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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Feeding the fire

A day off and i am excited. I am meeting PL today! Its just lunch, and nothing more than that, i am certain. But i remain hopeful! Nervous and excited and trying very hard not to have expectations. But my mind has its own will. It wanders off to these places, and i try as i might to contain it.

Yesterday i received a text from a former stalker. I had met him in August, again he was so totally off the mark of the pictures we had exchanged, and of course had lied about his age. He said he was 52, but was more like 62. We met at a little downtown bar, i was ready to leave after the 1st drink, something about him scared me, just did not feel good! So after i was finally able to get away from him, i came home to 12 emails! All telling me "he was to be my new Master, my new Owner" I was very polite in my response of No, but he did not rest. He continued to email, then text, then call. I ignored him, and that seemed to make him even more mad. He knew my name, and from that he found out where i lived. And i would get messages about what i was wearing that day. It was very scary! I changed my name on CM, blocked him on my new name, and finally after about a month he seemingly gave up.

Until last night!

At first i was unsure as to who it was. He called and i did not answer, the number was different. He left a message of how much he enjoyed meeting me and would love to "get together" again! UGH!

It is times like this that i so want to get off this train ride! But i know i need to persist, for it to be "completely right". The right mindset, the right chemistry, it needs to fit. I cannot settle. Its not like trying on a pair of shoes. If they are uncomfortable you throw them to the back of the closet, and wear another pair. These shoes are in my mind, the shoes i will walk for miles and miles in. I need to love how they feel, how they look, the color, the heel, the price. I do not want to go back to the shoe store and start over. I just can't!

This is my life, the life i need. Its not just a whim, or a "today this is what i want". It is much deeper than that! Its a burning deep within my being. One that i cannot just throw water on and be ok. It is more like one i need to throw twigs on, to keep it burning, to feed it, to let it flame.

Patience, persistence, determination, to stay steadfast, to not compromise my search. He is out there some where!

I found this, and think its just absolutely beautiful!

I Am A Submissive Woman

I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength. I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy. His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that he has my best interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and I do not want walls. His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has decided I need, and so I learn from him. My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me.

If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any physical pain could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish. I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.

His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.

author unknown

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