Considering how very difficult this search has been, i am actually happy about all the realizations i have confronted.
There have been times that i have thought, this is just too tough, and i do not want to do it anymore.
It is difficult because it is also consuming. Extremely consuming.
But i am also driven.
I know what it can be like when it is good.
When you find that connection that works, there is very little on this earth that can complete you so.
I have missed that connection in my life. It leaves a void that nothing else can even remotely fill.
I miss having the "Daddy" to call when something goes awry or is causing me to question things.
I have friends that i can talk to, but its not the same.
I listen to them, but only half hearted do i trust in what they say.
Yes it is a matter of trust.
When you trust another completely, when you know without a doubt that they do have your very best interest totally at the fore thought of their mind, you listen, and you believe in their guidance, their knowledge of the best decision or choice is unquestionable. It is freeing!
That is what i miss the most.
To find that, is the driving force in this search.
But trust is difficult, it is a gradual build. You can never "expect" it, or demand it be there. When you do find it, you sprinkle a little here and a bit there and see what happens. If it feels good you add a bit more, if not, you withdraw or sometimes simply abandon it altogether and move on.
It is nice when it is there with no effort.
When you suddenly realize, this person knows, this person truly cares, with no strings, it is there.