illusion...

I am in a bratty mood.

I do not feel well.

I do not feel like writing today.

Yesterday, just to put me in a foul mood, an old "friend" told me he was worried about me. After reading my blog, he told me he felt i was losing touch with who i am. He told me i was opening myself up for pain, for disappointment. (and some other not so nice things) It forced me to spend way too much time yesterday defending myself.

And it hurt.

But for some unknown reason, inside, i think that was his intention from the beginning.

To hurt me, to make me feel more vulnerable.

He knew i was excited about my upcoming "date".

With friends, i anticipate support. But when jealousy and the need to control come into the mix, it causes me to re examine motivations.

So today i will spend my time neatly wrapping up that conversation into a nice little box, and sticking it far away in a little corner in the closet. Not forgetting the conversation, but also paying no heed to the mean words exchanged.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day, and i will dance tomorrow.

Being a bad girl really is okay...

I can feel within me some changes.

I would never say the words fuck or slut or, heaven forbid, cunt.

But now they just roll off my tongue quite unconsciously.

Am i becoming a bad girl?

I always thought i was a bad girl, deep inside, all those kinky erotic thoughts all the time.

So maybe i am becoming a badder bad girl.

The inhibitions become fewer, the desire to show "who i am" stronger.

The need to pursue what i want in my life has become almost insatiable.

And i am okay with that.

The acceptance that maybe i am not "normal" in the vanilla world is one i relish.

I have no desire to be normal.

I view normal everyday, and i love being different than that.

I love that the people reading this, understand it.

Maybe once in a while, it will generate a wisp of a smile because they have felt that too.

And they know, just as i do, that they are in some pretty cool company.

Putting the pieces together...

Attempting to identify myself with a particular group is almost impossible for me, other than to identify as submissive. I am slave, i am lil girl, but i am neither constantly. But i am always submissive.

So am i looking for a Daddy or a Master?

To define a Master, would it not encompass a Daddy?

I know i am complex, i am fully aware of that.

He needs to be fully aware and very secure with who "he" is. That is asking for a lot.

It will take an exceptional Man.

My issue with IB was that he was too rigid. He was always being the Master, and not the Daddy. I am certain that for someone he will be an exceptional Master. But for me, it wasn't a good "fit".

It does take more than just knowledge or experience. You cannot create "mindset", nor can you create "chemistry".

With V i already know the chemistry is there. With just a thought, "things" tingle.

I read the things he has written, and i see the "fit".

Clearly the mindset is there.

Currently he is struggling with some "not so good" decisions he has made in his life. The regrets of those decisions, are holding him back.

But the time has come to let go of those regrets.

To open up his mind, his heart to living life as he wants, as he needs.

i am not certain that i am the one that can do that for him, but he needs to be open to the reality that just "maybe" i am.

Just as i need to be open to the reality that just maybe i am not.

Tuesday is approaching, and this lil girl is filled with excitement, with anticipation and a little bit of fear thrown in the mix. All very good emotions...

Inspiration

It is one of those things that a woman such as myself needs only to think about and the juices start to flow. The power of it is amazing. The image itself brings tingles throughout my body and lifts me to unimaginable heights. It is something i crave almost constantly. It can cause me to do some very humiliating and some times degrading things, just in hopes of touching it, of feeling it, every where and any where!

I choose to not live without it....

I worship each and every bit of it, when ever i possibly can....

It is beautiful in all its splendid glory!

Is it the mind? the imagination?

well not really...

Ha ha ... It is the Cock!

Okay maybe it is not "just" the cock, maybe what is "attached" to the Cock is pretty important too. Because really, a Cock is just a Cock. However, when it is attached to something which i feel is also so beautiful, so fascinating, so mesmerizing, it no longer becomes "just a cock". The combination is what defines "him". And in worshiping him, it defines me.

It is the pinnacle of the Power Exchange. Whether that power exchange is M/s, D/s, or Daddy/ lil girl, makes no difference. It is gratification on all levels.

Yes i love Cock and all it encompasses, it inspires me, it drives me, it feeds my hunger.

I surrender to the Cock...

heart pounding ...

I took a big leap today, i sent V a note on his personal email telling him how i felt, telling him i have pushed the patience button far too long and i am unwilling to push it any longer. This man i met over 4 months ago, spoke to him for maybe an hour, and since that night have not been able to remove him from my thoughts. We have exchanged emails 4 or 5 times, with him always saying the same thing, "yes i am interested however, i am still reeling from my last relationship and need time." So as much as i hate ultimatums, i had to do it.

The conversation was a bit awkward at first then the giggles and chuckles came in.

He was explaining this device to me when i suddenly realized i have one of those. And from there it was great, much more relaxed, just a touch of sexual overtones, just enough.

Plans are in place, i am meeting him next Tuesday. Finally i will find out, if what i felt was real or maybe it was the Captain Morgan.

Nilla dating time was fun but it was really never intended to be anything other than a diversion. The lil girl, the slut, would never be fulfilled in that world. She would always be "missing" something, and trying to explain to a nilla man that he needs to put her over his knee and give her a nice spanking just to keep her centered, or allow her to curl into a ball at his feet while he is reading, may be a tad difficult for her to say and him to comprehend.

My heart is beating...

My mind is swirling...

The girl is floating....

nilla time

A pleasant surprise yesterday. I posted a link to my blog yesterday in a place where i knew i would be exposed to R and sure enough within an hour he was there. However, i was anticipating a barrage of "grammar errors and a list of all the things i had done wrong", but instead, to my surprise he was very supportive and encouraging. Thank you R! He does try to watch over me still, which at times grinds at me, but in the big picture, is really appreciated!

So i am meeting a nilla today. (canceled yesterdays nilla meeting in lieu of Daddy) Just a diversion. A chance to relax, share a few drinks, hopefully a few laughs. No pressure, no list of what i am to wear or say or do. Rather carefree from all appearances! And i am looking forward to it....

So the lil girl is off to chase butterflies, and hopefully get some much needed R & R in.

And the dance ends...

As confusing and disappointing as it is, the music stopped.

Too many issues, i just can't get my head around.

It was seemingly very good, all the control aspects firmly in place, the just right mix of D/s....

But it is not enough.

Drama can be a difficult diversion. One i wish to avoid.

So for this lil girl, we are back to chasing butterflies...

Wish i could just say an emotional attachment is unimportant to me, but that is just not true, not at all.

I need that connection, it is absolutely vital to me to have it!

So i go on with the search, one foot in front of the other!

Today....

Is it an ending, or a new beginning?

About a week ago i came upon a profile, it was fairly long, but i read it completely.

I saw in it glimpses:
daddy / lil girl,
control,
structure,
tenderness,
confidence,
strength,
and
honesty.

I sent a note, taking apart pieces and responding to those particular points.

And the dialogue began.

In just a few hours he will be in front of me, and i will know!

The conversation so far has been quite direct, he has pushed, often quite intensely.

i pull back, then push forward.

He releases then pulls tighter.

we are dancing in unison.

And it fits.

It feels so good!

Just one more step to go...

The hardest, most difficult step of all.

Looking deep into his soul, and KNOWING this is where i belong, knowing that it is he that i have waited for, searched for, craved for so very long.

I am scared.

I am excited.

Does the dance end here, or is it just beginning?

Tingles....

The beginning of a new week brings with it optimism, a sense of excitement and anticipation. Things feel good...

I am definitely much more focused.

It has been good to put the profiles under the covers.

It has allowed me to live without all the BS running circles around me.

I feel change on the horizon, and change can be very good. A necessary change for certain.

And with that change comes some rather intricate feelings.

The lil girl feels excitement, the woman feels safe. Its all good and exactly where they need to be!

calming the restlessness

It is amazing how easily i cave. I set my mind to "resist" and some how, from some where "submit" starts playing. I want to, but i don't! My mind tells me to hold back, protect yourself, and the next thing out of my mouth is "Yes Daddy".

The lil girl inside wants that safety, she craves that control, to release, to let go, to stop hiding, stop protecting it. She always wins! She is so much stronger than the woman that carries her, the woman who attempts to protect her. She jumps out of the womans arms, and right into rush hour traffic.

The woman is but an onlooker, hoping and praying she makes it to the other side unscathed.

And when the lil girl trips, bruises her knees, her elbows, the woman is there to pick her up, dust her off, tend to the wounds and carry her off to safety once again.

It is a never ending cycle.

The lil girl is restless, and the woman tired.

It brings to mind the "puppy play" time of the former relationship. The lil girl was happy, she felt safe, the woman was happy, she knew the lil girl was safe. It was just the puppy and R, the woman was no where to be seen. And when the puppy was all curled up at R's feet, she was happy, she was safe, she felt loved and cherished. She was free!

so as ideas go...

Yes nilla seemed the way to go, huh, well maybe it was just the wrong one but i sat there thinking what the hell am i doing here. Nice man, not bad looking, but god he talked incessantly about ... birds! I am now very educated in the local areas "endangered species" ugh! I couldn't get away fast enough!

Now i am thinking i need to hide my "nilla" profile too! I have an afternoon drink lined up for both Tuesday and Wednesday of next week and regretting both! Maybe i need to ask more questions like "do you have a bird fetish?" That thought had not occurred to me until tonight!

After today, i am even more convinced the beach holds some medicinal remedy for me! I spent the majority of the day there and although i am tired and sunburned, my mind is feeling much better. I turned the cell phone off and ignored all my text messages! It was nice!

I am relaxed and at peace, now figuring out how to stay there, that may be the trick!

Just Words....

I need you....

I want you....

I love you....

you worthless cunt....

They are only words, they evoke emotions, sometimes positive and sometimes not.

We listen to words, we process them, and then we store them.

Some words can make us fly "Good Girl",
some just warm our hearts "baby girl",
some can make us cry "you disappoint me".
Some are just annoying "i have no time right now"
Some have another purpose "touch yourself".

Whatever the words are, what ever the purpose is, our reactions to them are our own.

Some would not cry at "you disappoint me", but i would!

It is a sense of failure. As a submissive woman, i strive for perfection, most especially in myself. I want everyone happy and content! And when i sense a disconnect, it is a failure for me. I internalize it as something i did wrong.

And i pull back...

So much of this search is "word dependent" that it only adds to the vulnerability of who and what i am. I try not to let words eat me up, but they do. And some days it is good to "avoid" this world of words, and just turn off the chat, avoid the text messages and just listen to the music of the real life around us...

I think today is a good beach day....

simplicity...

Feeling a bit out of sorts today! Even considered crawling back into bed and playing hookie from work today! My brain is tired! I have been thinking too much! I am in some definite need of some good solid fun! A good strong long lasting ...giggle! The kind that makes your stomach hurt.

I have a nilla date set up for Friday.

The exchange was rather fun, very cerebral, spontaneous, full of wit and charm. He made me smile! Just what the Doctor ordered for this lil girl! No stress, no pressure. I am not looking at it in terms of 24/7. The concerns of "will i be safe" or "will my pussy tingle".... None of those worries!

Just a plain and simple.... date!

stepping out

Pl drove 2 hours to meet me, only to stay for an hour and turn around and go home. And again i am left feeling disappointed! He was sweet, funny, romantic but just no chemistry there. I was feeling a bit down last night when a friend reminded me of the 20 or so i have met, 70% have been dishonest about who they were, which is automatic elimination, and that only leaves around 6 that i just did not feel it with. So that makes it seem better! Its all how you look at it right?

So i am going to sit back, maybe do some nilla dating just to take up some down time. At least in the nilla world i have no expectation of anything happening. I have accepted the fact that nilla is not for me, but with all these Doms so far away, it leaves me bored, and much more apt to seek out trouble. So that is what i am going to do! Innocent meetings to occupy time!

I can never forget who or what i am. The slut always remains at the fore front of all i do or feel. And there would be no reason to delve into that with a nilla man. But i am bored, and in need of some excitement. So here i go....

Feeding the fire

A day off and i am excited. I am meeting PL today! Its just lunch, and nothing more than that, i am certain. But i remain hopeful! Nervous and excited and trying very hard not to have expectations. But my mind has its own will. It wanders off to these places, and i try as i might to contain it.

Yesterday i received a text from a former stalker. I had met him in August, again he was so totally off the mark of the pictures we had exchanged, and of course had lied about his age. He said he was 52, but was more like 62. We met at a little downtown bar, i was ready to leave after the 1st drink, something about him scared me, just did not feel good! So after i was finally able to get away from him, i came home to 12 emails! All telling me "he was to be my new Master, my new Owner" I was very polite in my response of No, but he did not rest. He continued to email, then text, then call. I ignored him, and that seemed to make him even more mad. He knew my name, and from that he found out where i lived. And i would get messages about what i was wearing that day. It was very scary! I changed my name on CM, blocked him on my new name, and finally after about a month he seemingly gave up.

Until last night!

At first i was unsure as to who it was. He called and i did not answer, the number was different. He left a message of how much he enjoyed meeting me and would love to "get together" again! UGH!

It is times like this that i so want to get off this train ride! But i know i need to persist, for it to be "completely right". The right mindset, the right chemistry, it needs to fit. I cannot settle. Its not like trying on a pair of shoes. If they are uncomfortable you throw them to the back of the closet, and wear another pair. These shoes are in my mind, the shoes i will walk for miles and miles in. I need to love how they feel, how they look, the color, the heel, the price. I do not want to go back to the shoe store and start over. I just can't!

This is my life, the life i need. Its not just a whim, or a "today this is what i want". It is much deeper than that! Its a burning deep within my being. One that i cannot just throw water on and be ok. It is more like one i need to throw twigs on, to keep it burning, to feed it, to let it flame.

Patience, persistence, determination, to stay steadfast, to not compromise my search. He is out there some where!

I found this, and think its just absolutely beautiful!

I Am A Submissive Woman

I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength. I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy. His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that he has my best interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and I do not want walls. His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has decided I need, and so I learn from him. My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me.

If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any physical pain could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish. I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.

His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.

author unknown

Freedom...

The purpose of walls is to keep your distance from those you do not want near you, whether it is due to fear, or discomfort from those people, you build walls, often many walls, as a means to protect yourself.

For me i can let those walls down only with trust, and only with those whom i am certain are not approaching with an agenda to benefit only themselves, with no care or concern as to why those walls are there or what they are protecting. The walls are a haven for me, a place i can feel safe, and unfortunately a place only i can control while i am on this search. I do not want to control those walls. I hate that i feel the need to have those walls.

But as a submissive woman, i am aware of my vulnerability, my naivety, my desire to jump heart first, to place his happiness first and foremost, only to have that exploited, or abused.

So i hang on, i watch, i listen, i analyze what is it that he is capable of, or wanting to do with that element of my being?

And when i know its safe, i begin to let those walls down, a little here , a bit there, until finally i can feel it in my very soul, i am safe. He is not looking to "harm" it, his concern is indeed genuine and sincere.

But isn't that why this lifestyle is so damn great? Its that unexpected, the unknown force that allows us to feel safe, to feel trust, to turn that over to some one else which allows us to "release" what it is that is holding those walls in place.

And as each wall comes tumbling down the feeling of freedom grows stronger and much more intense, not just for the one within the walls, but for both! That facilitates the "connect" between a slave and Owner. Knowing that the freedom his slave is experiencing is the freedom he has allowed her to feel. That he has brought her to.

It is funny to use the word freedom when referring to enslavement, but for me that is how i see it! It is a freedom to be who and what i really am inside, no pretense, no hiding behind the "good girl". This is me, this is who i really am. I am a slave and i love that i am a slave. I am a slut, a whore, a piece of property, here but for one purpose, to serve my Master! That is all i will ever be and that is all i ever want to be! That is where my freedom is found, that is where my heart can dance!

a few of my favorite things..

Favorite outfit: Naked with 5" heels, collar and butt plug
Favorite toy: see above
Favorite implement: flogger
Favorite song: Flyleaf - I'm alive
Favorite band: Nickleback
Favorite City: New York
Favorite place to visit: Nice
Favorite position: on knees and elbows
Favorite drink : Red Wine
Favorite place to be: The Beach
Favorite Actor: George Clooney
Favorite Movie: 9 1/2 weeks
Favorite Actress: Angelina
Favorite words: Good Girl
Favorite sight: smiling eyes of Master
Favorite food: seafood, ok its the 2nd favorite :)
Favorite music video: Madonna - erotica
Favorite Nilla feeling: barefoot in the grass
Favorite non nilla: Controlled
Favorite shoes: Gray strappy sandals 4" heels
Favorite mode of transportation: crawling
Favorite personality trait: the Freak inside
Favorite emotion: safe

On being a "toy"

There are so many different aspects which are so exciting to me in a M/s relationship.

In my former it was certainly one i describe as D/s more than M/s. Even though when i was there, i was certainly slave, he was my Master, i never felt the power was used to the degree it was offered. And over the 13 years things would change within the relationship, sometimes being very strong M/s based, and more often than desired, it would be almost vanilla. Although the basic foundation was always in place, that was never forgotten or taken for granted.

In the beginning it was all about the M/s. I would arrive on Friday night, undress except for my collar. He had taught me the positions. I knew them by heart. I would wait for him on my knees, arms bent at the elbows, hands forming a V and head on the ground inside the V, legs spread. He would enter the room, inspect me, and attach the wrist and ankle cuffs. Then the play would begin. He had his favorite implements, and i had mine. He preferred the crops and canes, i preferred the floggers. He was a major fan of orgasm control. He loved to hear me beg! He loved to see me squirm. And yes, i loved it as well.

I have never considered myself a masochist. My cravings were never the pain itself, it was always the control. I never thought "it would be nice to have someone flog me". My cravings were "it would be wonderful if he would use me". I never really cared how, that never mattered. However, anticipating how was always exciting!

So now i am simply floating, waiting for that place to land. No visions of who he is, but knowing, always knowing, i will be used!

Perfect Harmony...

Such a good girl for Daddy...

Ohhh baby girl you make Daddy so very proud....

Do you know what Daddy wants to do to you.....

Oh yes, words can do so very much!

I had a relatively normal childhood. A product of the 60's, both parents worked hard, we were what was considered at the time, middle class.

There was no abuse. There was discipline, expectations, routine.

So i have to ask myself where does this Daddy / lil girl desire come from?

Why do those sentences above just make me soak my panties?

I guess it really doesn't matter. But knowing the effect it has on me does!
Knowing my needs and my wants, defining them, fine tuning them, that does matter!
It doesn't change much, the basics are still in place.

Its like saying i like sunny days! Well yes i do, but not sunny and 40 degrees, i like sunny and 80 degrees! That i love! I can accept sunny and 70 degrees, but i want sunny and 80 degrees or maybe 90 degrees!

So i have answered my own question.

I know what i want, and that is why this search has taken so long! And no, being selective is not a fault, it is most assuredly an asset.

To settle on 60 and sunny, would be a mistake!

up there is a great place to visit...

i find it amazing to every day wake up and feel so "up there".

I always thought that as i got older my desires would become less, but that is not so. I think since i turned 30 i have become more horny then when i was younger. Much more wanting and needing.

Of course prior to 30 i was married, and had the opportunity to have sex as much as i wanted, nilla sex though. Dull, boring, missionary sex!

But in hitting 30, after i was divorced, the hormones kicked in, and now i would love sex 4 or 5 times a day.

And of course now i am single, that is just not possible.

Ah life can be so cruel sometimes!

So my mind wanders, i have visions of bondage, of being taken, of being used.

And that makes the "need" worse!

So i have settled into a routine of pleasuring myself. But it is just a band aid, it is only a momentary satisfaction. Within hours the mind takes over, and i see myself kneeling at his feet, with my collar on, legs spread, waiting for inspection!
To feel his eyes, to see his smile and there i go again, back up there!

Don't misunderstand, i love being up there. It truly is a great place to be.

But it makes this search that much harder, that much more needed. That much more painful.

I need to find the face in that vision. To see the definition of who he is, and not just the shadow, the outline of the man that owns me.

Its Just Life...

What is it about "control" that is so exciting?

I noticed yesterday while chatting with someone online, i was looking down, feeling very little girlish. I wasn't looking at the keyboard, just sitting straight up in my chair, head bowed, hands at my sides. Glancing up occasionally to see what he had written, send reply, then return to the position.

Is this a "learned" behavior? Or is it something which is just a natural reaction for me? It doesn't happen with everyone i talk with, just certain Dominant Men instill that in me.

It was blatantly obvious yesterday.

We were discussing Daddy / lil girl relationships, and it became apparent. I told him he made me feel good, but i didn't give him the details. I didn't tell him he made me feel like that lil girl. I just said "good". Simply good!

But i do love that feeling. Knowing he is in control! Knowing he has that power over me.

For a few minutes i dance to that music. I allow my mind to go there, my body to feel it, my pussy to smile with the rhythm of the dance. It feels good! It feels free.

But i come back, i know its not real, its just the internet. In reality, it can be so different. My meetings have taught me that. The music can stop on a dime. No matter how much i want to hear the music, to feel the music, it is not within my control, and not within his control.

It is just life!

As beautiful and awesome as it is, it does not move at our pace, at our demands.

We bend to its whims.

Always a reminder of what a gift life truly is.

The meeting

My plate is full.

It is time to re center.

I so detest making choices!

I completely suck at them!

Why is it so difficult to find the one to take them away from me? Never in my dreams did i think it would be so hard, so internally wrenching.


In speaking with the "maybe" hims, it sounds good, i hear the things i am hoping to hear, we exchange pics, i look at the eyes, at the smile, it all seems good! Then the moment comes, we meet, i wait for the feeling, the desire....

and nothing happens. All i feel is disappointment! Why couldn't it be there? Why couldn't this search be over? Am i expecting too much to feel that tingle? Am i really being unrealistic?

And i feel guilt. I have hurt him.

It is a horrible feeling that i have let him down. He is as hopeful as i, that his search has come to an end. That he has found his "one". The lil girl that Daddy so needs to take care of, to guide, to teach, to fuck, to punish, to cherish, to love. The dream is gone.

Time to step back and breathe!

on being owned...

It is a good thing to allow myself to "bare" it all on this site. How can it not be.

I do not hide this site, i stand here naked, my mind is open and in full view.

If i am too prideful to say what i feel, or for that matter what i am, then what would be the purpose of doing this in the first place.

Its about tearing down walls, walls that are used as a place to hide, a place of safety. Often it takes courage to allow strangers access. Often it can be humbling, and for me that is something i need. It allows me growth. And for the "good girl" that is a necessity.

I think back to the times when i was paraded in front of people naked at a lifestyle event, or the many times R would tie me to the St Andrews cross at the munch, or plant me on the sybian. There is something about hitting sub space in front of strangers that is very freeing.

It wasn't just the aspect of public humiliation, more importantly, it was about him, about the surrender, the letting go, about the trust.

It was looking at his eyes, and seeing how very proud he was, and knowing at that moment, he was where he wanted to be as well!

the beauty of a task...

For a submissive woman, there is nothing better than a "task". Especially a task that she enjoys.

So the task was assigned. So after the excuses were all dismissed, lame excuses they were, but the attempt was made. I did as instructed.

I went to the bag of toys and pulled out my most favorite plug in the world! The metal one with the pretty jewel in the end, followed by the nice tube of lube.
Yes the task was to wear the plug to work.

This has always been an area of extreme arousal for me. Well, let me take that back, not always. Not until my first experience with it over 15 years ago. Prior to that it was always a taboo in my mind, placed there by the ever so Catholic mother, who used to say "never let a man do that to you!"

But enter the former Master R, who would not hear of such a limit. And from that a whole new world opened for me. To say it is extremely arousing is really soft coating it, more like it sends me flying! Yes that is much more appropriate. I love it, plain and simple.

So, in following through with the task, it took no more than a few minutes before the first wave of orgasms came crashing through. So by the fourth wave, i was at work!

I do not recall ever walking into work with such a smile on my face.

It wasn't just the act itself which led to such intensity, it was the control behind the task. It was doing it for "him". Even if he wasn't there to experience it first hand, he knew what i was doing, going through, feeling. And that too was just as beautiful as the act itself.

Task are wonderful!

and silence pays a visit

It was destined to happen, i had hoped it wouldn't, but it did. IB stumbled upon my blog. Hmmm maybe stumbled wasn't quite the right word. If one searches and finds its not quite a stumble.

I write this to keep my thoughts organized, to look at things going on around me in a clearer perspective. I talk about the things going through my mind, the players entering and exiting, in the hopes that i can learn from them, that i can see clearer the issues, and then can deal with them.

I do often hold back thoughts that i am struggling with until i can put them down in a clear and concise manner.

But now i feel the compromise.

The need to hold back even more. One fright i have is saying i want this in my life and do not want that in my life, and then someone makes an adjustment, to fill that need. But its a temporary adjustment, or an untrue adjustment. And its not that i would withhold those needs or wants if asked. I am brutally honest with those in my life. But to make an honest decision of whether one "fits" you have to know the true self, and maybe he won't attempt to change those traits which first attracted me, i could only hope he stays true to who and what he is. It is those traits which have brought us to this point. But the thought is there, is he saying this because of what i wrote yesterday, or last week.

So instead of writing of my love for butt plugs, i am here analyzing the situation. Feeling half pissed that i ever mentioned a blog.

Ah the lessons i learn!

The Daddy Dom

Its strange but lately i seem to be gravitating toward the Daddy Dom types.

Is it the need to hear "good girl"?

Is it because it represents a more "loving" type of relationship in my mind?

Can all D/s or M/s relationships be defined in that context?

All those questions can be answered with a yes for me. I need reaffirmation that i am pleasing him, that is what sends this girl flying. Knowing that he is receiving "all" i can possibly give. Knowing that he understands the meaning of that. On the exterior, i am this tough NY kind of girl, but its really not who i am! Not by a long shot. This lifestyle allows me the opportunity to put the NY tough away, to reach inside and find that lil girl, to let her out and let her live, let her touch and feel life in all its beauty, all its splendor. But then isn't that the significance of D/s or M/s relationship as well.

So the new player on the block, is really an old player. We first began speaking back in September, but at the same time i was speaking with another, and opted for the other. But he has been a "regret" of the many "wrong" choices i have made. So i swallowed my pride, i groveled back to him, apology in hand. What he offers is basically all that i seek. The one segment of my checklist which isn't standing out with him though is the first one. Of course that is one which is extremely important. I do not remember in our previous conversations spending much time laughing, but we will determine that on Monday when he drives over to meet. Last time in our conversations, he was always too busy, no free time to meet. Now it seems he understands the window. He is aware he needs to push it, not assume it will always be open, and really isn't that what a good Daddy always does?

the moral slut...

Often i am asked to look within, to find patience and tolerance. Fortunately, my tolerance is growing, i wish it were my patience, but for now i will accept tolerance.

Tolerance is defined as a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own. On this journey, i find i am reaching for tolerance often.

Most of the Dominant men that i know well, have tremendous and often fragile egos. And often they are quite aware of that. So i have become quite adept at dancing around that ego, doing all i can to keep it safely intact.

But, occasionally one comes along which makes it nearly impossible to do the dance. And i feel compelled to open up, to tell him exactly who i think he is.

One of those crossed my path yesterday. And tolerance was no where to be found.

A few weeks ago i found myself in a rather dangerous situation with a man i referred to as AG. Of course i put the blame of the situation onto myself for allowing myself to enter a "space" i knew better than to walk through. I let my guard down.

So in my CM mailbox, i see he has written me a note. Fully expecting a letter of apology for his behavior, i open it and find, to my surprise, a note of introduction! What? Are you fucking kidding me? The man has forgotten how i was fleeing out the door?

So the tolerance flies out the window, and i let go, suggesting he has issues and needs professional help before he physically harms a woman, he is a predator. When a woman says NO it does not mean "take me", most assuredly upon the first meeting.

And i feel better!

I hope i hurt his ego!

But i highly doubt it!

He called me a slut that night. (like that would hurt me?) Yes i am a slut, but a slut for one and only one! I love being a slut, it is not by choice, it is indeed who and what i am. I love sex! I do! The nastier the better! I do not sleep with many men. I can count the number on one hand of those whom i have slept with in the past twenty years. Not many single women can claim that. It was not due to lack of opportunity, it was purely by choice. I am selective, i am careful, and i do have integrity. So i am a slut with morals!

But it is always my choice, and that night he was attempting to take away that choice from me, and for that i have no tolerance!

the warmth within

It is truly a culmination of the physical and mental when i lay in the sand with the sun drenching my body. It warms my soul and my heart to be there. I spent the entire day at the beach, It was 83 and just a perfect day. My ipod was turned up and the world was tuned out.

And finally at the end of the day, i saw some clarity.

I felt more focused.

I need to let things play where they may.

I love this life so, but in my search i tend to forget the beauty that lies ahead. I need to stop forcing it, to let it flow. To just keep it simple.

It is there ahead of me, and when it finds me, i will feel it, i will know it. It will effect me in exactly the same way the beach does, it will bring calmness and peace to my soul, a smile to my heart, and clarity to my mind. It will warm me from the inside out.

Nickleback:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yo3UdfEYGKg

First things first...

In my search i have found it is always quite helpful to know if the Perspective "one" has a FL profile as well, that tells me they are serious in their search, well more than most, and much less chance of them being a Wannabee.

So enter IB, who from all outside appearances seems to be as close to the "ideal" but with a BIG twist. He is a bit "extreme". Which is both thrilling and scary. A ton of energy, but honestly i think the fright out weighs the thrill! But i am also aware, i needed him to enter this picture right now to help provide definition.

He is very much into the humiliation, the objectification side of the lifestyle. Which when i let my walls down, i must admit is a turn on to a degree. But i do think (for me) i could not live 24/7 in that form. I find offense at continually being referred to as cunt, or an "it". Occasionally, in the right setting, yes it can be hot.

IB is searching for the "profound" submissive. This is basically described as the consensual / non consensual slave. In other words, you enter of your own free will but once enslaved, all choices are removed, you then have NO Rights at all. You cannot leave of your own accord, all limits are removed. The ultimate "control".

In one sense i look at this as being completely freeing. When choices are removed, it would certainly free your mind, allowing your focus to be in one direction and only one, on him.

Yet in the same thought process, i would ask myself, but what if... i were unhappy, not feeling "fulfilled", what would i do then. And the question raised previously, what would i do if he wanted to tattoo my face... ugh, no i do not think i could do that!

Yes the thought has entered this ones mind, she has researched it, spent hours upon hours considering it. But once again it comes back to "him".

First things first!