solar recharge...

I haven't updated the "line up" lately for good reason. I do not know the line up! It is truly in a state of flux right now. So when i know, i will share.

Today is my Friday, and i honestly can not remember when i needed a day off as bad as i do now. That was probably evident from my last 2 posts. I am usually very positive, avoid the dark, but that has been extremely difficult for the past few days. The darkness is there, choking out everything else.

I need the beach, i need the sun to drench me in its warmth. Its been almost 2 months, and my mind is certainly feeling the effects. My morning routines have been compromised, my goals cloudy. I feel i have let myself down. It is that submissive nature coming in to play again. The one that strives for perfection, and when that perfection is not felt, is not achieved, it leaves in its trail, an emptiness. A sense of self doubt. The sun is my drug, it works miracles! It instills focus, confidence and almost a sense of cleansing. It wipes the slate clean, allows me to start over.

I need the sun...

lions and tigers and bears....

I am standing in a valley looking up at the mountains on each side of me, trying to determine which mountain will get me to my truest destination. It may not be the easiest one, it may not be the smallest one, god i hope it is not that big one with all the creatures lurking about, with their big red eyes, licking their bloodied chomps, pacing back and forth in front of me. No... that can not possibly be the right one. I creep back behind the bush, hoping to remain invisible to them.

Meanwhile, i sit here in hiding, contemplating which mountain i should climb. I have no tools, no supplies, nothing but sheer determination. I know i am brave, i am tough, i am smart, but are those attributes, those qualities enough to get me there?

If and when i do arrive, what will be left of me? What will i have to offer? Or will the trip be in vain?

Letting go

This lifestyle is one that can be so very rewarding when the right two energies combine. It is scary at times, it is very erotic at times, it is very emotional at times, but the intensity can be compared to nothing else in the world.

I remember being in grade school, and doing the "trust" test where you are paired with another and fall backwards. Your partners "one" job is to catch you, to insure you do not fall. So of course, i being the class clown, am paired with the class prankster Jimmy. I knew there was no way he was going to catch me, he would attempt to find humor in allowing me to fall backwards and bang my head on the ground. I just knew Jimmy and his ways! So eyes closed, i let go and ... he was there!

So in my "today" world of my search for my Jimmy, i find it to be a daunting task. Too often i let go, and the person in charge of catching me, the one i have determined is capable, is distracted, or maybe not strong enough to catch me, and i fall.

Those bumps on the head seem to take forever to heal.

But i know how to get back up, to dust myself off. And i tell myself this time my Jimmy will be different, he will be focused, he will be strong, he will not let me fall, he will catch me, he will hold me until i am safe and sound.

I wonder is Mrs. Francis my 3rd grade teacher is still around. Maybe she can find my Jimmy...

The phone call...

Its a funky Friday for this girl. I am feeling as if i am having an internal fight within my gut. Never a good feeling! And so many times i have kicked myself for not listening to that feeling, for checking it off as "silly".

But the feeling is undeniably there. And i know the cause, i just do not know the solution.

Well not true, i do know the solution.

I know what i would tell a friend if they had this feeling.

"Go with your gut" There is a reason it is signaling you. Listen to it! It is a flag, a large RED flag.

So what brought this feeling? Something silly, as is the course for this one.
After talking online for almost 6 weeks now, JS finally called yesterday. Yes i heard his voice for the first time. No it wasn't the voice that planted the flag, he has a wonderful voice. It was the "restricted" that he used prior to calling. When i questioned him as to why, his response was "you may be a psycho" huh? me?


So the brakes have been pushed, the hand is on the shifter, reverse is clearly in sight!

Sparks...

"Toy, you come on too strong, too forceful, calm down, let things flow...."

Yes i cannot disagree, i am a strong woman. But for me, it is my protection. Its this shell that i keep myself cocooned in. And for a Dominant man, i could see where this may be a bit challenging, however, i want a man that can view a challenge as being a positive. This lifestyle is not about sex to me. It is about the energy that moves from him to her and back to him. It is the mental aspects, including the erotic desires that swirl about in ones mind while thinking about him, or seeing him in person.

There have been times that while chatting, those thoughts, those images have shown themselves to me, and yet when we meet, nothing! Just a big brick wall of ... well Bricks!

And i am mindful of those experiences. The mental part can be great, but it in itself can not sustain. There needs to be a higher force present between the two energies that facilitates the flow.

And that is something no one can control!

Assume ... Nothing!

So i had two meets scheduled today. Both set up four or five days ago. The first was Mr M. Going into the meeting, i honestly thought 15 minutes tops, he is going to be dry, no sense of humor, pocket protector type. Boy was i ever wrong! He was very charming, witty and quite inquisitive. I must say a very pleasant surprise! It ended up being a two drink meet, which is extremely rare for this girl.

The second one which i had high expectations for was JH. I began speaking with him about a month ago, but then came the holidays, we got busy and never set up a meet officially. Then about a week ago he called asking if i was still interested. Of course i was a week ago, so i said yes, and plans were made. First for 8 pm tonight, then when i checked with him at 6 he moved the time to 8:30. No problem. So i go to the designated location, and wait. Now this one i thought, was going to be the "good" one. Ha ha once again my expectations were crushed. I finally received a text apologizing as something "weird" happened and he would not be able to make it!
Grrr...
Weird?
Like maybe your dying?
At least in the emergency room?
And you didn't know 10 minutes before the designated time that you were not going to be able to make it?

Next....

But Mr M, ah Mr M, sent me a message asking if i would be game for a second meeting! Yes i am game, bring it on!

And for JS, well not really sure what happened to him today, we were chatting, discussing some very important details like the color of my panties, then "poof" he disappeared, never to return. He swears he is not married, but that thought has occurred to me more than once. Like this past Sunday with out a word?
So i am trying to move slow and not have expectations there.

Because, we know how well that works out....

The dance

Seduction, the well choreographed dance. The smoothness both apparent and welcomed. It can fill you with emotions from all levels, it grabs you and pulls you in, and then, just as easily delivers you to a completely different place. And in the process you are compelled to keep your eye on the dancer, the graceful moves, the expressions in her eyes, you're drawn to the dancer, you can feel what she feels, as she tells her story.

me: i must have been asleep
when it was decided you were my Dom?

Him: now that brought a hearty chuckle

me: yes it did

Him: True, it has not been officially decided, but
I believe, and you must agree, we are clearly heading down that path...

Yes i do agree, but it is not right around the corner either. It takes time. It is not a decision to be rushed. I need to be certain. I need to know he is as serious about this as i am.

Gripping tight....

" good morning MKLS "

" Ah Good morning my sweet Sir "

Yes a nice start to the day! Nothing like a little erotic chat to wake one up in the morning.

Lately my mind has been envisioning a bit of "over the knee". I love OTK, i find it to be a very sensuous bonding between a Man and a woman. So the thought alone stimulates me to a level of major arousal. JS and i (Formerly Cutie J, yes i have shortened his name) have discussed it on several occasions, and it is a common ground for us. He loves the control, and i love handing over that control.

And really, isn't that what it is all about?

We have discussed our likes our dislikes, my fears and insecurities, his desires, and "our" needs. We have discussed past relationships and what was wrong or what was right about them. It is a "learning about each other" stage, slipping my toe into the water to test the temperature. Now i think the water is about knee high, but the temperature is perfect. But still my hand is gripping tight to the sides, not quite ready to let go, to dive in, to release my grip. I know i need to hang on, just a few more weeks until we are in each others presence.

I love the feeling, the unknown, the hope, the inspiration.

And i know it is time to hide my profile on CM again, to put it in the closet, and close the door. And this time i hope i never have to open that door again, except to eliminate the clutter, to take out the trash. That day will certainly be one of celebration!

And the mind is located where?

And Monday starts on a high note with the MLKS message, just to bring a smile to my half asleep soul. Life is good!

Enter new guy! He had his profile on CM, it read so nicely, speaking of the "mental" aspects, yes i think to myself, we are on the same page. A few emails later, phone numbers exchanged. I explain its late, it needs to be short.

He replies "Yes, short just to hear the voice".

Then he starts with "so tell me what you like to do to your Master".... ugh Back up!

I thought you said "it wasn't about the sex, it was about the mind"

Visions shoot through my head, he is laying there naked, phone in one hand, other hand is well.... lets say "holding his mind"

Yes, it is really clear to me at this point. The profile was taken from a book, "what to say to get laid" or from anothers profile, cut, copy, and paste!

Where ever it came from, it did not come from this mans mind... or maybe it did!

The nitty gritty...

The week end is winding down, and with it so am i. When i am overly busy i seem to be overly stressed, so its always nice to "close" the week end. It is a time to re-focus myself, to plan the week and to set my goals for the up coming days. When i complete those goals, it is a very satisfying feeling inside. However, if something gets neglected, or i have no time to complete that particular task, it is a let down. So i try not to reach too high, but always mindful that they are goals and goals need to be set! It is part of my nature, that submissive nature, that pushes me always to do the best i can! And in failure, it is also that same nature that fills me with remorse, or with guilt.

And that is the root of my need....

So the entire day, not one word, nada nothing, from cutie J, this is probably the first day in a month that i have not had some form of communication with him. I am attempting to hold tight to that ever elusive virtue of "patience", but it is difficult. I miss not seeing that MKLS message from him. That is the pet name he has for me (my kinky little slut) I do love seeing those letters appear on my puter screen. It sends a "sweet" feeling tumbling through my body, and what girl doesn't want to feel that.... But i still wonder why he has been staying distant lately. But i will not ask, i will find patience from some where... ugh!

just breath...

It is really is a great world we live in. I can complain about my search, about all the idiots and morons i crossed paths with. But in the end, that i am able to even pursue my dreams, is in itself glorious. Sometimes i have a tendency to forget how wonderful life can truly be. I get busy with work, things at home, family or friends, and i forget to breath. My blog is my breathe. It allows me the opportunity to examine things that are important to me. I am free to dream, to fantasize, to live life to its fullest.

Just Breath....

So the line up has had some considerable shake ups this week. Cutie J is still the leading hopeful. Although, my conversations with him lately have been sporadic to say the least. Those stolen moments that we have shared, have been really nice. He does have the ability to "hold me" in his words. And with those words, i do see small glimpses of the man that he is. Rarely will he show them to me, but when he does, they sparkle!

And i am happy!

So new to the list this week we have added Mr. M. I first spoke with him back in October, and at that times my mind was focused elsewhere, so he basically fell to the side. Then this week he found his way back. So i have included him as i do intend to take a closer look this time.

Then in the 3rd spot we have FM, he is new this week, and from the few emails we exchanged, he is also looking quite interesting!

And of course, still hanging in there in fourth is N, although i was quite blunt with him in explaining an ocean between us does not allow me a serious thought of pursuit. So i will keep him in there for now, however, i think he is falling into that "friend" category. But friends are always good too!

My Dominant checklist....

So in considering what it is i need for him to be, for me to feel as though i can take that leap of faith, this is just a few of the vital traits, or questions i need answered or asked. There are traits which go with out saying, dominant, strong, certainly very kinky, creative, younger, not bitter or negative, intelligent, and definitely without question he needs a sense of humor.

1. did he make me laugh

2. did he bring a smile to my heart

3. does he make me feel like the lil girl i am inside

4. has he been honest with me

5. do i trust that what he is saying is coming from his heart, and not a website explaining what to say to get laid

6. Can i feel the power that he has over me whether he is near me or not

7. would calling him Sir feel Natural, calling him Master

8. is his life in control

9. is he strict yet mindful

10. is he capable of truly looking at me and my actions, understanding them and dealing with them as need be

Now realize these are my "needs", there is nothing written in stone anywhere that says this is who you should be, or who you should look for. Each person has their own needs their own wants, but for me, this is what i need. And it would help if he looked like George Clooney too!

grabbing the thorns while reaching for the rose...

 It started about a week ago when i received a message on CM from a "local" Dom.  I responded a few days later and said i would be interested in exploring.  This morning i heard back from him, and in a flurry of emails, i gave him my cell number.  Plans were made to meet tonight, so i rush home from work, do a quick clothes change, a bit of make up and 20 minutes later out the door. We are going to refer to him as AG (use your imagination as to what that stands for) Well first AG is late, never a good sign! Now keep in mind i worked 9 hours today, then drove 30 minutes away to meet him at a place directly a crossed the street from where he lives.  Things were going smoothly, we talked, but i just wasn't feeling that desire to drop to my knees, but being the optimist, i think more time with him, maybe then the feelings will just magically appear. So trusting idiot that i can be, i accept his invite to go to his "studio" to see his work.

  Five minutes there he is on me like flys on dodo! I protest 6 maybe 7 times, told him i am not comfortable, somehow in those words and in the word NO, he hears i want to be "taken". So as i am fleeing for the door he is screaming "stop pretending to be submissive".  So i guess if i were truly submissive i would just lay down and spread em.  Oh my, where do these men come from?

 Are all the men on CM simply horny beast?  Where are the Masters? I did the alt thing and it really was no different, other than i had to pay to have the privilege of meeting "those" types.  Ugh!  I feel like i am beating my head against the wall! 

I need some hope, i need to know that what i am seeking is not a fantasy that i have created in my mind.

Well there is always cutie J....

the message?

Dreams can be so funny sometimes.  I rarely remember my dreams, but this morning i do.

I was testing giant, now i mean giant vibrators. But i was not allowed to put it on my clit or anywhere near my pussy. (M/s undertones?)  Also in the room was a couple, with their kids intermittently walking in and out of the room. (guilt?) I was dressed only in bra and panties as i held it on my thigh.  The end of the unit looked more like a tongue than a cock, and it moved like a tongue as well. And some how in this dream, i reached orgasm.

So is this some repressed feelings of my bisexuality coming through. I have always had an appreciation for the beauty of a woman's body. I have over the years had several "playful" relationships with women. But i never felt the mental connection with women that i have felt with men.

Or maybe its just because i am soooo horny...

it is all good...

Yes patience is one of those things that i struggle with constantly!  Honestly, i do not know where one gains it, or loses it, or why some have it and others do not. But i do know, i have none!  Yes cutie J has gone no where.  I did not chase him away.  Cutie J doesn't sound very domly does it?  i may have to change that if it ever gets serious!  hmmm will have to think of another name.  Something a bit more appropriate.  So the list is slimming down considerably. E is gone, broke the news to him today that we are not a good fit! So that leaves cutie J and N, but again N is so far away, he really doesn't count. Although he and i did skype yesterday, which was fun!

one of my all time favorites by Guns N Roses, Enjoy~

http://www.vevo.com/watch/guns-n-roses/patience/USGF19855704

the fine art of patience....

 There are days when this "search" is such hard work!  It feels draining!  Yesterday i had a great (so i thought) conversation with cutie J.  I put myself out there to him, opened up about my needs, and .....   i think i scared him! This is the first morning in 3 weeks he has not sent me an early morning message, welcoming in my day.  I welcomed those messages.  They were always sweet, and filled with sentiment!  Initially i took them for granted. reading them and closing them. Then after getting to know him a bit better, i would read them, take in their meaning, and respond in kind. Today, nothing!   Is he thinking about all i said to him yesterday, taking it all in?  I did not say anything like i wanted to go pick out the new wall paper for our new house or anything of the sort. I just told him i need him to take control, to be strong and unwavering, to not allow me to control anything.  I told him i was not looking to get married or be a girlfriend, what i want, what i need, is purely to live a D/s existence. (and yes that is putting it mildly but i didn't want to scare him and say M/s existence) I had questions on his true level of experience, but i never asked for details.  He had a very creative mind, and a very attractive sense of humor which i certainly found quite fascinating. Ah patience! 

the need

  In speaking with N today, his question to me was why slave and not sub?  My answer is i have been sub for 13 years, i was sub to one Master, but it was not enough!  It seemed too much about the "play", about the sex, but when the sex was done it seemed  to revert directly to vanilla. I wanted it to extend into the days following, to not end when the sex was over. I needed that control to go beyond the play.  We had the protocols, we had the control leading up to the play, during the play, but then, nothing.  I would return to my house, return to being Mom, return to my job, return back to reality.  But i ached for him to just take it, to not let it end, to push it beyond the play. That was a need, not a want!

  So if needs are not being met, where is the sense? 

  In the past 2 years that need has not diminished.  If anything, it has grown.  All that has changed is the face of the Master.  I no longer see his face in that need, but i have no face to attach to that need.  In my mind i see him, i feel him, that faceless Master!  His control, his power over me is all embracing!

  This is my journey, this is the path i am on.  And although there are obstacles, i continue to walk this path. At some point  i know the path will lead me to him, my mind is focused on that fact!

On my way to a concussion....

  I am home today battling a wicked sinus infection, actually took a pain pill last night and still feeling the effects. So the update on the cast is as follows:  in 4th is N where he has been all along due to the distance, 3rd ken doll (placement unchanged)  2nd (now here is the change) E, my reason is because i am starting to question his integrity.  (as my friends words resonate through me, about not fitting into the mold that i have created)  Its not that cutie J has done such a good job of impressing me, its just that E has done such a good job of NOT impressing me. I am questioning E's authenticity.  So if the gut is saying something, one needs to listen!

 As submissive women, we are in such a vulnerable position, and with that understanding comes the strong will to be certain, to not allow anyone in until it feels completely right!  We are rather closed as we test the water.  First we stick our toe in, when it progresses to a point we feel safe, we stick the rest of one leg in, when that feels comfortable we add the other leg, then we just dive in!  Sometimes we bump our heads and come back up running for the shore.  Other times we stay there to see what lies beneath the water, exploring the very depths.  Taking our time, enjoying the feeling, the beauty of it all! We are filled with hope to reach that point, every day the need to "dive in" is ever present. At times it feels consuming! But we know the chances of bumping your head far outweighs the chances of finding that beauty worthy of exploration. But we gamble, we put ourselves out there knowing the risk. Knowing the bruises and the bumps will eventually heal, it is worth the risk to find that one beautiful oasis!

i don't think so...

  Very interesting conversation this morning.  I was asked to ponder how i would feel if after finding "him", after surrendering all to "him," he decides i need a tattoo on my face, what would i do? In the world of a "profound" slave i would have no alternative but to have my face tattooed.  However i do believe that prior to getting to that point, i would have an understanding of "him" and his wants and expectations.   i would need to consider the ramifications of such, like employment, family etc.  Great food for thought though!

  So i again have spent way too much time in instant messaging.  Having spoke with all the "cast" members in the past day or two.  And the list remains unchanged, however, order is changing.  E is still in the lead but cutie J is moving up. He is now in a close 2nd. Ken doll is moving to the 3rd spot and N retains the bottom (of course distance is always a factor with him) Although Ken doll is gorgeous, not certain he has the strength this one seeks. Cutie J however is asserting himself, showing me more of who he is.  He is funny, intelligent, in control, knows who he is, but i am not certain yet that he knows what he wants.  He knows what he "thinks" he wants, but i am not convinced of his complete awareness!  Patience.....

Ten minutes of bliss

  Last night while getting ready for the munch i start a conversation with a local Dom, we will call him OS, 50 years old, just moved to the area, does not know anyone here...blah blah.  Of course lil miss fix the world and make it a happy place, agrees to meet for a drink tonight!  Even though she is functioning on about 4 hours of sleep, and worked a 9 hour day today, she will be nice and meet him for a drink.  Rushes home from work, jumps in the shower, changes her clothes the proverbial eight times to find the "just right" look for the night, speeds like she is in the indy 500 to get there, and...  i kid you not.... he was 80 years old!  Now, there is lying and then there is just plain insane!  Saying he was 50 was not lying!   I was looking for the walker because surely he must need one at this age and condition.  He could not understand my fury, why i would NOT stay and have a drink with him!  UGH!  So the OS i have named him stands for my reaction when i realized who he was! Oh Shit!

 So the munch last night was basically another disappointment for me!  Maybe 50 people, Dom to sub ratio 1:20!  So in other words, there were 2.5 Dominate men there last night!  Yes that is correct! Needless to say, i was home by midnight!  At which time, i proceeded to speak online with a few from CM, OS being one of them.  Surprised he could stay awake that late but he did, waiting for me to return from the munch, to hear all the sordid details!  So i end up finally going to sleep around 3 am only to wake up at 7 am to go to work today!  Big mistake all the way around. 

 However, (now for the good part) 10 minutes before i am to leave for work, i get a message from E, that was undeniably the best 10 minutes of my day! Hated to leave, even considered not leaving, calling in late, but i was such a "good girl", floated off to work, thinking of our great conversation, wishing i could have had more time, and thinking of all the images he had planted in my mind.   He just feels "good" from every angle!

this moment...

  Living in the moment is all about not looking at the past, nor looking forward to the future, it is right here right now.  So why is this so damn difficult?  I am happy in this moment, alone or maybe lonely, but happy.  However, my mind strays, it wanders between the past and how i envision my future.  Rarely am i living in the moment!

  The past is treasured, it is not mistakes or should of, would of or could ofs.  It was good, i learned a tremendous amount about who i am, and what i need in my life.  It was all necessary to get me to the path i am on now.  The path that test my patience on a daily basis! I love learning and the realization that evolves from learning. The lessons precious and limitless, have sculpt  my needs and wants into a much more visible goal. I can see it, i know its there, and constantly i am reaching for it, but never really touching it. Maybe if my arms were longer, maybe i could grab it, hang on to it.

Once i do, i will not let go! 

The new cast emerges

 For the past 2 hours i have been in instant messaging. (i know new years resolution broken already)  We now have new faces in the stands.

 The first is cutie J. He has a tendency to wait for me to come online, at least that is how it seems to me. He is always the first to say good morning to me. We have been talking off and on for a few weeks now, and up until this past week, it was always in general terms.  But now he wants to look deeper.  I see him as having a very good sense of humor, very important to me, some what interesting, although he hasn't shown me a great deal of himself yet.  I went on cam yesterday so he knows i am real, not some old man wanking off to the conversation. He lives relatively close, an hour maybe two away. And although our conversations have just started to touch the surface of the lifestyle i have a good feeling about him.

  Next character is N, he unfortunately is half a world away!  Yes that equates to another Continent. Although his english is really pretty good, every once in a while, the wrong word is substituted but i understand the general meaning!  The idea is romantic, however, the reality is not, but i will enjoy it while i can!

  Next is Ken doll, gorgeous man.  I maybe fighting my gay friends over him!  He writes nicely, very smooth.  We have exchanged several emails, probably about 20 or so, but again he lives on the other side of the country.  Another Cali Dom!

 And finally we have E, probably the most interesting of all. He is very much into the mental aspects, as am i.  Seemingly quite serious in his search, as am i.  Knowledgeable, attractive, intelligent...  This is the one that grabs me. I can feel the pull! 

 Tonight is the munch!  For that i am overflowing with excitement!  Just getting out amongst the fellow kinkster is always a good thing!  I work late tonight and early tomorrow, so it will definitely be a tough day tomorrow sleep wise, but hopefully, worth it!  My mind is wandering, will V be there, will R be there with his new lil girl, what will i wear, shall i go for the lil girl thing or the sexy hot thing!  Hmmm just not sure yet! Think i will go shoe shopping and decide then!

Monday morning blues...

  Yes i know its really Thursday morning, but its really my Monday, my days off just flew by...

 And tomorrow is the munch, something to look forward to! Although its a different crowd then it was back in the days i would attend often, every once in a while a familiar face appears, making me feel less uncomfortable! 

  Its been way too cold to hit the beach, so my mind is in a very odd place. Its not a good place, but not a bad place either.  Its been an emotionally off balanced week.  Many highs and a few lows, but it does not diminish the hope that i hold so very tightly each day.  Maybe today will be the day our paths meet, maybe i will see his eyes from a crossed the room, and they will devour me.  One needs to have hopes and dreams, or we become empty shells, just living life but not really feeling life.  I want to feel, to feel his touch, to feel his control, to feel his pleasure within the deepest part of my soul.  I need to feel ...
THAT .....
life!                                                                                          

The head strong submissive...

  If the Aries seems brusque or disinterested it is because her mind is set on a goal that entirely absorbs her energy. Anything that interferes becomes an annoying distraction. Once the Aries sets her sights on someone or something, that becomes an urgent and immediate priority. If you are that goal, you can be sure that you will be showered with a love that burns as bright as the sun, and you can expect to be blessed with the greatest fire of devotion.


  I was speaking with a friend telling him of my struggles of the week when he told me i have a tendency to hold onto high expectations.  And i do not disagree with that at all.  He thinks that in the "getting to know you process" i am very unforgiving.  And here is where we disagree, he thinks often in this phase, that i am too quick to judge, too quick to dismiss!  That my mind is focused on what i "think" i need.  And not opened to other possibilities.  Well, maybe, I am an aries woman, very head strong, but honesty is not an area of compromise! How can it be in this lifestyle? If one is not honest in the beginning, he surely will not be anywhere else in the process! I am honest to a fault, if A had asked if i had other plans to meet other men, yes i would have confessed to plans with J, why would i want to hide that?  Why hide anything?   If A had simply said he had previous plans to meet other woman, i would have been completely fine with that!  But he opted (whether it was to avoid misconceptions or not) to make up a story!  I thinking sticking to my ideals is the best for me!


  In my mind, there are only a few things i feel are a necessity for me to be content. Honesty, communication, responsibility, and chemistry.  They are absolute needs! And although they encompass many other elements within each one, i just cannot bend on them.  I would rather be without than to sacrifice any of them!


 I think it would be different if i were merely looking for a "play" partner.  However, submission to me is not something i can just call upon and "poof" its there for anyone or everyone.  With R it was there in the beginning not at first site, but almost. When i met V it was there, i felt it in my mind, my heart and my pussy!
So i will hold out until i feel it again, i have to believe it will come again!

I hate being right

 But it just so happens i was!  I just cannot move forward in anything if there is no chemistry!   It really is just too bad too, cuz no chemistry J is just so perfect!  I hated having to tell him i still did not feel anything for him. Ok so maybe he is not perfect, he is short, actually shorter than me.  I thought it was my 4" heels but no he is short!  Not exactly sure why that is a hang up for me but it is! But that is not all there is, that is not why there is no chemistry!  Who can explain chemistry, either its there or its not and it was not!

 And also now A is well aware of my faltering feelings towards him.  All i could bring myself to say to him today was that dishonesty was something i am incapable of dealing with!  No details of how i knew he was being dishonest, he probably thinks i am some sort of loon!  Oh well!

  So just to recap, i have blown through 4 men this week alone! At this pace i should be able to find him in no time at all!  Certainly by the year 2020!  So time to re activate my profiles!   Or maybe i should wait a day or two.  This just doesn't seem like it should be so damn hard. I am attractive, intelligent, probably not as submissive as some would like, but i am well aware that for the right one, i am! Its just a matter of finding that right one and so far CM does not seem to be the answer!  So many there who really have no clue.   This is not about sex!   It is soo very much more than that!  It is a state of being, a culmination of the mental, emotional and physical.  I am spoiled because i know what it can be, given the right two people in the right situation, it can be more than one could ever dream of!

 It was funny driving home tonight i drove by this little adult book store.  It brought back a flood of memories of R and all the little porno shops we used to stop at, buy a new butt plug, alittle lube, insert it and wear it home.  I would be sitting in the car just dripping in pleasure, hips swaying, smile ear to ear, unless something else was occupying my mouth! Oh yes they were good days....

No sun brings this to my day

Stumbled upon this from a listing in Fl, enjoy.....


30 seconds to Mars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdgBKXow-3Q&feature=fvsr

what the day may bring..

  As usual A is simply no different.   Although i have hardly spoke with A in the past few days, i did do a search on him, and found an interesting tidbit.  He belongs to a singles social networking group in the area he lives.  He had reserved to attend the local function last night.  I was patiently waiting to see if he would confess this to me, but no, 2 steps forward, 6 steps back.  He lied!  He said he had a "work" emergency he had to leave for.  He has no clue that i know about it.  But he will find out, slowly, painfully when i ask about it.  But i think i will wait, i will let him dig his hole first.  This particuliar organization takes alot of pictures during their events.  So i will wait until the picture is posted.  Yes i can be evil sometimes too.  But nothing compares in my book to dishonesty.  It is not to be forgiven!  Time does not heal it.

  So tonight is my "meet"  with No Chemistry J.  I find myself with a slight hint of excitement about it.  If there is just a touch of desire for him then maybe chemistry can be developed with time.  Maybe i tend to look too hard for chemistry, maybe i place too much weight on it. I know the last time we met for dinner, i looked at him just knowing he is a very strong dominant man, he is extremely intelligent, he is a sadist, he works extremely hard yet is filled with passion for his work.  He understands what it is that i am seeking, but has not dwelled on the M/s thing.  He has looked instead at the "woman" side of me rather than the "submissive" side of me. Of that i am most appreciative!  The flip side is he is short, he is my height, he tends to talk a lot about his work, which i am not a scientist, so for me can become a bit boring, but as he is doing so, his passion is clear. So that makes it seem somewhat interesting, to see his eyes sparkle when he talks about it. I have no doubts that he would do all he could to insure my "needs" were being met as long as his were as well! He likes structure, he likes routine, he is strict, no BS.  He wants things his way. That i admire and respect!
So yes i am interested in looking at this dynamic, and see if something, anything is within me that assures me this is a good fit. He is certainly convinced it is!

  It is looking a bit cloudy out today, so whether it is a beach day is yet to be seen! One can only hope...

oopsy

So "no Chemistry J" emailed me, i am meeting him tomorrow night and the plan is.... his house...ugh!   I hope he is not planning anything more than talking!   Sure!  Talking, oh yes  i am sure that's the plan!  lol

Oh Lucy you've done it now!

I always enjoyed shopping til now....

  I am a complete wuss!  I emailed no chemistry J and told him i wasn't able to meet him last night and ended up re scheduling for Tuesday night instead! Oh well i should at least hear him out! Maybe he does have something to say! Maybe i have not given him enough of a chance. 

 So i spoke briefly with A yesterday, and as is usual he pressed me.  I really do hate it when we have not yet met and the "prospective" Dominant request things from me.  So of course it was the ole at 11 am touch yourself and think of me.  Really this is not something he needs to request, it already happened! But of course i am not telling him that.  So i explained my usual response on how we have not met and that is asking for something not yet "written".  He was put off by it, not anticipating it, and i think i hit his ego a bit. But he did say something about my preconceived ideas of what should or should not be, and really as much as i would like to, i could not argue with his statements.  Yes i do set high goals, high expectations, and maybe i am being a bit unrealistic, but when i choose the one, i honestly want it to be the right one.  I hate this "shopping" trip, and the sooner it ends, the better. But i will not settle, not on the major traits anyway. I have already passed on several who were offering the life i seek, just because there were "things" i did not feel were within my parameters.  Such as age.  Maybe it was the previous "Daddy" relationship but we had so few things in common outside of the D/s, that it made it feel too uncomfortable at times.  I love music, i love metallica, not Frankie Valle or Elvis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN0FFK8JSYE&feature=player_detailpage



 Today is my Friday, and i cannot wait to get the day over! Tomorrow is supposed to hit 79 degrees so maybe i can take a few hours to hit the beach, that would be heaven.

red flags...

  And the list narrows.  After a rather long conversation with I last night, i have decided too many red flags on this one and i need to pass. As a reminder he is the one who felt it was perfectly reasonable to insist i only wear heels and skirts in 40 degrees. In speaking with him last night, i was asking about his history in the lifestyle. He explained that the woman he had been involved with, had after a year or so, decided they were no longer submissive. All of them?  hmmm  He claims they were weak when the relationships started (i guess this is when they were submissive lol) and he built them up to a point where they felt they no longer needed him!  Ok then!   Yes this is one i will pass on....


 And tonight is the meeting with no chemistry J, i have not yet canceled but i think i will drop him a line today to do that.  I have no doubt that he is a man that would be an excellent Master, but, and i may be wrong here, i just feel you need chemistry.  I don't think you can force that, or maybe that is the part of me that is being unrealistic. Is that why it has been two years since i have had a man i desire to call Master?  Oh great now i am flip flopping again!


 I need the beach, this cold weather is getting to me!  The beach is where i find myself.  Something about sitting in the sand and soaking up sun rays that brings such a peace to me!

The weight of words.

  Ah the week end is here, for most, but not this girl.  My week end comes during the week.  The week end is when i make the most money, so in a way that makes it seem a bit better.  While most are enjoying the day, i am taking care of the ever growing responsibilities of life. I have been single for over 20 years, and have grown accustomed to doing what it takes to make life easier, a bit less stressful.  I do enjoy working, having a life outside of this life, but it does make meeting a bit more challenging.

  So in speaking with A last night, it seems he has all the right answers.  Isn't that supposed to be a red flag?  Well i am not seeing them, maybe i am ignoring them but i honestly have not felt them. Maybe its manipulation, and maybe its not.  If you do not open yourself up, if you keep everything inside, are you not "setting yourself up" for failure? It seems as if each conversation we have is very intense, very focused. No conversations on the vanilla things in life. It is defining roles and expectations.  I am comfortable with him.  I look forward to speaking with him, seeing his side and analyzing where it fits in with my side. With that the trust grows. Knowing that we are traveling the same path, looking for the compliment to ourselves, testing the "realness" of the other. Its exciting when two people connect, when they realized this other person may be a good fit to what you are seeking. But still i always remain guarded, until the face to face, eye to eye.  Words are only words until you meet.  If you do not feel that burning inside when you look into his eyes, the words mean nothing. But when "it" is there, they are everything!  Its funny something i had not really thought about before.  When i met V i did feel the burning inside, the desire. But we had no words prior to that point.  Maybe if we had, the burning would not have been there.  He is very closed, very protected.  But still i cannot shake him.
Certainly something worth pondering today.

Man vs Master

This elusive search has been  over two years now.  Currently i have all my profiles hidden as i think i have a few too many to juggle right now.  C is quietly fading to the side lines which is a good thing.  He was the only one i had connected with from a vanilla type site. And although he was intensly handsome, has a dominant "type" personality, the thoughts of introducing him to this world had me in a bit of a tizzy! I know i could have done it with time, he was always asking me questions that would have easily opened the door, but in doing so you are putting yourself out there. Taking a risk that he would view me in the mindset of "she is just too strange for me". But i did enjoy his company, and not feeling like i "needed" to view him as my Master, i could view him as a man that i could care for unconditionally.  It is much less stressful viewing a Man as simply a Man.  But dealing with his forgetfulness would have eventually ate me alive. I need structure, i need routine, i need rules and i do need discipline.  I am certainly a service oriented slave, i do not consider myself a pain slut, but there are times when i crave the feelings / effects of a good caning, flogging, spanking etc. So looking at that maybe that is why i am so picky, so selective.  I initially look at these men only as Masters, and not as Men first.  Maybe i need to reverse that.  I often get upset when they delve into my submissiveness before looking at me the woman. It does create a reaction, a certain amount of defensiveness, of looking at them through submissive eyes.  And from there my opinion of them starts to develop, weak / strong, knowledgeable / novice, worthy / not.  Certainly food for thought....

where the road leads..

 Some how my original blog is gone, poof disappeared!  And since i have switched computers, i am afraid it is gone forever. So i will attempt to re create what was there.  It was basically where this girl came from and how she ended up in this search.
  I have been in this lifestyle for the past 15 years.  I entered it in 1995 after answering a newspaper ad Dominant seeking submissive.  I knew at the time that yes i was submissive, but really knew nothing more than that. But i was eager to explore this side of myself, and was fortunate enough to come across a "daddy" type of Dominant Man we will call R. He was caring but firm, experienced, and 18 years older than me.  Basically just what i needed at the time.
I was divorced from my lustless nilla marriage with a young child in tow.  So we would get together on week ends to play, to explore.  Although i did become dependent on him for most of my happiness, i think inside i knew the differences between us were just too great to make it work on a "forever" basis.  But we stuck it out with all the ups and downs, through the next 13 years. He was an excellent mentor and teacher, we had some wonderful times but, about 2 years ago i came to the conclusion i needed more.  My child had grown, living his own life, and i wanted more!  More time, more control, more structure, more routine, more use, and much less alone.  The need to let go completely, to find the one that i can offer all to, is without question where this one needs to be.
 But oh the search.   Never in my dreams did i think it would be so very difficult.  Have i become so picky, so selective in my search that i have developed "unrealistic" expectations?  In 1995 i answered one ad and stayed for 13 years.  Now i am certain that the number of men i have spoke with, is in the hundreds. Is it the difference of the internet?  Maybe so, it seems everyone is a Dom! Honesty has become a some what minor detail. To me it is everything!  Trust is the foundation, without honesty you have no trust!
  So here i am wading through the real and the wannabees trying to decide which goes where.  A difficult task to say the least.

New View for the New Year...

 So I have decided this searching stuff has been occupying way too much of my time.  I spend what little free time i have in instant messages trying to get to know the "prospective" hims out there.  It consumes all my time, and leaves very little time for anything else.  So this year, i am pulling back from all the nonsense.  A firm believer in fate, i know i just need to let go and let life work its magic!