain.

But that is a fire that will not burn again, not for him anyway....

On growing up...

I was just asked the age old question...

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

My answer is really simple for anyone that knows me...

I don't want to grow up....

Growing up is not so much fun.

I do not have Big Shoulders.

And there are times...

the weight that is placed on them,

is too much.

I always manage....

not from want, but from need.

But its life...

It is the good with the bad and everything in between.

But oh god,

to just run around in the field and chase butterflies all day....

Wouldn't that be heaven!

breathing ...

I am excited for the day...

Not just because its Easter and i do not have to work...

Not just because it starts 4 days in a row off from work..

Not just because i get to see the kiddo who is now so grown and has no

need for his mom to kiss his banged up knees and make everything all better...

But rather because it is a day i woke up and felt hope

about what the day may bring.

Life is such a gift..

And there are times when it moves so fast, and seems so difficult,

That i forget how very lucky i am to be here...

I forget to just stop what i am doing

to leave the worries behind

to just take in the beauty of the day

And breath...

Have a wonderful holiday all ....

the Hard Knocks...

Every experience, good or bad, contains within it a lesson.

"Tell me what your vision of 24/7 would be?"

To me, this is an important question, and if properly answered, could have saved us both some anguish.

But it did not get answered, until later, until after the meeting.

And when it was finally answered, it did not sit well with me.

It showed me his vision, was not my vision.

My vision is simple, so very simple...

Dauntless Vitality said it wonderfully (Yes he always does) in his post last Sunday:

"it is about mutual trust and respect. It has an element of one being in control and the other submitting to that control. Yet, at the same time it is about mutual love, admiration and adoration."

That is my vision! It seems so simple... Almost too simple...

So one of my lessons is this:

If the question is too difficult to answer...

than i am too difficult to handle...

Unless of course he reads this blog first,

And "opts" to hide his true motivations.

Then i am just screwed...

today... i step back...

Today

i told him....

the square peg in the round hole syndrome was not working for me!

There was no kiss with our meeting.

And after we said good bye,

i sent him a message...

"why no kiss?"

His answer was

"kisses come with time".

But i disagree,

and he dislikes that about me

that i voice my thoughts....

and that is the square peg!

The Kiss

The importance of a kiss..

Is never lost on me.

Kissing frees the passion.

And what is passion with no kiss?

It is sterile

lifeless

contrived...

But with the kiss,

the blood flows

the desire builds

the want intensifies...

Yes the kiss...

the tenderness

the sensuousness

the melding of two souls...

I miss the kiss...

leaving tizzy behind

Idealism...

I have this image of perfection...

Of thinking that everything will be in pristine order...

Just fall perfectly within the mold.

And when something doesn't fit exactly right into that mold, i transport into "Tizzy" mode.

And of course being that patience and i are contrary to the other,

It creates a particularly difficult challenge for Him (yes i need to come up with a name or something of designation for the significant one)

Patience he has, thus far, thankfully, although to always expect that is also unrealistic.

In visiting Tizzy, i miss the beauty of "right here, right now".

My worries, my insecurities...

He is not oblivious to them by any means.

He recognizes them almost immediately, and then begins the expedition.

And in a matter of a few words and a little time, the calmness returns.

He does that...

And i so need that.

On his Path...

To set goals for oneself, clarity of that goal in all aspects, is essential.

I have for the past few years had a goal. I see clearly the purpose.

But the path of getting to that point, has caused me to put my life in to a type of "holding" pattern.

The unknown portion of that path, causes a type of stagnation. Not in the mental sense at all, this blog assures that will not happen.

But in the basics. The everyday "living" part. Not knowing where the path may lead me, keeps the desire to "change" anything in the basics, at a minimal.

My focus is not on the day to day basics, but rather in the destination.

Until the path is found, until i place that foot on that path, the goal remains the destination.

The path is one which i have no control other than to decide which path i will place my foot on and when i let go. Always cognizant of the destination, the goal.

I do not wish to see the path with all clarity, as He says, that would be too "safe", the ride too predictable, and that is not at all what "inspires" this girl.

But the destination, yes that needs to be clear and concise.

Reaching within to find the trust, to place that foot on that path, his path, to place the destination into his hands, our destination, that is the challenge, the purpose, and the beauty in its entirety.

and now...

Having all the little details carefully constructed, striving for perfection, knowing where the hands of the clock are at each second.... my vision.

Last minute changes in time, location, plans... his vision.

Yes the girl started feeling the effects of the upside down apple cart...

worrying, what if....

But keeping the focus on the big picture, meeting this man eye to eye, feeling the response of my body, the images in my mind...

Yes the big picture!

And now...

after the meeting...

Her mind is calm...

Her body excited....

She is full of smiles, of eager anticipation...

It is all there!

And through all the restraint in her words here...

Her heart is dancing!

Silent lucidity....

I often receive comments about the images i post with my blog.

I spend almost as much time searching for images as i do in writing the substance of the blog.

I look for images that evoke the feelings that either i am feeling at the time i am writing, or the message i am hoping to pass along.

Usually it is as i am feeling at that moment.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just carry around a photo book, and show a picture "this is how i feel right now"?

But showing who we are and what we feel at any particular time, is never that easy.

And the transparency necessary in a D/s relationship is most certainly the most difficult of all.

Shifting from joy to concern, whether it be in the facial expressions or the body language, or maybe in the voice, is certainly worthy of investigation.

And try as we may there are always "tells" that cannot be hidden.

A sudden silence speaks loudly.

It can be agonizing attempting to determine the cause.

The possibility of "over thinking" that silence is almost assured.

Sometimes we just need to step back, to re group, and the best way to accomplish that is through silence.

With time and a touch of patience, the silence becomes clear, the issues brought to the surface, and the solution....

Transparent....

Challenges...

It is difficult when you have learned how to close things up nice and tight, to shift into the "release" mode and start opening those things up again.

He asked questions, about my past experience.

So yes i took the easy way out....

Sort of answered it, but sort of avoided answering it.

I knew he wanted details, he wanted the real nitty gritty.

I completely understand why he wanted that, but i held back.

Coated it twice over with sugar, and sent the answers he wasn't looking for back.

And i have to ask myself why i would do that?

Was it simply for his reaction?

To see if he would allow the half assed attempt?

Well of course he didn't accept it, or should i say he failed to see the cuteness in it?

And if he had, wouldn't my "opinion" of him, have deflated a bit?

Maybe that was what i was looking for.

It is still all very new, so am i still testing him?

Or maybe that is not it at all.

Maybe it is still in keeping some of those walls up...

Staying safely protected within the tight cocoon.

Between those two options, which is worse?

Manipulative or insecure?

I want neither!

And i am certain he will stand for neither.

eeeks.... this girl could be in for some big trouble...

But you know what?

If there were no challenges for him, he wouldn't be happy either...

Defining the feeling...

Enthralled:

to captivate or charm: a performer whose grace, skill, and virtuosity enthrall her or his audiences.
spellbound, enchanted,, enraptured.
 
It fits....

Yes I am enthralled....

I am captivated and charmed.

And sincerely, it is the little things that have brought me here.

There have been no demands, nothing forced, a calm resolute.

Yet the control, the strength, unquestioned.

I am aware that as things progress, things changed.

They become more defined, the lines clearer.

But the changes ahead, of what can be, are thrilling.

At this point, it is exactly as it needs to be, where it needs to be...

Yes the girl is excited.
 
There are no distractions.

That calm resolute.

It holds her, it keeps her focused, yet inside, she is dancing....

completely enthralled.....

That Thing...

"Come out and play lil girl"

"No i don't want to"

"Oh silly lil girl, you do want to"

"but it is scary out there"

Sometimes it can feel frightening, that thing we call control.

Especially in the beginning.

The uncertainty, can be intimidating.

But it can also be thrilling, exciting.

Your blood racing with the commands.

Your need to see that smile or hear the words "good girl" becomes imperative.

You strive for perfection in each task.

Not always certain as to why the task is assigned, but knowing there is a reason, an end result.

It is simply a test, a push.

To feel that occasional push reminds you of the path, the path that he creates.

It reminds you...

ever so sweetly,

you are not walking this path alone.

Reading the label...

There are things, just things, which are important to me, very important, which may not seem so important to someone else.

But for me, they mean everything.

Some may laugh that they hold such a place in my heart.

They may seem silly, or even very minor to others.

There is no right, no wrong, we are all in a sense, free to make a choice as to what is important.

I only know for me, how i live my life, is based around those things i value.

It is entirely possible that everyone has the same values in their life, but view them, or define them differently.

Regardless, for me i can not deviate from what i hold as important.

It is for me, a constant.

The corner stone on which all else is built. With one weak stone, the foundation crumbles.

It is never an easy task. Not at all!

But in the end, you know it is strong, it is solid, and it is safe.

And that is the only place i want to be...

Calm intensity....

Things are shifting, slowly, but the pace is delightful.

To feel things moving away from me, further from my control, feels nice.

Not at an unrealistic speed where you know you may fall because it is moving too fast.

But one where it feels safe, it feels comfortable, it fits.

Its soothing, smooth and undisturbed...

The impossible feels possible.

No pretense, it is all very genuine, but on a clearly elevated level.

I am not hiding, i am not standing my ground, i am not digging my heels in.

The ropes i have placed on myself, on my thoughts, my feelings, they are unraveling.

That tightness, replaced by an easy, comfortable peacefulness.

He is removing the blindfold...

Safely tucking it away.

He is not pushing, he is pulling...

And my heart is following...

on pride....

Humility or being humbled initiates feelings that i, as a submissive woman, know well.

To diminish the facade i tend to hide behind.

It is throwing the curtain to the side, and penetrating the true soul within.

But it is not easy, i hang on tight.

Can i really open it up, bare it for the world to see?

The awareness that once you do, it is no longer hidden. It no longer belongs to you.

It is out there and there is no taking it back.

When i speak of strength, this is the core.

It is standing naked, showing the world the imperfections, allowing their judgement to override my own.

To announce "i love being his slut, his whore, to suck his Cock and bath in his cum, to offer myself in any way he desires" takes an uncommon courage, not easily found within.

But the freedom felt in the calm of the storm is one of accepted bliss. I am as i am, and for him that is all he wants, all he needs.

I have no need to be anything else, to anyone else, but him.

And for that i am indeed proud...

Catch and release...

"You think I'll weep:
No, I'll not weep.
I have full cause of weeping, but this heart
Shall break into a hundred thousand flaws
Or ere I'll weep."
....William Shakespeare

Being a woman of strength, of strong character, is in itself a curse.

And it is with that curse that the greatest feelings of submission lie.

That sounds rather contradictory, but for me it is felt daily.

It is not to say that i do not bend, i certainly do.

Often i may look at a reaction i have, and realize the need to adjust.

As an example, anger.

When i allow anger to enter, it throws everything into a tumble.

I feel the off balance in its entirety.

But recognizing it, and attempting to change it, to "let go", that is where the beauty lies.

When you are able to let go of anger, to move beyond it, it truly can be freeing.

But not everything that weighs us down, or keeps us stagnate is easily recognizable.

It lies buried deep within.

And enter the capable Dominant, he recognizes it, he guides us through it, and through him we are able to release, to "let go", to be free....

Through this freedom, we are open to love, to trust and to revel in our submission.

Yes freedom through submission is truly paradise.

letting the light in....

It has been months since this girl has felt control.

Of course the conversations of late have been stand offish, protected.

Well most of them anyway.

Every once in a while she opens the window just enough to let a little light in, just to see if he grabs it, takes what he wants.

It is a view to him as much as her.

If he is the shy type, the one who needs it "written in stone" before he sees it, he is not the right one.

If he sees it, but is hesitant to grab it, he is not the right one.

But oh when he sees it and he pushes it, yes this one gets her attention.

This is the man worthy, the man capable of holding her mind.

And the dance begins.

Her mind begins to swirl with devious thoughts, and with those thoughts her body reacts.

The needs are ever present, but the wants, the desires build.

The window opens slightly more...

His strength keeps it there, pushing it open more, an invisible prop.

One not seen, simply felt.

Her hands are bound, she can do nothing.

But her heart, her mind they are dancing wildly to the music he is playing.

And in that dance she feels joy, she feels safe, she feels free.

What a great place to be...

where is that blindfold....

The desire to play, just play, with no strings, no expectations is a feeling that never stops at my door step.

When i throw myself into something, its more like a dive off a cliff.

Once i let go, there is no stopping. It is a complete free fall.

Maybe its a birth defect, i honestly do not know, but i have always been that way, and at this age i imagine it will never change.

It is not just in the lifestyle, it is everything i do, every relationship i enter.

Nothing is half assed. I see it through to completion, or until i hit the big brick wall.

And it takes a lot of bruises to get me to say "uncle" and walk away.

I imagine that is why i walk so carefully.

Why each possible move is considered before hand, each possible scenario replayed.

And sometimes it would just be better to be shoved off that cliff, but i am too careful for that.

Certainly i miss out on a lot, this all or nothing mindset holds me back from experiencing a great deal.

However, i am powerless to change it.

To look at it as anything less than a "protective mechanism" would be wrong.

If only i could put the blind fold on and jump...

in all appearances...

I had a discussion earlier this week, with some one about a line i have in my profile which he felt was rather confusing.

I say in my profile, i do not wish to be a girl friend or a wife.

In my mind it is a way of saying i wish the relationship to "feel" more about the D/s, and less about the other dynamics.

And that is not to say there is a division in anyway shape or form between being a submissive and being a wife or girlfriend. There certainly is not. It is about "feeling" that role, that dynamic, within.

There were times in my previous D/s relationship, that i felt only like the girl friend, or sometimes like the wife, but not nearly enough like the lil girl or the slave.

I need that revised.

Or at a minimum more balanced out.

Ideally i would like to feel more like the lil girl, often like the slave, and only rarely like the girlfriend or wife.

But finding that "comfort zone" is a matter of the personalities involved.

I don't think i could be put into a mold and stay always within the lines of that mold.

As much as i love feeling like the lil girl, i do not think i could stay in that place 24/7, 365.

I think i may enjoy trying, but to "expect" it, would be unrealistic.

And then you have the "real" world image, the view of the family or friends, the associates at work, the neighbors. To them, how will it appear?

But then it does depend on Him, he is the one the sets the tone, the pace, and that is exactly as i need it to be.

That thought is always at the fore front when looking at a "him", and why the gift of laughter is so very important.

If he is too rigid, too stiff, i would feel smothered, at least i think so.

But then i am just a lil girl so what do i know....

A day of ease...

Unfettered, and relaxed, my mind was clear and serene.

Truly a day much needed.

And you thought i missed a day of blogging, but really i didn't.

I actually now have three new postings, only i didn't hit publish on two.

They are there, lurking in my "drafts" file, however, i was uninspired with them. So maybe some day i will tweak them, and then "feel" they are worthy.

But not right now.

Being particular is not limited to my choices in Dominant men...

Yesterday was a day filled with fun, and topped with a sweet surprise, kind of the cherry on top.

It was far too chilly to hit the beach, so instead i played.

I did the video chat for a bit, met a girlfriend for lunch, did a bit of shopping, met another friend for happy hour, a little more video chatting, and then there it was in my mail box, the cherry!

A note from V, just to let me know he was thinking of me.

Very short, but i will take it!

It brought a smile, to know some where in his heart, in his mind, i entered.

It was really very sweet, and just what a lil girl needs to sleep tight.

Yes, yesterday was a good day!

Going Postal...

It is oddly strange how sometimes i exchange emails with some one i do have interest in, some light flirting, some minor exchange of information, and then nothing.

They seem to disappear into the abyss.

Have they lost interest that quickly?

Was it something i said?

Perhaps something i did not say?

Are they waiting for me to push the envelop?

I have never been very good at pushing the envelop when it comes to D/s.

I guess its my naive nature to think that as the Dominant Man they will take the bull by the horns and go for it.

The ones that do, yes with them i look a bit harder, a bit deeper. My interest tweaks, they are Men of character, of solid moral fiber. Just maybe they have what it takes!

And the ones that don't, the ones that sit back waiting for things to happen, afraid to put their hat in the ring from fear of rejection, or lack of self esteem, well for me they are better left in the back ground.

the not so deep end of the pool

It is wonderful what you can learn about a person in a small amount of time chatting with them.

Of course you learn their likes, their dislikes, their hobbies, their turn ons or turn offs fairly easy, but to really know the person, to know their level of intelligence, of humanity, of what they really are "inside" usually takes a bit longer.

But there are also ways of spotting things which may not immediately come to the surface through a mere chat session. You can take a little of this and put it together with a little of that, and lo and behold you find something you had not anticipated.

There have been times when speaking with someone and suddenly i see something little, just a glimmer of something that "triggers" concern. Then when i focus in on that subject it hits, the person is a racist, or the person is too shallow to see the big picture. What ever the case, i know with no doubt, this will not work.

As abruptly as possible without going into too much detail with them, i disassociate myself from them. They are flawed in a way i have no desire to address. Something which can in no way be remedied. A lost cause.

And i know a flawed person will never be a "complete" person. They will never find happiness because they have condemned themselves to that station in life.

And in my heart i find pity for them, they simply do not see it. They are missing out on so much beauty in life, by keeping their mind closed.

They see simply what they "want" to see and nothing else.

To find a place of strength inside, to look beyond "normal" is not an easy task.

It is not something a person of meager fortitude can grasp.

We set goals for ourselves to reach beyond, not to stay stagnate, but to really persevere the adversity that we are confronted with daily. Those things which inhibit us, which keep us from growing, from moving forward.

That is the purpose of my goal, of my search. To reach for what I once thought as the unattainable. He is out there, i am certain.

Tick Tock.....

I am approaching a full year on that dreadful site Collar me.

I imagine i have over that year, spoke with a few hundred men.

All very different in their "vision" of what they seek.

And for me, things have become more defined, based on my conversations, the feelings instilled in those conversations, and the realization of the meaning behind those feelings.

Viewing this life under a microscope, adjusting this, tweaking that.

The basic foundation remains unchanged.

Control.

For me, that is the cornerstone.

Everything revolves around that.

Can he handle it, is he capable, am i safe in doing so...

Those questions and answers always swirling through my mind.

Never an easy task.

They require time to look deep, and more importantly, patience to insure the answers are correct.

Time i feel i have, but patience....

Drifting forward...

It is nice when they take the lead and the path they opt to go is a twist from the usual one.

It is nice not being able to anticipate, keeping my attention as he leads us there.

I absorb the sights, the sounds, feeling their effects.

He is allowing me subtle glimpses of that which makes him so different.

i follow with eyes wide open, watching his direction, noticing the precision in which he leads us.

My mind is free, my body relaxed as i put one foot in front of the other. No effort is required, just faith.

I do not know where this journey may lead but the path is one of discovery, of new sights, new sounds.

I am not afraid, he has taken that fear away, he has replaced it with the excitement of what lies ahead.