where my mind wanders...

It has been a while since i have even thought of how very much i miss it, but oh i do miss it. It is not the type of thing i can, in anyway, do for myself.

A deep deep craving i cannot "satisfy".

When the thought of it enters my mind, a warmth enters my soul.

Ohhh it is a nice feeling indeed.

When he puts me over his knee, my ass protruding in the air, he just teases me at first, slow directed slaps, perfectly aimed, perfectly choreographed.

The momentum builds.

The strength with which each one lands, the sting, a bit more each time.

Then he pauses to rub the redden cheeks, to feel the heat, to smooth the stings, only to return with more force, more determination, faster, harder strokes perfectly placed.

As the intensity builds, so does the desire, but he knows that, and that only adds fuel to the fire.

Yes, he is enjoying it almost as much as i...

finding the right flow...

I do reflect in my writing, the people that are around me at the time i am writing.

So if i am having a depressing day, i need only to look at who i am speaking with, who has had the biggest impact on me at that time, to determine why that is. It is often a part of our nature as submissive women to take on an almost "mirror" like quality of those in our life, (unintentional) even if it is just a minimal amount of communication. And as a submissive woman who is without that "Master" in her life, i tend to pick up many "mindsets" in the various chats. And those mindsets attach themselves to me and can either bring me down, or lift me up.

These past few days of "no chat" have been great for me, although an occasional one has burst through the lines, being aware of the effect it has on me has helped tremendously. Knowing the direction my mind is moving, and controlling the outcome is integral to staying happy and at peace within myself.

I had a very good discussion with V last night, yes V the unavailable sweet heart of a Man. He has so earned my respect. He has had the opportunity to completely take advantage of what i feel for him, to exploit it, but he chooses not to. He understands the responsibility that entails and readily admits, he is not yet ready.

To me that says a great deal about his character and the quality person that he is. And maybe that is the reason he has stolen my heart, maybe when i met him (now over 6 months ago), i some how knew that about him, i could sense that he was a worthy and capable Man of quality, of honesty and integrity.

Qualities that do not come along often. He has been around this arena for well over 30 years, from both sides, he knows what is involved.

So he is my "Poster Man" for what i seek in a Master, minus the broken heart of course.

However, as i have said before, if it is meant to be, it will be.

But meanwhile, i will continue to trudge through, learning all i can, experiencing all i can, living life at the highest level i am capable of.

But stopping every once in a while to chase butterflies, to not feel pressured, to let the child inside breathe.

Man Vs Master Part 2

My blog has been under attack lately by some sort of bug, so yesterday i spent the majority of my day, cleaning up and restoring my computer. Knock on wood it does seem to be working today.

So no one knew i had a date last night.

Yes just a normal go out and have fun date with C. I discussed C previously in my Man vs Master blog in January. He was the last man this girl "gave it up" to. He is a sweety, but nilla, with a touch of a memory issue. We went out on several dates over a month and a half but it would have been a few more, had he not "forgot" our plans. Of course that was not how he saw it at all. But regardless, the sex was hot, steamy hot for nilla, and i am not completely convinced he is nilla.

He calls me "lil girl", which as you all know just sends me flying into another world. When he kisses me he grabs me firmly by the hair and pulls me close to him, he has a tendency to "direct" the scene, just little clues that say "he gets it".

The ad he answered was on a nilla dating site, where i said i was seeking a 50's style relationship. With the ad, i had posted a picture of Betty Page. I had hundreds of responses in the 3 days it was up. The ad went up at 7 am he responded by 8 am, we met by 7 pm, and 2 days later i took the ad down. He was the only one i contacted from the ad. Things started very hot, although it was not until after Christmas that we actually slept together, but when we did, it was well worth the wait.

I have never discussed this "side" of me with him. But he has been staying in touch and last night, we got together again. Now we have "plans" not firm ones, but a kind of like "loose plans" for the week end.

So we will see where this plays out...

Meanwhile, i am still distancing myself from all the "potentials" i was speaking with. My messenger has been off. And i am rather enjoying that! There is no one attempting to "Dominate" me online, and it feels nice.

running off to chase Butterflies again...

Not at all unlike most bloggers, i spend a great deal of time surfing through and reading other peoples blogs.

Considering their experiences, comparing them to my own.

This morning after visiting  Sfp's my topic has changed.

I am absolutely delighted for her...

But that has not happened to me and i ask myself, is it me?

Then i roam over to Aisha's

And find this is more my CM experience.

This i am unfortunately, an expert at.

I begin a dialogue, and then within minutes or maybe a few hours, they are asserting their "Dominance"...

And i run...

They are left standing there saying "what did i do wrong? "

I feel like i could be any "submissive", and it would be the same words spewing from their keyboard.

I do not want to feel that way.

And maybe that is the "princess" in me that wants to feel unique or special, who is searching for that "unique or special Dominant".

Is that being realistic?

So i am taking a walk, stepping away, gathering my thoughts, off to chase butterflies once again.

and from within it comes...

Strength:

"the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
mental power, force, or vigor.
moral power, firmness, or courage.
power by reason of influence, authority, resources"

Yes being strong can be a great quality, but it can also have the opposite effect.

I often feel too strong, and wish that if only i were not of such a "strong" spirit, this journey would be so much easier.

I am at times a brat, a princess of sorts. I know what i want, and am unwilling to bend on that.

Unwilling or maybe its more incapable...

Either way, it is what i am.

When i attempt to loosen things, to soften the edges, to give in just a bit...

i get bit, some times hard, sometimes just nibbles, but enough that i retreat back to the strong minded, head strong Aries woman that i am.

I envision myself as this little girl, in a pretty little dress, hair in pretty little big tails, arms folded in front, and a big old scowl on her face, all because she can't have the pretty pony, or she needs to take her medicine ...

Its not that i want to feel that way, it just comes from frustration.

But from some where within, the strength of who i am as a woman, kicks in and whispers in my ear "patience" and it calms me, re focuses me and reminds me to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, and eventually i will get there.

elbow grease...

"I can't"

"if you don't try, how do you know you can't"

Words that resonate within me.

When there is something i want to do, but it seems impossible, i hear those words rumbling about in my mind, and from "some where" the effort springs forward.

To say i am at times, head strong and determined, is really putting it lightly.

So when i see a lack of effort from others, i put it in the "too lazy" or "not quite important enough" column, shake my head in disappointment for them, and move on.

So enter Dom GH, "i want to get to know you, to know what is inside that head".

"okay here is the link to my blog"

a week or two passes "have you read my blog?"

"No not yet"

hmmm the lazy Dom,, or perhaps it is just not that important ..... No Thanks!

To be a Dominant Man takes a tremendous amount of work. It is a never ending amount of work. There is no button you push and "now i will be a Dominant".

However, often when "speaking" with these men, it appears as though they think there is this magic button some where, and everything just falls into place.

But i am aware, much more so than most of them appear to be, of the effort needed to make things work, on both sides of the coin.

They think that if they say "this" i will do "that". And when it doesn't quite happen that way, it must be something wrong with me.

"It worked with the last submissive woman i knew".

"then she must have been much more submissive than me" >smiles<

ha ha!

And why is it that she is no longer a part of your life?

It amazes me how many former submissive women left their Dominants to "take care of a sick or ailing parent" or had a "job transfer".

I want to shake them, to tell them of the work it takes, to show them there is no button. It takes work, it takes energy and most importantly it takes Desire!

But then, that is not very submissive like, now is it....

growing pains

I started writing this blog for several reasons, but the main one was to help me become less "shy". I have a tendency to sit back and be quiet. To only answer questions i am asked, sometimes not fully answering them, just providing an answer that would be "good enough" to get by.

At least until i become comfortable enough to open up.

In putting information about myself "out there", when i am asked a question of a personal nature, and i know i have answered that question some where in this blog, it becomes much easier to answer fully and completely.

When the words are written here, there is no hiding.

I am standing here naked, completely undressed.

Open for inspection.

Exposed and vulnerable, it is in itself a form of humiliation.

A much needed humbling of sorts.

Its about the mind fuck, the mental aspects of D/s.

Which for me is the catalyst, it is the root of what i love about this lifestyle.

It challenges me to reach outside of myself, to place my need to be private, to be bashful, or reserved, beneath another ones needs to control.

In doing so, i find contentment, a freeing of my selfishness, of my inhibitions.

It is truly, growth.

Creating the image

It is a 1000 piece puzzle that i am working on, actually three different puzzles.

All have the Daddy quality that i look so intently for.

But of those three, only one makes me giggle.

If i say something to the other two and preference it with a lol, they say something such as "oh you find that amusing?"

And i have to ask myself, are they too rigid, too uptight for this one?

Or am i too "relaxed" for them?

It is important to me to feel like "me" around them. I cannot "pretend" to be the way i think they may want me to be. It just doesn't sit right with me.

Now this is not to say that i cannot suppress thoughts. I do that often. I spend a tremendous amount of time listening, analyzing, putting the puzzle pieces together to form the big picture.

And often those pieces that do not fit, end up here.

And i consider "is this puzzle one i wish to continue working on" or is it one of those that is just not right, that no matter what, the pieces will never fit.

The puzzle needs to be challenging, it needs to push me, but there is also a need to smile while creating the picture, otherwise it is just too frustrating, and it becomes an unwelcome chore.

Ah but that is really what life is all about isn't it....

living life in "normal"

Finding the place where i am centered, where my focus is on track, is something i have grown to value.

There are times when life seems to be moving at a pace way too fast for this girl.

I feel as though i am standing at the sideline just watching it go by.

It is a very helpless feeling.

So finding the place where the focus is not on "the search", is not only welcomed but certainly necessary.

Yesterday started at the beach, the place i love, the place where i can shut everything out and just "feel" the beauty around me.

And with the exception of a few text messages, i was away from it all.

I was a "normal" girl in a "normal" world.

It was a very nice day.

Today i find i am at peace, my mind relaxed, no worries, no pressures...

It is going to be a great day!

wanton lust....

I would like to report that my lunch date went well, but.. I can't.

We met, i was late 5 minutes, and he was annoyed about that.

But he knew the possibility of that was there when he set the time.

I was at work, i do not have a set time for lunch, i go when i can break away.

I did my best!

Anyway, we talked, we ate, we hugged good bye, yes hugged, not kissed!

Was there chemistry?

In comparison to others i have met yes, but in comparison to V .. No!

No burning desire for him to reach under my skirt, and play with my pussy.

Ah so life goes on...

And V? No calls, no emails, nada, nothing!

It is so me to want so bad the one i cannot have.

The one my mind wanders to when considering what i am looking for.

Of course, i gravitate to the emotionally "unavailable one".

UGH!

The beach is calling....

stroking the fire...

They came from all directions yesterday, putting me on the defensive.

Some i had met previously, but felt no connection with.

Others that i had simply spoke with, but never met.

All with the same message.

Telling me of the mistake i made by passing them by.

They were feeling rejected. Their egos dented.

Their motives clear, to strike back, to hurt me.

But by doing so, they simply reinforced my decision to move on.

Listening to my "gut" instinct has become a tool that i use often.

For that i am grateful.

Today i have a lunch meeting planned.

No unsettled feelings thus far. Just a twinge of excitement of what "may" be.

He is relatively local, and has been nothing but a gentleman to this point.

The discussion has been very "getting to know you" and not based on the sexual aspects. Although the degree that sex plays in this lifestyle is important, it is not the driving force in determining who "he" is.

So very many miss that.

For this girl, it starts with the "mental" aspects. I need to like the man he is first and foremost. If that exist, the rest will come.

My need to submit to him will never be based solely on what he does with his Cock, but rather his mind, his heart, his soul.

That is the place the "fire" begins, from there it builds, the desire strengthens, until it cannot be ignored.

The one for me knows this, he gets it!

The hearts venture..

I honestly do not think it is that difficult.

Understanding what most submissive women need.

Granted i say "most".

There are always exceptions.

I am no exception.

I protect my heart fiercely.

I am not unlike most submissive women, strong yet extremely fragile.

I run with my heart in hand, hoping not to stumble and fall.

I define the path, the speed at which i run, and how tightly or loosely i hold that heart.

If the path looks crowded, or convoluted, my grasp is tighter, more focused.

I am not careless with my heart, often finding myself encasing that heart with an endless amount of determination and fortitude.

It is not even remotely possible for this girl to spread a little here and a little there.

If i offer my heart, it is fully and completely, without restraint.

It is in doing so, in letting go of that heart, that my submission can flourish, that my freedom is found.

It is trust, knowing that you will hold it with the same care, the same reverence as i.

You will protect it fiercely as well, always mindful of the delicateness in which it exist, and the reasoning behind why it was offered.

which way is up....

In as much as i whine about this search, it has brought many gifts into my life as well. I know much more about myself then i did when i entered the search initially. The things i thought i wanted or needed in my life have evolved tremendously.

In the beginning i was basing what i thought i needed, on what was lacking in my previous relationships. And although eventually that helped to develop what was truly important, it was the wrong way to go about it.

By focusing on the past, the Dominant men i met were placed in a position of comparison.

What is so very neat about this lifestyle is the variety. Each and everyone has in their mind what they need or want. And you search for the "fit". Sometimes it may call for an adjustment here and there.

But by keeping my mind open, with a willingness to grasp the extent of those differences, i am awaken to new ideas, new thoughts, new journeys.

And there is nothing wrong with that ...

Caged words...

In looking at the responses i get at the various sites, initially i would receive hundreds a day. To say it was overwhelming is really a huge understatement. Now it is maybe 10 a day. Of those 8 or 9 are really BS and it is clear immediately.

I am approaching a year of truly throwing myself into this search.

I have made quite a few friends through this process, ones where i cherish their wisdom and knowledge. For one reason or another, we knew from the start that we were not a "fit". Usually it is a matter of distance, or age, or maybe "needs" were so different.

Some want to only "talk" and nothing more. And if time allows that is fine with me. But time is not something i have an abundance of.

Occasionally, one shines through, above the others. For this one i make time. He finds his way into my thoughts through out the day. Weaving a path, filled with twist and turns, and often a bit of a tingle.

I wake in the morning and he is the first to enter my mind.

And when i lay my head on my pillow at night, it is his image that lies behind my eyes as i close them.

And i wonder, does he hear the music too?

I would never throw myself "out there" and actually voice those words.

They stay inside, safe and protected. Always hoping the time will come to free those words, to let them feel the air, to release them from their confinement.

I have learned in this journey, that although the "tingles" present themselves, it takes so much more than that to be real.

The true reality is that until i can see his eyes, feel his touch, nothing truly exist beyond my mind.

Being different...

I received word yesterday that a friend was just diagnosed with Cancer.

I have lost two of my best friends to this horrible disease in the past 2 years.

It is something that hits home with me personally.

When i was diagnosed in 1998, it was a death sentence, one i knew i had no choice but to fight with each breath in me. Thirteen years later, all is well!

It makes me different. But not in a bad way, just ... different.

The image i have of that struggle, is unique to me.

I am aware of the strength i possess, and in that, i find comfort.

But for my friend, my thoughts are with him....

skipping off to the land of Oz....

Being extremely busy is sometimes a very good diversion for me. So it is a fair statement to say i am currently being diverted.

I had hoped to accomplish everything on my to do list yesterday, so today could be my day at the "beach" but it didn't happen.

So by next week, i am certain my mind will be in complete and total "need" for beach time. I will apologize now for my up coming blogs, probably by the time the week end hits, they will sink into a darker place, or maybe not. I certainly hope not, but as my track record goes....

I was asked yesterday to "reveal" my fantasies.

And in thinking about that, i really cannot say i have any except the one that i am on this "journey" for.

It is a fantasy, one that i do focus basically a majority of my energy on.

I have had fantasies in the past, and often, once they have been realized, i was left with a feeling of "not as good as i fantasized" type of feeling.

So the thought is present, in the back of my mind, that maybe this is one of those.

Maybe it will finally come to fruition and i will be disappointed! (ugh the lack of beach time rearing its ugly head already)

It can be compared to some of these "meetings" i have gone through. In my mind while speaking with some of these men, i say "yes" we are on the same path, the same wave length, then as suddenly as it starts, something like the case with CC comes up.

And i am reminded of the many different layers there are within this world of D/s.

I read some of the blogs out there, about various types of 24/7 relationships, and occasionally i picture myself in that situation and ask, how would i feel about that.

I look at some as being too "hardcore" for me, and i wonder "is that what she fantasized it would be prior to entering that relationship?"

To be pushed is certainly essential, otherwise it becomes mundane, and i have been there and done that already!

In reality i would say that is why i am so particular in "exploring" the various hims out there. It is my attempt to insure its the same path, the same ideals, to define the fine line.

But is that even possible?

I have no intentions of finding a "him" for the moment. Letting go cannot be a "until i feel otherwise" situation. It certainly can be for him, but not for me. How unfair is that?

And then i remind myself, i need to stop thinking too deeply on it, to let go and let life happen.... ah i need the beach...

Dreaming...

He grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me closer to him...

His hand forcefully moves up my thigh and under my skirt...

He checks for wetness...

Yes as the saying goes "you had me at hello"...

The intensity, the power, the control...

It is all consuming.

He is tender, he is confident, he is strong.

He has a way of just smiling with his eyes, you know you are safe in his hands.

He is Daddy, he is Master...

He knows where to find the lil girl, and where to take her...

He pushes the slut, forcing her to release more...

He holds her heart, meticulously protecting it.

She is free...

A day at work...

Occasionally when i am going about my "normal" day, things will "happen" that remind me of who i am inside. Often those little reminders bring with them a smile, or a warm feeling of contentment inside.

They are sweet, and always welcomed.

Yesterday i had the pleasure of that experience.

It was an exchange between a couple i was dealing with at work.

They were really a cute couple together, she was a bit on the silly side, the lil girl shining through from her, and he was most assuredly Dominant.

As i watched their exchange, the love between them very obvious, i felt honored.

Here we were in public, a very nilla setting, but their dynamic quite clear to me.

As i observed their body language, she would do something silly, and he would smile, almost blush, but you could see the joy he felt, the pride of ownership.

To the normal person, they seemed like a normal happy couple.

But it was blatantly obvious.

He would shoot her a "look" and she would reign it in. But always with a smile.

She was happy, she was content.

An air of confidence about him, his control leading them, he too was content and happy.

It brought to me some warm fuzzies inside. Just knowing how special their connection was, how lucky they were to have found each other, and how lucky i was to understand what i was watching unfold.

It certainly made my day at work much more enjoyable.

purposeful path...

"i am not a pain slut"

"then you are not submissive"

"oh? ... Good bye"

It amazes me how many men i cross paths with who have no clue.

For me the core of this lifestyle has absolutely nothing to do with floggers, or canes or whips. Nothing to do with sex, or pain, or for that matter the pleasure.

It is COMPLETELY about the mind. It is about the control, the "exchange of power".

Those implements are simply that, and nothing more.

The true pleasure comes from the mind, the heart and the soul.

Granted my submission is not something i can offer lightly.

I can not just offer my ass to the cane without first having the desire to offer my heart.

This lifestyle is not about sex, it is about trust, about the connection between two people.

CC is now a member of the "no, i am no longer interested" group."

The reason is, i told him i had a difficult time watching my Master with another woman.

He found that appalling.

He said that meant i was too insecure.

Yes i do have insecurities, and i am certain he does as well.

But in my mind, the fact that he felt that was so very important tells me we are on two very different paths. Mine mental, his sexual.

It is not saying his path is wrong, it is just wrong for me.

If there is one thing i have learned on this journey, it is how very difficult that "connection" is to find.

I do think many "settle" because the sex is great, and do not consider the most important aspects of the "connection".

And in the end, the differences become obstacles which they are unable to overcome.

And they float from Dom to Dom, or sub to sub, not quite understanding why.

But they take no time to look deep, to insure the "minds" are traveling in the same direction.

It is very easy to offer ones body, but to offer ones mind, ones soul, ones heart, that is truly the difficult part of this journey.

And because of the difficulty of the journey, i do feel when i do "find" what i am looking for, it will make things that much more appreciated. That much more worth it! And that much more unlikely i will ever "settle".

mmmmm lust.....

I am not certain where the "moral" attitude within me came from, but it is there.

I don't do one night stands.

It is just is not within my make up to go home with some one, screw their brains out and be on my way.

I think i enjoy the dance too much.

The looking within, the exploration, the lust.

I had a date Thursday night that brought me to the threshold of the moral dilemma.

It happened quickly.

a few flirtly emails and text messages, and the plans were made to meet that night.

Yes he is local (jumping for joy).

Yes the chemistry is hot hot! (more jumping)

And i was close, very close to abandoning morality and just "going" for it.

But i didn't.

I held tight.

He had plans to go away with his kids for the week end which is what led to the "hurry up" and meet.

But we have plans for Sunday night when he returns.

And after the sweet text yesterday, and the steamy titillation i have felt since Thursday night, i may just have to go for it!

Just "let go".

And if it turns out to be more than a one nighter, that will be wonderful.

However, I will attempt to not have "expectations" of beyond one night, to tread lightly, to not worry about the "beyond the moment", and just enjoy.....

on internet dating....

THIS IS GREAT ADVICE!




RULES FOR ONLINE DATING !!!



Rule # ONE , Always ask for a PHOTO

Rule # 2

Always ask for
more than one photo.

I love this! It rings so true with a few of my experiences on meeting men online.

Things are rarely as they appear.

There have been times in this search when i will communicate with a Dominant, and everything feels "perfect", i let him in, i submit.

I do as the good girl is told to do.

And as my submission to him grows, i start developing "feelings".

Months go by, we talk daily sometimes 4 or 5 times a day.

He has become the focus of my day.

I tune out everyone else.

We meet.

My heart sinks.

All those feelings i had, were nothing more than fantasy.

He is not the man i have created in my mind.

And that is why i do not submit prior to meeting anymore!

the discovery

I love the feeling when a Dominant can pull the lil girl out with just some simple conversation. It reinforces the feelings of how very much i need to be on this path.

It actually brings an inner smile. Who can't use some occasional fuzzies inside?

I guess that is what a day at the beach brings with it.

I love the lil girl inside.

She opens up the "freedom" to laugh and giggle, to act coy, to tease, to feel cute and sweet and carefree.

Her curiosity, her yearning and her innocence all instill a feeling of release for me, of letting go, of surrender.

I wish i could just stay in that world.

It is truly where my heart is happiest.

And what is really wonderful about this, is understanding this, grasping this, accepting it completely and allowing it to flourish.

This journey is not "all" about finding him, its also about discovering who i am and what drives me.

This is a very good step.

a day at the beach

It's a Beach Day today and this girl can't wait! It is her second most favorite place in the world to be!

I should wait and do the blog when i return because i know my head will be in a much better place, however, i like knowing i have completed it for the day.

Today i will be sorting through the various "possible" hims that are currently taking up space there.

First is TS, each time we get involved in a deep conversation, he gets interrupted by business. Last night was the final straw, he said i will call you in a second and after waiting 15 minutes i told him to call me when he has room in his life for "this". He did not respond back, so i assume he was not happy with that.

Next of course is V, i have had no communication with him since the thank you last week. Which is completely "normal" with him. But that doesn't mean i have not thought about him in great detail.

And finally we have CC, he is not far away, but the one i think of most often aside from V. He is funny, charming, attractive and intelligent. Yes that pretty much covers my list of desired qualities. However, i know he has played a great deal in his past, he has no desire to "live" it. He is much more a bedroom Dom. Remember that square peg i was talking about yesterday?

I do want to live this life, not just in the bedroom, but outside those confines as well.

I need my mind to be converged in the dynamic.

So there we go, food for thought for the beach.

the fine line....

This lifestyle is so diverse, there are so many different segments, and so many different levels within each segment. One should never find this lifestyle boring!

If it becomes mundane, there are issues somewhere within the segments.

Acting up or becoming "slack" is a sign that something has gone awry some where.

In my previous relationship, when things became stagnate, i would slack, fully expecting him to bring things back to where they should be. But when that didn't happened it was perceived as one of two things.

First was the guilt, he is unhappy and i have failed!

And second was the blame, he is just not strong enough to take control.

The truth be known, it was really neither scenario.

It just wasn't "right". It didn't fit.

I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

We both wanted it to work so badly, that we didn't see the "misfit" at the time.

My commitment in my search, is for it to "fit". To recognize the square peg.

Ha ha, it sounds so easy!

It really takes patience, and a strong willingness to look beyond whats in front of me.

Being selective, not compromising are not "faults" but rather confidence and dedication.

It is believing that it will fit.

Believing that it will feel right.

Not just "some of the time", and maybe not "all of the time", but finding that fine line.

Finding the balance.

Back to Basics...

Considering how very difficult this search has been, i am actually happy about all the realizations i have confronted.

There have been times that i have thought, this is just too tough, and i do not want to do it anymore.

It is difficult because it is also consuming. Extremely consuming.

But i am also driven.

I know what it can be like when it is good.

When you find that connection that works, there is very little on this earth that can complete you so.

I have missed that connection in my life. It leaves a void that nothing else can even remotely fill.

I miss having the "Daddy" to call when something goes awry or is causing me to question things.

I have friends that i can talk to, but its not the same.

I listen to them, but only half hearted do i trust in what they say.

Yes it is a matter of trust.

When you trust another completely, when you know without a doubt that they do have your very best interest totally at the fore thought of their mind, you listen, and you believe in their guidance, their knowledge of the best decision or choice is unquestionable. It is freeing!

That is what i miss the most.

To find that, is the driving force in this search.

But trust is difficult, it is a gradual build. You can never "expect" it, or demand it be there. When you do find it, you sprinkle a little here and a bit there and see what happens. If it feels good you add a bit more, if not, you withdraw or sometimes simply abandon it altogether and move on.

It is nice when it is there with no effort.

When you suddenly realize, this person knows, this person truly cares, with no strings, it is there.

Within the zone...

The comfort zone is a place of refuge for me. I always try to stay within the confines of it. Although as of late, when i dip my toe outside the lines, i always retreat back.

Sometimes the area of what is comfortable and what is not, becomes a bit distorted, and it is not until i am there that i can decide whether i am within the boundaries or not.

Tonight i am testing those lines once again.

Often I think i have no business being in the nilla world, it is not a world where i could find fulfillment. I would always hunger for the D/s world, to turn over the "control", to serve, to submit.

The need for a diversion quite strong, i took a brief leap into the nilla world a few weeks ago. I set up two dates. On the first, he was a cutie, very nice but a bit younger than myself, and the cougar feelings were not that comfortable to me. But #2, a bit closer in age, funny, sweet and intelligent. Comfortable! In this context i am not looking for the Dominant man, only the "Man". An innocent dating adventure with no strings, just a relaxing good time. A much more carefree approach and mindset.

Tonight is date #2 with nilla man #2. He is picking me up on his Harley and taking me to the beach for dinner. It has been 30 years since i have been on the back of a Harley. I am a much different woman since those days, however, i still feel the same level of excitement that i did then.

I am excited about tonight. I need to giggle, to be carefree for just a little while.

I feel no pressure, no stress, which is totally cool.

I am within my comfort zone, but certainly mindful that the lines are just inches away.

so the Date happened

I know everyone is on pins and needles waiting for my blog about Dinner with V.

So not to disappoint, here it is.

It started with my Lucy moment, took a right instead of a left and then i was late.

He was early!

The second i saw him sitting there, my heart hit mega speed! Oh god he looked great!

Even better than my mind had remembered!

A nice tight embrace, followed by a nice long sensuous kiss. The lil girl was floating. We talked, we laughed, we flirted.

Then he invited me back to his house. Yes the good girl let go and went along for the ride.

I learned some really wonderful things about him there. He showed me his life, the things that matter to him. We talked about his back ground in the lifestyle, which is much more intense than mine. Our marriages, our childhoods, our families. The type of things friends talk about.

But... we did not play! Not really. Small little things here and there. At one point he was sitting on the sofa and i was on my knees at his feet (fully clothed) but ohhhh did i feel i was at the place i wanted to be!

It fit!

I didn't tell him how bad i wanted him right there, but something inside me, kept telling me it!

Yes i am still smitten, even worse than i was before!

Then the good bye, i drove home, taking in each and every beautiful moment along the way.

Realizing also, he is still not ready!

And fully accepting the label of "friend".

Its a good place to be with him. I know that.

I considered dropping him a note, thanking him for such a wonderful night, but then thought it would be better to allow time.

And in my mail yesterday was a note from him, thanking me!

I almost wish he had been rude, insulting, and obnoxious. I could put him away and move on...

But .. when i think of the smile he brings to my heart, it is truly beautiful, he is just as i thought him to be, a wonderful, charming and delightful Man, who just so happens to currently have a broken heart.

But i have time.

And as i said before if it is meant to be, it will....

Reconstructing the core..

I was recently reading a blog about orgasm denial, and i must say i completely agree and relate to what she was saying. If i go without an orgasm, i become less sexual. The more orgasms, the more sexual. So what exactly is the point of orgasm denial?

So often in this "online" dating world, i allow myself to enter an almost "fantasy" world of giving a minor amount of "control" over to a man i am communicating with over an extended period of time.

Much less frequently now, than earlier in this search.

Yes i am learning...

And almost without fail they attempt to take it to this place of "cum for me". And always without fail, i reject the idea of having any of them "control" that aspect of my life.

Just something about being 1,000 miles away that loses the "connection".

And that does not translate only into the "orgasm" side, but also into the D/s aspect as well. Sometimes the focus becomes blurred or obscured in such situations.

And i feel that has happened to me here.

Neo Dom left a comment in my posting of 2 days ago, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have lost focus of what this journey is all about. It is about the "beauty", about the "love" between two people and the truly magical intensity reached in that D/s exchange. When love is the foundation, it does enter a world of such wondrous beauty, where you "feel" each exquisite thought or action with such intensity, that it touches the very depth of your soul.

And just like with the orgasm denial, when you go without it for extended periods of time, it becomes distant, it becomes blurred. And you forget the beauty.

So thank you Neo Dom for bringing me back to the "right" path, and reminding me of why it is that i am on this journey!

yielding...

I am missing my mark as of late. I feel as though i have jumped off my path, and on to another. Not sure what this other is, and i am definitely unsure if its a good one or not.

I think frustration is the catalyst.

I need to let it go where it may, and hope that the other end is a place of familiarity.

But to just let go and take the ride, stop fighting the journey and just breath...

I know where my goal is, that part is clear.

The unknown part is the journey getting there.

I have always thought i have taken the path of least resistance, but maybe that is just not true.

Maybe that path is one of moving blindly forward, of releasing things that have held me back.

I have over thought, resisted things which felt "different" or odd to me.

At times thinking, that is not me, that is not who i am, and quickly dismissing ideas outside the box.

So i am putting on the blindfold, and walking forward. Lets just see where this path leads....

blindly walking forward....

It was a delightful night.

Yes the Chemistry is there and it is real. However, i really am not sure if "everything" else is there as well.

But..... i always have to throw that horrible word in there, he is still not healed.

None the less, i enjoyed his company tremendously.

If it is meant to be, it will.

So moving on.

This is the type of message i get on one of the various sites i am on:

"I want to take from you what I want when I want without having to ask, much less seduce you. That is not to say I do not like to please a woman; I do, because it makes her fall ever more under my power and makes her smile all the yime"

Quite the letter of introduction, isn't it? What woman would not jump at that
offer?

Now he goes on:

"She does not mind being referred to in derogatory terms, and she cannot get upset when other´s subs insult her or abuse her. "

I can't get to this one fast enough. Because you know i do want to smile all the "yime".

I do understand what he wants, and actually it is not that far off the mark from what i want, but the packaging needs some work. Okay a lot of work!

And the truly funny thing is, on this site you can viewed who has viewed you. He never even took a few minutes to read my profile, therefore, he must have just randomly sent out this message. Oh so sad.

Yes, the day i can hit delete on my "meat market profiles", life will be good!

missing out...

The internet has brought so many changes to this lifestyle, it is just incredible to consider how we used to function with out it!

I honestly do not remember that last book i read that was BDSM related.

I read all the Beauty series, many of the Gor series, Different Loving, Screw the Roses, SM101, all prior to the internet. But since then, nothing. My reading time is now spent online. Delving through the blogs, following the links. If there is a subject i want to know about, i just enter it in the search and there i go, everything one could ever want to know right at your finger tips.

And not always are those sources what one could consider as reliable.

It really is sad, and for myself, disappointing.

Now when i do get the opportunity to pick up a book, it is usually not lifestyle related. I get so overdosed on it that i tend to avoid it when away from my computer.

And i worry as well. One new to this lifestyle would fore go the books in lieu of the "search".

And they will be deprived the experience of "feeling" those words as they pass through their mind.

Which for me was very much a part of my experience in entering this beautiful world.