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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the need

  In speaking with N today, his question to me was why slave and not sub?  My answer is i have been sub for 13 years, i was sub to one Master, but it was not enough!  It seemed too much about the "play", about the sex, but when the sex was done it seemed  to revert directly to vanilla. I wanted it to extend into the days following, to not end when the sex was over. I needed that control to go beyond the play.  We had the protocols, we had the control leading up to the play, during the play, but then, nothing.  I would return to my house, return to being Mom, return to my job, return back to reality.  But i ached for him to just take it, to not let it end, to push it beyond the play. That was a need, not a want!

  So if needs are not being met, where is the sense? 

  In the past 2 years that need has not diminished.  If anything, it has grown.  All that has changed is the face of the Master.  I no longer see his face in that need, but i have no face to attach to that need.  In my mind i see him, i feel him, that faceless Master!  His control, his power over me is all embracing!

  This is my journey, this is the path i am on.  And although there are obstacles, i continue to walk this path. At some point  i know the path will lead me to him, my mind is focused on that fact!

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