Dreams do come true....

It is truly amazing the changes our lives can experience in a very short period of time!

When I started my blog last year, I was in the midst of searching for a very special Man! Shuffling through the profiles on CM, FL and even Alt.com, hoping he was there.... somewhere in all that mess.

And as you all know, for a very long time I was only finding the frogs, some frogs were better than others, but they were none the less, not MY "Prince"!

When I met MPH for the first time, I felt something very special with him! I knew this one was different! My insides turned to putty.... I was his and I knew it!

That was six months ago...

And with time, the reality that we just "fit" became even more clear!

There were obstacles, minor, but they were there!

For the past 3 months he has worked extremely hard to show me that he is here for the long run, he cleared whatever obstacles were in our path, and has truly made "us" his focus!

He has shown me how very capable he is of being the Man, the Master I truly needed in my life! He has really stepped up to the plate!

On Thanksgiving morning, he told me to have a seat, he had something he needed to discuss with me. He got down on his knee .... and ... well ... he threw me for a loop... He asked me to marry him, to make our commitment to each other "complete" in every sense of the word!

To say I am elated, doesn't quite express the happiness i feel! Its so beyond that!

The ring... well it is just beautiful! It is him, My Perfect Him!

But first, we have this minor battle to fight, however, when that is behind us, when I can once again feel like his perfect lil princess whore, then we can make it official!

It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... The perfect pot of gold!

On Being Thankful!

When you meet someone, who by a simple glint in his eye and a smile on his face, can light your world! Your heart does its own little dance and you just know this is where you were meant to be, with this Man, this Master, the one who turns your world into a beautiful and wonderful place with each breathe you breath... You know you are owned, you are loved.....

In 1998, at age 37 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The news was devastating to say the least, I was a single mom with a 10 yr old son. To say it changed my life is putting it rather mildly. For 3 years I underwent countless surgeries and treatments. Throughout which time i continued to work and raise my son, all basically alone!

I remember hitting the 5 year mark, a major milestone, then the 10 year mark, another major one!

However, I have always remained very vigilant about changes with my body, I am quite aware of the fact that I am what is considered "high risk".

Recently the results of a blood test came back with positive markers for another type of cancer, ovarian!

And here I go again...

Only this time, things are a bit different! My son is grown and fully capable of living his life without the watchful eye of Mommy hovering over him.

And this time, oh God this time, I am not alone!

The comfort in knowing that I am not slaying this dragon alone (this time) is huge!

Sometimes the exactly right people come into our lives at exactly the right time and this is one of those times!

I have a wonderful Master who is standing by me, holding me up, giving me strength to face this, almost overly eager to take care of his lil slut ... He is truly a gift in my life!

Thank you my Love, my Life....

Reaping the benefits....

It is hard to believe i have survived without writing a blog! And really it is not that i haven't had anything to say.... It is simply that my life, well, has been a bit complicated!

Not in a bad way by any means... But just complicated!

i needed time, time for me... Time to collect and sort my thoughts, to breath! Kind of like a time out. And sometimes stepping back, gives us a better perspective. Not one filled with regrets, but of lessons...

And ooooo the lessons i have learned! Each one has in one way or another, delivered me to where i am today... And today, i am happy, i am content.... Overflowing with optimism and excitement... Very much alive and well!

A New Direction....

Life has been rather hectic lately! Family issues have kept me busy, not to mention work....

A million other things have been racing through my mind, about the direction i am taking with my life, my priorities, and exactly what those need to be right now!

My blog has always been something i have written for me to sort things, to put them out there and see what advice others may offer, or simply to help another who is going through some of the issues i have. I have enjoyed writing my blog. I have acquired some wonderful friendships that i would not have otherwise had.

And i have at times felt obliged to write, almost as a necessity, as a form of communicating that "yes i am fine."

But now, i need to pull back from writing, to make it less of a priority! Direct my focus elsewhere....

I will still write, but likely on a less personal front, and certainly not as often!

I will still read and comment, i couldn't survive without knowing what is happening in everyone elses life.

So, no worries my friends, the toy will be fine, and lurking amongst the shadows!

In Closing i leave you with this:

May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!

Some thoughts on "perception"

Over at DV's wonderful blog, he has been exploring the strength of submission, and the perception that the vanilla world holds of D/s! I attempted to respond there but as you can see my response became a bit long winded, (go figure) so here it is...

One conversation of late sticks out in my mind from work.  I work in a retail environment where it is mostly women and the topic of D/s came up! Maddy, an older woman of about 60, married 30 years, lets out a gasp "oh, i think it is just disgusting that whole D/s thing".  A few of the younger woman just kind of snickered and i asked her why she thought that, not meaning it to be entertaining, but for my own education!

She began to recount an incident where she and he husband Dave, were staying in a hotel. In the lobby, she saw a couple where the woman was collared and leashed, the sub referred to her Dom as Sir, and was very subservient in her actions! Maddy explained how uncomfortable that made her feel!

After further exploration, she admitted... She and her husband had not had sex in 4 years! 4 YEARS! sheesh... 3 days without an orgasm and i fall into a miserable unbearable funk!

When we asked if she missed the passion, she admitted she did, then we asked if  Dave, her husband,
really needed her to do that, would she? Knowing that the passion afterwards was going to be the most intense hottest sex she'd ever had... her response was priceless... "there is nothing i wouldn't do for him, short of hurting someone!" You could see in her eyes how she slowly began to understand where the conversation was leading...

I know Maddy is not alone in her misunderstanding of the lifestyle, nor is she alone in living life without ever knowing how truly magnificent love can be! And that is not to say she isn't head over heels for her husband, she definitely is!

If i had never tasted chocolate, how could i possibly ever crave it?

I know for me, i will never stop craving!  I am just not capable... It is not in my genetic make up!

And as horribly as this last one ended, the good times, well they only strengthen my resolve!

I know the beauty, i have felt the beauty, lived the beauty of this lifestyle and will not stop looking
for the real "My Perfect Him"....

right now....

So as i turn the page of this new book in my life, i wonder where the next path will lead! I feel as if i have come out of this stronger and wiser, but really only time will tell if that is really so!

i am not dwelling in the muck...

No, that leads no where!

We are cutting new paths, watching for new adventures... bigger better ones!

I have brought my old profiles back to life, with the warning attached that really i am not seeking right now, anything other than "good" friends!

Although i know that for anyone to take that in any literal sense would be asking for far too much!

But right now, right here, that is really all i want!

And the really bright side is.... i have lots of new toys, and do not need to ask permission from anyone to use them!!!

Every cloud has a silver lining!

What to do with the Collar?

The last night we spent together said it all!

Things were off and i knew it, i felt it deep inside, but pushed it away, wanting it better, knowing it could be if he would just take the reins, embrace what he had and be happy with that!

But promises made, turned to promises broken!

If there is one key in this lifestyle, it is TRUST!

Without it, no doors will open! The walls will remain standing! There is no half way in trust...It is yes or no, black or white, stop or go!

If you have read my blog for the past few months, you know there was another in MPH's life. She was a former from last year, according to him!

According to her, she was his fiance!

On July 22nd, he told me 2 weeks tops and she would be gone!

So cut to 3 weeks ago, MPH moved from 4 hours away to live with his lil slut, namely me! Yes he pulled up stakes, quit his job there, found another here and we have been living 24/7 since!

Things started beautifully!

I was as happy as could be, couldn't imagine being happier!

Yes, i knew she was still in his life, but i dealt with it, same as one would with a big zit right smack on their face! You know it will go away eventually, but each time you look in the mirror, the question eats at your soul, why does it not leave?
You try every miracle cream on the planet, but still, it is there! Looking right back in the mirror, at you! Your hostility grows...

(yes i like the comparison too!)

Anyway, last week i wouldn't give up my pin number for my ATM card! And it wasn't really that which bothered MPH, but what i said in refusing the number, i said
"the trust isn't quite there yet". He was shocked! How could i not trust him yet?

I explained he had given me his word, she would be gone!

And she wasn't gone, she was still there every single night around 10 pm for that good night call! Yes we are cuddled up in bed, when he needs to "go outside for the call". Heaven, isn't it!

Anyway, last night he scared me. i felt compelled to use the safe word! He quit, however, the fact that i needed to use it... in the past 16 years i have never used a safe word until last night! That said everything!

Today when i returned home from work, there was a note, and he had moved out!

He says he is going to fix the situation and will contact me when it is done!

To me it was cowardly!

It is unforgivable!

So just what do i do with this collar on my neck?

The only communication we have had, was that question via text!

His response:

"Do what you want and i will let you know when she is out of my life, then you can let me know if you can learn to trust me!"

So tell me my friends... what do i do with my collar?

A. keep it on, he will come back, but do i really want him back?
B. Tuck it neatly into the jewelry box until he returns...but no i don't think i want him back...
C. Craigs list!
or ...
D. break it up into a hundred pieces and toss it away, just as he has done...

I just don't know!

Coming Home...

The call comes in...

"I want that black plug in as soon as you get home today"

Yes the dreaded black plug...

Kind of a love / hate relationship! But that's a whole different blog...

So immediately the realization hits me...

He is back!

That's the Man i have missed, i have craved so very much...

The smile carries me the rest of the way home, where i go about doing as instructed!

There was no gentleness about his tone, or his instructions...

I knew he meant business!

Shortly after i returned home, he did as well...

He did not disappoint!

He spent the next few hours using His toy, in every sense of the word...

Yes the toy is smiling, with her sore, red ass and all!

The Mirror Image...

It was a very rainy day yesterday!

So rainy, that MPH came home early from work.

He had read the blog!

We talked...

He agreed things have been "out of sorts" as of late...

Yes, he has had things on his mind lately,

He has been busy with moving, adjusting to the new place, the new job, being sick...

And yes me....

figuring me out is certainly no easy task!

He wants me to be happy, i am quite aware of that!

But when he is stressed i feel it,

and i too become stressed!

A mirror image...

And he admitted, he considered "options"

a change in the situation....

Call it temporary insanity,

but i think he forgot...

I wear his collar, the one he put on, the one i love wearing!

I am his ... completely!

I think at times he feels he is a visitor,

But i would not wear the collar of a visitor!

He is no visitor!

He is my Master, my Owner...

and i am Histoy...

in every sense of the word!

waiting...

Silence!


It is so safe..... isn't it?

In saying nothing.... one says so much!

He is silent....

And that makes me feel... well .... not safe!

Vulnerable....

That thing i run from, hide from, avoid like the plaque....

Just waiting for it to end, for life to return to that comfy sweet place i love so much...

So i close my eyes, i hold my breath....

And i wait....

It is just a piece of paper!

Being owned...

The property of...

belonging to...

collared by...

All terms designating a non single status!

I do not consider myself in any way as being "single".

I am taken, completely and totally!

And i look at MPH, and feel he too is "spoken" for!

He is mine, just as i am his!

So last night, we are laying in bed, and out of the blue i ask him....

Do you consider yourself single?

Knowing full well the answer i would hear was "No"...

But i was wrong!

His answer was Yes!

WHAT????

Yes i was shocked, i was hurt....

Maybe it is a difference in our "understanding" of commitment!

And maybe it was due to the fact that he was not feeling well,

or that he was dosed up with cold medicine!

Yes that is it, the medicine was clouding his thinking....

So i asked again, figuring he had time to consider his answer more clearly!

But the answer remained the same...

To me commitment is a state of being!

It does not lay in the laws of the land!

He has on several occasions dared me to run down to the court house with him...

But certainly, it is far too early for that!

Granted to say one is "married" does carry a tad more weight,

but only to others on the outside looking in.

And really, they are not my concern!

But he is!

So today i am left confused, trying to understand what exactly he meant!

Feeling sky high....

When MPH finally moved in, i cleared the clothes in my closet to one side, leaving the entire other side for him. This is a difficult task for any woman. Deciding which items to keep, and which to donate to the local charitable foundations.

But for me the most difficult part of that task was determining which shoes to keep!

Yes i must confess i am indeed a shoe whore...

I love high heels!

And over the years i have learned to curb the habit of constant shoe shopping...

Often i go and window shop only, not actually purchasing the shoes, but rather admiring their lines, trying them on, taking a few steps and putting them back on the shelf.

It felt at times like saying good bye to a dear old friend, shed a few tears, then walk away not daring to look back...

But on the official day of MPH's big move in, he came bearing gifts....

One of those gifts in the form of a 7" heel...

And when i put them on, the 5'4" slut suddenly became almost as tall as her 6' tall Master...

The reality is....

Things are settling in!

After being on my own for the past twenty some years, my fears of actually living with a Man once again have calmed.

Of course, the Man makes the difference!

MPH is very easy to live with!

He is not demanding or difficult to be with in any way!

Our work schedules vary enough that we are not constantly in each others way!

But to say i have no worries...

well, that would not be quite right!

I do worry that he may become bored, that the element of excitement we had by being together just a few nights a week, would some how change the dynamic that is us.

That intensity, when we knew we only had a limited amount of time together, that is seemingly different now.

Not a bad different, just different!

There is still intensity, but it is in a way, a much more subdued intensity!

I am still his slut, he is still my Master...

That will never change!

The way he makes me feel... safe, loved and thoroughly owned

that too remains unchanged!

And really, at the end of the day, what else matters....

This place....

Waking up, next to him, knowing ...

He is not leaving, going back to "his" place...

MPH is home!

His arms wrap around me as my eyes begin to open,

he pulls me into him,

Holding me tighter,

as he takes what is his to take.

And i wonder....

Does Life get any better?

Yes i am....

deliriously happy!

A place i never thought i would be...

and a place i never want to leave!

This journey,

and all i have gone through along the way,

to get to "just this place"

Now i know,

it was all soooooo worth it!

And so the new journey begins....

Today begins a new journey!

Life in 24/7...

It is what i have wanted for a very long time...

He is what i have needed for a very long time!

I do know that

But yes i am nervous, and scared, and excited, and very much in love!

Can i handle it or will it be too much?

Am i ready?

Is he?

The lights dim,

the music begins

and this new life, this new way

is born...

No turning back...

Only moving forward!

Never stop dreaming....

My vacation is over, Master has returned to his home, and life is right where i left it a week ago.

Except...

I feel good! Like really good... about him, about us, about life...

There is just a wave of silly happiness around me and i am soaking it all up!

Seven days with him and i didn't get bored or antsy or agitated, i had no desire to flee, to get far away from him. Just perfectly happy with his arms around me, keeping me safe and secure, or watching him from across the room as his focus was directed to something other than his toy, or simply at his feet watching his eyes smile as he planned his next onslaught of his toy...

That in itself is something i thought i would never find.... I was wrong, very wrong....

And as i was catching up in Blogland, i read about the week that   SBF  had and her wannabee suitors on CM, and i am so thankful that those days are far far behind me.  But remember, MPH and i would not have met had it not been for CM, so somewhere in that whole mess of wannabees or couldabeens, there may just be the "One" who can sweep you off your feet, and offer you everything in life you have ever dared to dream of...

Just don't stop dreaming....

Cuz ya know, they do come true....

home safe and sound....

We survived!

Seven wonderful days together and

MPH hasn't admitted to being bored with me yet!

The girl is beyond happy and content!

What a learning experience this trip has been for me!

I have learned so very much about MPH, very important details...

I discovered the extent my Master enjoys driving in a car with his slave,
naked and on display...

I did finally see what the inside of those peep booths look like, and how very little room there is... ummm ... to move around...

And how well my Master can spank and drive both at the same time...

But i noticed something very significant about myself in the process.

I feel owned....

The knowing that i belong to him never far from my mind, or his!

Even when meeting his family,

I didn't feel like the girlfriend, or the booty call...

He was always aware of me and what i was feeling, and he cared, really cared that all was good!

And although we didn't come home with any new tats...

(Yes he wants his slave marked)

The idea is closer than it was before the trip.

Just the details remain unresolved,

the wording, the location, etc

for now at least...

The 7 day test...

I have been a good girl all week!

Yep, i have!

And there is a reason....

A huge test is on the horizon!

Seven days alone with MPH!

I am a bundle of excitement and of fear....

Fear of so much sex, um not just sex, MPH sex....

Hot, intense, raw passionate sex...

With the distance between us, we do not always have much time together.

Usually it is just a few days.

But he always leaves me knowing he has used me well.

Subtle little reminders, a mark here and there, a sore body part here and always there!

Plus, he has assigned me a "packing list"!

Restraints, rope, gag, plugs including the two that just make me wince upon sight...

And then of course a slut outfit, including a pair of 6" Fuck me shoes,

you know the ones...

they look so good, just don't expect me to walk in them...

Yes, fear and excitement!

But even though the blog may be a bit quiet, rest assured, the toy will not be...

She will be screaming and growling and purring and laughing and crying and most

certainly,....

she will be begging and pleading...

And hopefully

he will remember what a sweet little slave i have been all week...

smiles...

Dreams are good to have aren't they?

Holding my breath.....

Fear....

It can hold us tight in its grip.

It has the potential to change us, mold us to its liking.

For me, i try to resist most fears, or to face them head on...

Sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't!

Spiders, snakes and apparently frogs....

Well, not much i can do about those fears!

But other ones, become fears because they are the unknown...

And those i tend to face!

I learn all i can in my attempt to confront them.

When MPH and i initially began speaking, it became quite clear that
breath control was something he rather enjoyed.

For me, i had no experience with it, so it became the unknown, a fear...

Part of this "letting go" is placing my trust in Him, trusting that he will not allow harm to come any where near His toy...

He began slowly....

Gripping my throat tightly, then release....

Then again, a bit longer, release...

The look on his face as he controlled what breath i took, or didn't take....

Yes he enjoys this....

It was obvious!

And with that look, the one that made his eyes sparkle, i felt no fear...

i surrendered my air to him...

his Dominance reinforced,

my submission intensified

The unknown confronted...

The fear, gone!

Just as it should be.....

i try not to anticipate MPH, i think i have discovered that it is futile to attempt!

A very good thing most assuredly ...

Keeping me guessing is one way to keep my interest peaked!

Two days ago, as we were speaking on the phone....

(he was giving me masturbation instructions, telling me which plug i needed next)

i turned around to find him standing in my bedroom!

That sudden feeling of i am being watched, startling at first,

then elation!

Our earlier conversations, were all centered around the future,

the next step...

already my mind was in a place of missing him, needing to feel him near.

And there he was, standing behind me, ready to pounce his prey!

And pounce he did and spank, and bite, and fuck, and well you got it...

for hours...

until his lil slut was thoroughly reminded of what being owned truly entails!

He is really quite demanding of his slut

At times i feel i cannot give anymore, so he proceeds to take...

and take some more....

it is then that i realize how truly owned i am.

He can take all he needs or wants

any way he needs or wants

at any time he needs or wants...

It is his!

That is "this thing we do"...

It is not mine to possess, to control in any form or fashion!

It was before i met him...

But now, it belongs, i belong...

completely to him!

Just as it should be!

lucidity...

Last week i stumbled...

I looked at the path ahead, i got scared and jumped off!

i allowed myself to go to a place uninvited...

But the past few days he was here

Realigning our path, reinforcing our destination...

eliminating my apprehension.

Insuring no doubts, no unresolved feelings were hidden underneath the facade.

His commitment to us absolute!

He made that clear.

We are on track ...

The distraction minor in comparison...

He moved away from her last December

But left pieces of himself behind

Pieces... like old photos of his childhood, mementos of days past...

she refuses to let go of those things he holds close.

Denying him access.

He did try...

And i do so understand wanting those things.

Things which can never be replaced.

But his willingness to leave them with her, in lieu of us...

That speaks for him.

Of course neither of us wants that,

but the fact that the option is there in his mind

helps to ease my mind, my insecurities!

And if that path should become unclear again,

i need only to say so to him.

And he will do what he needs to do to keep us aligned.

It is trust in him, and in his commitment to us...

And i do!

good bye Amy.

How very sad and tragic! 

She was a beautiful woman, an awesome voice and a very hurting soul!

I do not know much about her, i am really not the type to go search info

on Celebrities, but she always caught  my attention!  

She was odd, yet her unmistakable uniqueness  was charismatic!

Even the first time i saw her i was drawn to her pain!

She wore it most innocently...

I see a tremendous amount of women in this lifestyle

with that same characteristic!

But then i may just start getting philosophical, and well thats not any fun!

So i will say to those who carry burdens in their life...

Let it go, find a way to

just let it go...

We get just one life

and to feel all that weight, is just not worth the price!

The meaning of a collar!

We talked...

He is upset that i walked away without talking it over with him first.

I can't blame him for that.

he is right!

I did feel at the time,

that i talked about it for weeks leading up to it...

Like i was screaming it!

But a collar

it means not walking away...

it means talking and working it out

and if working it out is impossible

then he will take the collar off...

i understand this!

A collar means more than that...

it is a binding of two souls

into one....

It is not to be treated as an accessory...

a piece of glitz

to shine and sparkle in the light of day only

For even in the darkest of times,

the collar

and what it represents does not change...

The issue?

It will change, it will be gone, it is not forever!

a week, maybe two...

But the collar, it has no end, only a beginning

a new way

a new life

and i forgot that...

i took it for granted...

And for that i am sorry...

My collar is back

and never will i be the one to remove it again...

Someday...

He doesn't get it....

He doesn't understand why it hurts...

or even that it does hurt!

He thinks i made a mistake

by giving up on us!

I certainly did not want to give up...

I thought he was it!

The One....

MPH

But there is only room for one

and apparently he is a package deal!

He said yesterday

That he won't be back...

And that hurts....

The loss of hope!

But i can be strong

when pushed....

so i will push

and i will get through it...

And someday it will not hurt anymore!

But today it seems as if that "someday" is such a long way away...

a million little pieces...

Sometimes life seems so simple, so easy....

But it just isn't!

As i have mentioned in about 20 past blogs, patience and i, well we are polar opposites! It avoids me like the plaque! And apparently its absence in my life, has taken its toll on me!

And maybe, i honestly do not know, but just maybe, the past relationship
he was in was over. But, for me, it was not over enough!

I really have tried to be patient, to be tolerant, to push those "ugly" feelings to the side, unsuccessfully!

Two calls to Her in just a few hours, well that pushed the buttons, then the rush out the door in the morning, the final straw!

The pain of that moment was just too much...

And yes my heart is broken into a million little pieces!

But i know it is the right thing to do, to walk away, to let him figure it out!

If he comes back to me without her in his life, i will welcome him with open arms, but i can't "expect" it, i can't wait for it to sort itself out!

It is far too painful...

This man brought something very special to my life, and i can only hope he can figure it out!

Speaking up! Well kinda...

I have changed through the years.

Most of those changes for the better...

At least, i think so!

In my marriage, i went weeks with no sex, and never did i utter the words

"Fuck me, just take me right here, right now"

No, I was a good girl!

Never would i consider saying what was truly in my thoughts...

And in my previous D/s relationship....

when things would start feeling off kilter...

Never would i utter a word of dissatisfaction!

I would just ignore the feeling....

And now, maybe it is because of the importance of this relationship to me

or maybe it is because of the lessons i have learned through the years,

Or just maybe it is "Him"...

I tend to say what is on my mind,

never intending it to be a complaint of any sort,

But more of a "this is how i am feeling"...

This relationship is, in my eyes,

what i have searched for, what i have needed for a very long time.

Always hoping for, but never really certain it was possible!

So when something is on my mind, it finds a way to my lips...

And sometimes i think i confuse him.

I know that often i speak in riddles never really saying what i mean...

But when we are together,

everything is intense,

heightened!

And of course that is not a bad thing by any means...

until it wears off!

And i am here

and he is there...

Then it just becomes, well kind of difficult...

I have never been such a needy woman before.

But he does that to me

and i am not really certain how to handle that within myself!

In the past i have managed to stifle my needs, to hide them, to disregard them!

When i am with him, my needs are met!

That in itself is new to me!

But then we part...

And in a few days

after all the intensity dissipates...

My mind craves...

My "need" becomes over powering...

and when i try to deal with it...

I feel unequipped...

I can't seem to explain it

even now the words aren't there!

But "it" is...

Until tomorrow anyway...

when i see him, all will be wonderful!

Such a vicious circle!

Here in the present...

There are times i look at you, and i know, you are not here....

But i wonder where exactly is that mind

when it leaves me...

where does it wander off to?

I see the distance in your eyes

i want so bad to just reach in

and pull you back...

But i know

only you can do that

while i wait

helpless and full of need!

Wanting is not enough...

my need and your need

yes they are the same

but on the opposite ends of the spectrum...

i knew you needed to go there

to resolve old issues

and knowing you are doing just that

makes it well, not easier!

And patience and i

we are old foes...

never really walking the same path,

at the same time.

i will try to be patient

to show you

how very much this means to me

how very much i need this

i need you

to be here

really here

not just in body

but in mind and soul

as i am for you...

chasing frogs...

i wake up and peek at the clock through my half opened eyes, "ah good i slept til 6 am, much later than normal!" It is going to be a good day!

I walk out to my kitchen to make my cup of coffee when out of the corner of my eye i see an image. I look up and sprawled across my kitchen ceiling, is something well.... different.

Of course i am half blind without my contacts or glasses, so i rush back to my bedroom to retrieve my glasses, then run back to the kitchen.

Hmmm nothing there!

But i am certain i saw something up there.

So i resume my coffee fetching. watching every nook and cranny closely....

But when i return for cup #2, up on the very top of my cupboard i spot the beady
little eyes staring back at me.

After realizing that the screaming i was doing was basically pointless...
some sort of sanity is slowly returning and i see it is just a frog, a silly little harmless frog!

Thoughts race through my mind, how do i get it OUT!

I considered the broom, but no, i could squish it and i wouldn't want to do that!

ohhhh i thought, maybe the fan duster, thats soft and won't hurt it, but it may only knock it off the cupboard ... then what?

hmmm Master lives 4 hours away, no i guess that is not an option!

First things first, i need a picture of this ferocious subbie eating frog!

then i grab the step ladder and a bowl and lid, and slowly so as not to scare the poor thing i climb up it. Yes i was worried about scaring him!

Now mind you since i live alone, i do sleep completely naked, and the thought of the frog seeing me in that state, well didn't really enter my mind!

So there i am climbing up the ladder at 6;30 am naked with a bowl and lid, and no sooner do i get to the top step and Mr frog decides he is not liking that particular cupboard, noooo the one on the other side of the kitchen is much more appealing! And of course the best route is the one which goes directly over my head!

Anyway, to cut to the chase after his 4 other locations, and several startled screams of fright later...i capture Mr Frog half in the bowl and half out. Of course no way to put the lid on, and he is fighting for freedom! Then the thought occurs to me, i am naked! I should have thrown at least a shirt on prior to my expedition! I can't set the bowl down to get dressed... Well maybe when my neighbors see me, outside naked, they will understand my plight!

ohhhh Lucy!

Yes, starting the day frog hunting... not much fun!

Releasing the slut...

I have always said how much i enjoy the mind fuck, well i think i have the perfect Him for that.... he pulled it off! I never knew what to expect from him next... He does not disappoint!

For anyone who knows me, they know i have just a touch of the princess in me. Yes i like nice things, the nails done, the hair impeccable, always looking nice, yada yada...And really it is not that i am afraid to get my hands dirty, its just that i better not break a nail doing it!

So his devious mind was working overtime thinking of ways to make his toy blush!

First, he had me meet him at a sweet little, ok not sweet, more like ummm seedy hotel right off the interstate. (yes the room came complete with a used hypodermic needle on the floor) After a bit of conversation and some rather intense play, he dressed his slut up in cuffs, collar, and initially a sleazy outfit (but then thankfully toned it down a bit) for a little bit of dinner on the town. oops almost forgot, here is the sadist in him, no shower! nope... no clean up for the princess after play, cuz real sluts they don't do that! UGH! But i did get the honor of watching him clean up! For some reason he really enjoyed me sitting there drenched in lube, sweat and of course not to mention, some bodily fluids, hair going every which way, ya know that just thoroughly fucked look... watching him get all sparkly clean. Go figure....

Then it was off to dinner...

Yes it is possible i just "felt" like everyone noticed the cuffs and collar, the scent of sex, the messed up hair and make up, and the look of slutty submission in my eyes... but maybe no one really did notice. They were really just staring at his rugged good looks. Yes, that must be it! And i am going to just keep telling myself that... No One Noticed the slut!

But a slut i was, not just any slut, but his slut. And really deep down, that is all i really want to be. Although the princess is still there, it is more on the outside than it is on the inside...

So the princess, turned slut, has returned from her adventures with her Master with a bigger smile on her face, and in her heart, than when she left...

Got to love the mind fuck!

when the fog lifts...

He keeps asking me....

"You sound distant... what is wrong?"

And i repeat "Nothing is wrong"

But to a degree, i guess i am a bit out of sorts.

However, to say why that is... well...

I don't know why...

I am hoping when i see him tomorrow

that the "out of sorts" will find its way back to being

well... in sorts?

i know 5 days without seeing him is not that long...

But it doesn't make it easier!

And well, we had a bit of a misunderstanding that kind of threw me just a bit.

It was certainly nothing major, and it is well over now...

But i guess when i get thrown...

i need more than a "its okay" from the telephone or text to regain my balance.

And i know...

I need to see him, feel him...

to find my balance.

This "getting to know you phase" is difficult at times.

To expect there to be no sharp curves, no bumps in the road...

that would just be silly!

But the strange thing is...

when i see him, when i am with him

it just feels like there are no sharp curves, no bumps...

i don't even see the road...

oblivious to life outside the "Him"!

It is that treacherous road back,

yes, that is where the danger lurks...

when life returns without him!

The First...

Life these last few weeks has been very exciting for me. I am not what one would call a relationship junkie, in and out of relationships, especially when it comes to D/s. And although MPH is not my first Master, i am finding many "first" with him which helps greatly to generate these feelings of excitement, as well as a tendency to look beyond today.

In my previous D/s relationship, when i entered into it, it was to learn what these feelings inside were, the need to submit, to explore the kink that was over taking most all of my thoughts. I was 34, and really not thinking much beyond the moment. I was 6 years out of a very unfulfilled marriage, raising a small child, focused much more on motherhood and having a career than i was on having a "Master". And for 13 years that relationship filled my need!

But now it seems like a horse of a different color. I look at MPH and i see a man that i so "need" in my life. Is it just the "chemistry" that i feel with him, that creates that need? Or is it a culmination of timing, of being at a point in my life where "priorities" have adjusted, which in turn creates a different set of needs and wants? Or maybe it is just "Him"?

There are things that are unique to him, the way he holds me when he sleeps, the way he cares for me, even the way he fucks me, all very unique to him. He makes me feel safe, feel loved and most assuredly owned. And for me, to feel those 3 emotions, all at the same time, that is a first!

From the inside out....

My few days with my Master have come and gone, and not unlike every time we have been together, we have some how managed to spend pretty much the whole time completely absorbed in each other. Feeling total joy from the inside out...

As i look around the room, i see the remnants of our time together, the toys, the rope, the collar and cuffs... all reminders of how very fortunate i am! The whole time together, the outside world was far away, removed from my mind completely!

And now, he is on his way home and the world is calling me back...

Even though i would love to just "stay" in that place he takes me, i know i have "things" needing my attention. As if i need to separate the "us" in my mind, to step outside for just a bit, and handle those real life things staring me in the face today.

Last night my uncle, my favorite uncle, lost his battle with Cancer. I knew something was going on the way my phone was ringing, all family members, one right after the other, until i finally answered. And if it had happened prior to meeting MPH, receiving that news, the result would surely have been different. i would have cried for him, as i did when he received the diagnosis. But last night, i found i was relieved, he was no longer in pain, and more importantly he was with the woman he spent his life adoring until she passed away a few years ago. Since she passed, it was as if he was simply moving through life "maintaining". His loss evident to all who knew him.

But when the news came, i looked at my Master, and understood much more than i could have or would have previously! Finding that "one" who brings light to our life, from the inside out, well there just isn't anything else that compares!

And although i will miss my uncle terribly, it was those days when he lived life fully with the woman he loved by his side, that i will think of most often. Those days that his smile came from the inside out...

being reminded

"Who do you belong to?"

"To you my Master"

"That is right! And do i need to remind you of that?"

"No my Master"

"No what my slut?"

"No my Master, i know... i belong to you"

And with that he spins me around putting my hands on the counter, and bending me over it.

"Move those legs back and Stick that ass out"

Eagerly, i do as instructed.

Five or six heavy smacks on each cheek, i try as i may to not move, to hold my ass perfectly still, giving him the perfect target in which to aim. But as his hand meets the skin, the force throws me off balance. He grabs my hips, moving me back into position.

"Hold still, stop moving"

His hand maneuvers forcefully between my thighs, separating them, forcing me to stick my ass higher in the air, as he probes the wetness.

"oh my slut likes that doesn't she"

"Yes she does my Master"

"and would she like me to fuck her right now?"

"Oh god yes, please my Master please"

"Please what?"

"Please my Master, please fuck me, please fuck your slut"

Forcefully he reaches his arm around my neck and thrust his cock in my ass, unequivocally "taking" what he knows belongs to him...

As the waves of pleasure saturate my body, i know with no doubt, that yes this woman, this lil girl, this toy, this slut is completely...

and totally

his...

That Certain Something....

Although the Blog has been a bit quite lately, life in Histoy land or maybe it is better to be said MPH land is moving right along....

This dynamic has under gone some rather swift changes... ones that i revel in!

In MPH i see a Man very happily adapting to "toy Ownership". He is finding his way through this very complicated maze (yes that would be me) rather nicely.

Initially, there were times when i knew he wanted, well... something, but he was holding back, not wanting to push quite yet! As if i would take to the open highway if he were to ask too much of me! That is so not the case anymore!

He has "his" way of how he wants things, and he is by no means a "softie". I cannot just smile, bat my baby blues and say "but Master i don't feel like it" ohhhh no.... Not going to happen! If he senses hesitation... He will shoot me "that look" and poof i melt into one big ball of submissive goo! How does he do that? How does he know?

But changes, the biggest ones, are within me! I have found something within myself, something i thought was impossible....

i am truly deliriously happy!

More than i have ever in my life been! i have spent the majority of my life pushing men away, don't get too close.. i will bite! But with him, it is different! He just has that certain something, it is more than just that over powering Domliness, (huh? its telling me Domliness isn't a word... really???)

I guess i will just chalked up to that chemistry thing... Because i have no other way to define or explain it!

All i can do is soak it up, in all its beauty, all its richness and enjoy each and every moment...

Holding tight

It is my nature, and of course most submissive womens' nature to always allow him to set the pace of the relationship. There are so many different standards in a D/s relationship that are not really the "rule" in a nilla one, but that is just the nature of the beast, and we accept that, after all it is he who is in control. And for that control that i most eagerly surrender, i accept his decisions as being the best for "us".

He has plans. Many plans to move our relationship to the next level. And yes i am all for it. I want it as badly as he does. Long distance is never any fun. Phone calls, text messages, IM's, they just do not replace the touch, the feeling of his presence, they are simply the bread crumbs, but certainly not the meal. And although he is only 4 hours away, at times it seems so very distant, even though we still manage to see each other at least once, if not twice a week. He is so wonderful about that!

But there are times it feels to me like i have spent the past few years "preparing" for a transition such as this in my life. De-cluttering my life, not holding on to "stuff". All in the hopes that just maybe someday i would meet my "him" and if i was fortunate enough, i would be able to live in a 24/7 without a major amount of
adjustment in my life.

But for him, whether it was an issue of not anticipating finding the "one" he was searching for, or staying very much in the moment and not looking beyond, i am not sure. Or maybe it is simply a matter of "timing". But he does have "stuff" in his life which he needs to attend to prior to us moving forward. And that old Nemesis "patience" is called upon from me once again. And patience and i, are well, very much like oil and water. Not a very good blend!

The realization that this needs to be "cleared" prior to finding room in his life for "us", is one he is well aware of and seemingly quite willing to work on. What we have in the "us" is not something that happens often, i have searched a very long time to find this, and it is without question, what i need and want! It is for me a perfect fit!

And because of the importance of that, i will hold tightly to patience with all i have within me....

Over his knee...

It has been far too long, but finally the girl had her long awaited Over The Knee!

What is it about OTK that is so damn erotic to me?

It must be more than just the "control" factor, or the submissiveness of the act itself.

But from the time i actually bent over his knee, the arousal started...

Maybe it is just feeling "his" touch as the skin warms up?

Maybe its the words that he is saying as my eagerly awaiting and exposed arse is wiggling on his lap?

Maybe its the sting as his hand lands ever so firmly...

Maybe its feeling the cock underneath me as it hardens with each blow...

Maybe its the rubbing, probing and inspecting along the way..

Or maybe it is all of it, all rolled up into one big ball of intensity....

Yes i do believe that is it!

When it is the right "one", when you know it is the warm up

and not just the show,

when you know it is his to do with as he wants,

then oooh that makes it all that much more "perfect"...

My Gift...

Obviously its not the one i wear during play, but for everyday!

I love it, and the meaning with which it was given...

Yes he is a keeper....

The precision of the Dance...

Since time seems to be in short supply these days i took a few hours last night to surf the many blogs i have been missing as of late... with good reason of course!

But one in particular had me thinking... sins  posting on new relationships. And since this girl is currently jumping head first into a "new" relationship, it made me think about what MPH is going through these days, or most any Dom just stepping into those "new" shoes!

Now mind you, i am speaking only of the "real" Doms and not the wannabees (those that are just out to get laid or the wolves in sheep clothing types) But the true honest Dominant Man! In most cases they too have been searching for that "one" so when they find her and as sin says "the dance begins" they are not only choosing the music, but the location, the dance steps, the lighting, the temperature and all the other details of that dance,  rest firmly on their shoulders. It is in this view that we are able to see his true worthiness and capabilities.

If he tries dancing a Rumba when the music is a Waltz, it falls back to him. After all, he picked the music!

But when the dance is in perfect unison to the music and all the details fall perfectly in place, and he knows his planning was executed with precision, and we look up at him and say "take me, fuck me, let me be that nasty little slut you so crave.." Then his burden is lifted, knowing his preparations and all the planning of the little details, has shown her he is worthy, he is capable of being the Man she calls Master.

On being a babbling brook...

After a few wonderful days with MPH, the chemistry is still there and very Hot!

The initial "intensity" is always a question, can it sustain, is it real...

That question was answered with a resounding Yes!

The spark has not faded in the least, and in getting to know each other,

I realize he is not a one act show,

each time we are together,

i see more of who he truly is inside

and in this view,

i feel safe, i feel wanted, i feel owned.

And although i will not be adding begging to my repertoire any time too soon,

he was wonderfully forgiving (for about 12 seconds) when i started the giggling...

of course he quickly cut the giggling short,

owww.... ok no more giggling...

But the effort was appreciated, and the promise made that i will indeed

seriously (um... without the giggles) work on it!

To actually say what it is i really and truly want,

seems to be such a difficult task for me.

He really isn't after rehearsed and contrived,

He wants it to come naturally,

the babbling brook...

but its like a road block somewhere in between my mind and my voice,

what i want at the time is clearly in my mind,

but voicing it, actually saying the words

seems to be just too difficult

at that particular time...

But whatever the case, what ever the cause,

the man holds my heart,

gripping it tight in his hands, as he tenderly caresses it.

And the girl,

she just loves the way he is holding it,

protecting it,

caring for it,

and making it dance...

Breaking the silence....

In person, i am not a chatty type of girl.

I am much more the quiet and shy type.

I detest whiny so much, that maybe it is my way of insuring i do not become whiny.

However, it is his desire that i become more verbal.

Not in our casual conversations...

But in the heat of the moment

he wants to hear me beg...

And things being as they are....

it is my want to be as "he" wants me to be.

So begging will have to be something i learn to do.

It sounds so easy...

But it is not exactly something you can practice.

And what if i start laughing as i am doing it?

That would only make things worse...

No i am certain with him, i will not be laughing.

MPH is very much a man that knows what he likes

what he wants

And will always get just that.

One way or another....

So the girl is off to learn the art of proper begging....

And who knows

i may just find that i like it too...

and the blog...

will be sitting here...

in silence!

100 frogs later...

Anyone that has been reading my blog knows what a difficult journey finding my "Perfect Him" has been. I have run the gambit on the type of men i have encountered over the past year...

It was the impetus to writing a blog. Some of the experiences were just too strange for me to understand, and writing this blog would help me sort things out. With each one i met, there always seemed like there was just a little something amiss, and i knew settling was not possible for me...

Finding MPH was something that at times i thought was just impossible. How many times i thought "this one is close, maybe it will grow with time" but always inside that little voice would say "keep looking"... Once again more accurately defining what i thought was missing!

With time, i would become discouraged, questioning the reality of what i thought i needed in my life, maybe i was asking for too much?

And emotionally it was beyond difficult, especially with those that did feel there was "something" there, when i did not.

And then suddenly, when i first looked into his eyes, i could see "us" as a possibility...

But it was not without its fear...

Fear that it cannot possibly be real, there must be something i am not seeing, it just isn't possible that i have finally found what i have been looking for.

A few nights ago this is the message he sent....

"I wanted you to know that you sure do live in my thoughts. It seems that nearly every waking hour my thoughts are of you and what a beautiful and special
creature you are. My mind keeps going back to how you look at me some of the
time, touching my very soul at times seeing how you do feel about me. And I can
see it in your eyes most of the time, as I do hope that you can see in mine how
you are the most fascinating woman I have ever met. I really do hope that you can
be and are, the very last woman in my life. I know that if you are, I will try as
much as I can to show you every day just what you mean to me."

Yesterday at work, i received flowers, for no reason other than he wanted to show me i was in his thoughts... A completely new experience for me!

When you look back exactly a month ago in my blog, i was talking about the bully's i had encountered....

Things can change and change fast!

So my message here is this... Stay strong, yes there are far too many frogs and not nearly enough PH's out that... but you just never know when your paths will cross, when your eyes will meet, and in his eyes you will see ... the one!

As they disappear....

For him it is a necessity that initially...

we just talk....

this time together,

its not about addressing the physical needs

It really is so far away from that

His joy at being there with His toy...

as he explored and prodded

was very apparent.

His eyes hid nothing...

as he viewed the marks he had left last week...

(Yes they are still there, quietly sinking back into the flesh they rose from)

he was seemingly bidding them farewell.

He understands my need to trust

and the fears that tend to accompany that need.

He held me in his arms and whispered all the words i so needed to hear...

insuring not only that i heard them, but that i held onto them, tightly, deep inside, as well.

And i did...

i felt his heart caress mine

and i knew i was safe

those ugly little fears...

they too were quietly slipping away...

and inside i was free...

free to let go...

to give all that i am inside to him to hold, to protect, to care for.

And that he did, just perfectly!

His toy....

Finding what works for me, what fits into my ideal of what i want in my life, has been a journey of pain and often exasperation for me.  There have been times when i have spoke with someone and said yes this "may" work, but with time, realized that was not the case. Just "something" did not fit!

Then it would be a return to the drawing board, questioning if i will ever find "Him"....

Finding the one who fits, A Dominant man who possesses a twisted sense of wanton deviant lust, blended with a touch of laughter and control, and then throw in a few sprinkles of the real life,  and there you have my perfect him!

Yes the subject of my search... "My Perfect Him", the one that fits...

My Perfect Him, MPH,  has just left, heading home.... back to his real world!

But not without leaving his toy sitting on the edge of perfection...


When i am with him, there is no outside world, no other place exist except the one right here, right now with him, no concerns of tomorrow or yesterday, it is our place, our time, right now, right here!

In his presence.... it fits, perfectly!

Each time i have been with him, it has felt that "easy"! So easy it scares me! Nothing can really feel so good, so perfect can it? There must be something wrong some where that i am just not seeing... and just then.... a rush of his scent breezes by, or i hear the serenade of his words in my mind, or feel the pain of his use on my body.....

And i am reminded...

It is real, and yes it is just that easy ... just that perfect.

Inside, this lil girl is reduced to one big ball of mush, feeling oh so cared for, oh so owned, and just so damn happy and satisfied....

With all the trials and tribulations life has shown me, i have found the one spot where life is perfect, where everything just "fits", where i can relish in being a toy, his toy....

The voice inside...

Aisha made a comment on my post yesterday that had me thinking... about trusting in ourselves. Trusting that we ourselves know what we need. And i think for the most part we do, we know the basic outline. And for each of us, that outline may vary.  But we also need to listen to our gut, our instincts, that little voice inside!

Recently   SBF  wrote about how she is not "cut out" to be a slave. And i can relate exactly to what she was saying. However, things may change in time, and being open to the possibility of change, is important.

For myself, there are times i think i need a Man to take control all the time, or even the majority of the time, but when i find one who "is that way", i run the other direction. Fear can be a thrilling emotion or it can also be debilitating.

Fear can keep us suppressed, stifle our growth.

I find i have a difficult time just throwing myself blindly forward. I need clear lines. It is not just within the context of a D/s relationship, my life is that way as well. I need to know the direction i am traveling. Flying by the "seat of my pants" is never a comfortable option for me. I like to be organized, to have order.

But "staying safe" and knowing, or "thinking" i know what i need or want, may not always be the best thing for me. Sticking my foot out and over that line in the sand, moving out of the safe zone, allows me release, to grow, and experience things i may have never experienced had i always stayed "safe".

In D/s, what it always comes down to, is him. Our desire to place a well deserved "trust" into his hands. Knowing that in doing so, we will experience new things, things we may have always thought we did not want or like, things outside our comfort zone, but always knowing that with him, we are safe. We may feel fear, but there are times we may need to embrace that fear, and just trust!

Trusting him, yes that is important, but it is also important that we trust ourselves and the decision we have made to place our trust in "him". That voice inside that says yes he is worthy, yes he is capable. Sometimes it may work out and sometimes it may not, but in doing so, we have grown!

Taking time.....

Stepping back ...

is not the same as walking away.

Stepping back is simply

moving at a much slower pace...

Watching and waiting.

This Man holds a piece of my heart

one i have eagerly given...

And time is always a good thing!

The not so comfortable zone...

Lately i have been asking myself, where exactly is "my" comfort zone.

I know it is imperative for me to be pushed, to find where the comfort zone ends and the "un" comfortable zone begins.

It is not as exact as drawing a line in the sand and saying i will stay over here. It is finding that place where you know nothing bad can happen. Feeling safe is just one of those things that i need. Where that line is, depends completely on the level of trust.

Trust is never something you can force...it evolves! There is no timetable, no predictability factor, it builds with time. It is never easy, at least not with me.
Maybe it is due to the "let downs" i have experienced in my life, i honestly do not know. I know i have become hardened. At times there are questions nagging at me, things i need to know prior to moving forward, a roadblock so to speak. I can not just "let go" of those questions, of those feelings that just maybe, i am not safe.

Those nagging questions need answers, complete and honest answers! Without those answers my only option is to step back, to go into a "protective" mode.

So now, unfortunately, i have hit a roadblock. I have found that uncomfortable zone, and I am stepping back!

adjusting to change...

Yes changes are a foot... and thus, so is the design of my blog! Although my free time lately has been rather minimal, and believe me when i say, that is just SO NOT a negative. i am just now feeling as though life is getting back on a more even keel.

Although things are early, and try as i may, i am trying not to get too far a head of myself... yes there are certainly changes going on. Adjustments addressed! I have spent a very long time really not answering to anyone and now suddenly.... i am sending a text or making a call ... where i am going, when i return, etc. Fortunately for me, he is a Man of patience and understanding, but i do know both of those qualities can wear thin if tested too often...

And although distance can be challenging, he is only 4 hours away, it could be much worse! But we do speak, email and text through out the day, so really much of the time, i forget about the 4 hour distance. At least until i climb into that big empty bed alone, then 4 hours away seems so very far!

It is an exciting time, but also a difficult time, this getting to know each other!
Often reading too deeply into the others words or actions. However, as is true in any type of relationship, if the lines of communication stay open, if we are given the opportunity to express our thoughts and feelings, to work out issues prior to them becoming issues, then things will flow. And so far, the flow is awesome...

So not unlike the blog, it is a work in progress! I will most likely change it as time allows... the blog that is...